Guys, Seriously? STOP Making Fun of Rebecca Black…She’s My Cousin and She’s Like Super Upset All The Time Now

Cut it out, guys. CUT IT OUT. I know you’ve all heard it and a lot of people are talking about it and mainly people are talking MAD CRAP about it but SERIOUSLY, guys. You’ve GOT to stop making fun of Rebecca Black. She’s my cousin, and ever since this video (THAT SHE WORKED REALLY HARD ON, BY THE WAY) came out, she’s been SUPER bummed out about it, like, all day everyday. She was JUST putting out a song that she thought everyone would like, because you can’t deny it: it’s super catchy and you can’t ever get it out of your head until you go to a death metal concert and take a nap under their woofers or something. IT’S THAT GOOD.

“Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs/Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal.” Preaching to the choir, Becky.

Look, what has she done that’s SO wrong? I mean, she’s 13 years old. She’s singing about what she knows and frankly, IT’S TOTALLY RELATABLE. Do you guys remember the TGIF shows on ABC? TGIF was the best thing on TV and I doubt it would’ve been that way had it been on Thursday or something stupid like that. I doubt there’s ever been any television or entertainment that anyone simply MUST see on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. So what if the lyrics are a tad simplistic? SHE’S LEADING A SIMPLE LIFE RIGHT NOW, YOU GUYS. I mean, my Uncle Jim and Aunt Denise are going through a little bit of a rough patch right now, stuff’s still up in the air with who’s getting which kids, but they’re for sure not staying in that big house she grew up in anymore, because Jim lost his jobs, but SO WHAT IF SHE’S JUST LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING HER FRIENDS ON THE WEEKEND?

Don’t we all just want to ride around with our friends every now and then?

I mean, who HASN'T been here before?

She’s just been really, really sad lately. You’ve got people at her school who are making fun of her, and the students are making fun of her, too! She used to be really popular and had all these friends and stuff, then she did this music video and now, JUST BECAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES THIS STUPID GLEE SHOW, people throw slushies in her face. That’s expensive clothes, ya’ll! Cherry doesn’t even come out of some of the shirts, and a couple of them her dad threw in the dryer and now the stains are permanent. It’s really not fair that not only are her friends bailing on her, even the Girl Who Eats Her Hair up there, but now, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD knows who she is and writes really stupid comments up on her Youtubes.

I mean, not cool! Props to Blonde-with-Braces for being super cool and NOT bailing on Becky. My mom says Aunt Denise really appreciates it and – I don’t wanna spoil it – but you might get to go to Disney World with my family. YAY! DISNEY!

Disney World Dance!

So, seriously. You guys. Lay off Rebecca Black. She’s got her family and friends supporting her, she really doesn’t need people like you saying “She is missing half her brain,” “I wish I were deaf,” and “This sounds like Somneone trying to rip the piss out of bill bailey ripping the piss out of teenybopper songs.” One, she’s not missing half of her brain because she aced Spanish this year and that’s a WHOLE OTHER LANGUAGE. Two, ummm, not cool because MY OTHER AUNT, STACEY, TEACHES AT A DEAF SCHOOL, and three, uhh, I don’t even know what that means, because a.) who’s Bill Bailey? b.) I LIKE teenybopper music and 3.) you can’t rip piss because IT’S LIQUID.

Just be cool. If you’re cool, I might be able to see if she can come in town and do a little concert or just hang out or whatever.

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Zack’s Hate Mail From The Most Adorable Little Girl You’ve Ever Seen Who Is Also His Downstairs Neighbor

Abby Greenlend, Age 5

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Taped to my door! How precious!
Wait...WAIT. WHAT.
Is that a TV being murderously thrown on me? Why yes. Yes, indeed. That's a TV being murderously thrown on me.

The bottom: "PS - This is Abby's mother, and I let her write this. I even helped."

To Whomever Broke Into My Car A Couple of Weekends Ago: I’m So Sorry

To Whomever Broke Into My Car A Couple of Weekends Ago,

My name is Zack, and I’m the owner of the car you broke into a couple of weekends ago. Let me start by saying this immediately:

I am so sorry.

It appears as if it was an unsuccessful heist. Unless, of course, it was your sole goal or mission to simply rip the driver’s side doorhandle off with a crowbar, and throw all of the contents of my glove boxes and consoles around the entirety of the vehicle.

I can’t blame you for breaking into my battered, 1995 sky blue Suburban. Despite the 270,000+ miles, four miles per gallon mileage, no air conditioning, often-faulty breaks, and the stench of a 1,000 nights of sweat, vomit, and tears – we both know that this beauty is QUITE the find. I take pride in knowing full well that you may have actually considered stealing this car, taking the august majesty on wheels for yourself, although, I’m pretty sure that due to its complete and utter lack of anything resembling power steering, you would have driven it into the nearest building.

You, sir (madame?), may have dodged a bullet there!

I’m so very sorry that you didn’t find what you were looking for. I’m sorry that my mixed CD’s from high school (Zack’s Mix: Volumes I-XI) and my parents’ (the original owners of the vehicle) Christian Evangelical literature wasn’t enough for you. Do you know about Jesus Christ? Do you know about Third Eye Blind? It appears that you have had your fill of both of them.

I bet you like Creed, don’t you? That’s like two-for-one!

I’ll be fine. Clearly, by driving my vehicle that, due to a previous “accident*” , appears as if the car itself has had a stroke, I’ve got A LOT going for me. This change in my day-to-day routine, where I now have to crawl in the passenger’s side door, sweat profusely, and then climb over the center console, spinning and rolling like a fat ninja, is AWESOME. I can’t think of anything else I’d rather be doing every time I need to drive, especially not “getting into my car through the driver’s side door without incident.”

(* – Some redneck woman with more tattoos than she had ounces of liquid dignity ran a red light trying to rush her likely illegitmate daughters to school, then gave a Tony (TM) Award winning performance that made it seem like I was the one who made an illegal left turn into her van of maternal love, which was actually a Firebird, and which has almost certainly been reposessed. That was also a good day!)

That’d just be absurd.

Again, so sorry it wasn’t a successful break in, and that the baseball glove in the trunk is left-handed. You probably thought “Jackpot!” until it went on the wrong hand. Can’t win them all, can we? Seriously, though, better luck next time. Hang in there, and you’ll get ’em next time.

Love,

Zack

PS – You should also know that in the future, I intend on becoming a time-traveling vigilante, navigating the space-time continuum in the name of SWEET LADY JUSTICE. Be forewarned that I plan on traveling back in time to that Friday night a few weekends ago and giving you a case of airborne future-cancer which symptoms are highlighted by brittle bones and making you shit out of your dick. If you heard maniacal laughing in the night’s distance, that was likely a future version of myself. xoxo Zack.

Terry Gaither Advice on Letting Employees Go

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
Thinking about moving some of my resources off-shore. This would cut costs very well…but I’d have to let a couple of people here go. Not wanting to be a cold-hearted guy, but I’ve got a business to run. What’s my move?
Respectfully,
Edward Romaine”

Nobody wants to look like the dickhole in a given situation. I get that. But sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do, up to and including assuming dickhole status. There are three avenues you can take here in order to soften the inevitable blow to your employees or to avoid it completely, just like I didn’t this one time/the last time when I had some people working under me:

Change Your Business To Include Numerous Offshore and Onshore Resources: This could include any number of black market importing and exporting, from drugs and exotic animals to organs and more organs. Don’t worry about not getting to undercut your current employees. Just make them work graveyard shifts with a high probability of getting shot by other dealers or maybe even law enforcement officers! JOY!

Make Them Happy You’re Letting Them Go: This might be redundant, as you could already be doing these things, but make sure they see your possibly calloused business decision to fire them and put them out on the street as a welcome, misery-ending blessing. Start making them work 110 hours weekly. Turn the heat up in the summer. Blare nothing but death metal over the loudspeaker and make sure that not one photon of natural light enters that building. Do you have any available livestock for slaughter? Get some livestock and start slaughtering. Remember, the heat will be on so that smell will stay with those people for a while. Then, after those people are gone, you and the employees you kept can just laugh and laugh.

Fire Them: You could always just sack up and tell them to their faces that they and the company are going in two different directions and wish them the best. And if they get upset, just punch them in the teeth. That’d be the most professional, but least fun, way to handle it.

PS – I’m only doing one query today because last night my nurse had to hit me in the throat with his baton, so I’m a little hungover. Go screw yourself, readers.

Heed This Man or Pay Lifetimes of Untold Misfortunes

It’s no secret: the internets are a good place.

From it, you can derive a whole host of things to get you through your almost assuredly miserable existence. Sites and devices have been created for just such a purpose; youtube, twitter, facebook, etc. And yet, there are still people who – for lack of better definitions – aren’t good at the internet. They can’t seem to find anything worthwhile and use it for, sigh, business purposes only.

Meet those people’s antithesis. And appluad.

Vaunted scribe, apt skiier, and San Antonio Spurs fan (as well as frequent commentor on this humble site) Icehouse has started a Tumblr page that ought to be a daily stop for everyone. It should be stated that 90 percent of the laughing I do throughout the day is at the hands of Icehouse and the pictures, videos and such that will grace this House of Ice.

Get ready to enjoy: Here are some of my personal favs:

(as always, h/t to Icehouse for sending the link)

Terry Gaither Advice on Teamwork, Time Management and Extramarital Affairs

  

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
Our boss has us working in teams to get multiple projects done ASAP. The designated ‘leader’ of my group and I have never gotten along. How do I make sure we can get the job done ASAP without quarrelling?
I need an answer ASAP,
Personal Patrick”

You’re lucky, Patrick, as your query happens to fall into my dojo of experience; I’ve never been the boss of anybody and also hate everybody, my bosses included, if not especially so.

Your real problem lies in the fact that you want to avoid this quarrelling. You should not only embrace the fact that you’ve got someone to spar with, but also engage in physical confrontation with this person at the soonest possible time, and violently so! The best way to sneak up on someone is to be ridiculously nice to them at first. They’ll know something’s up immediately, as you two have a history of bad blood. Let everyone see you being generous and nice, noticing his tension as he waits for you to strike. As soon as writes anything (a note, a pre-printed letter, or anything on the drawing board), calmly walk up to his work, take a big deep breath, and go “I hate to say this, but this looks like a rabid raccoon took a dump on it.”

The other people’s reactions toward one another regarding the statement should be enough of a distraction to climb the table and drop kick him in the neck. You’ll both drop like a bag of bricks, but you’ll sustain only a leg injury or so, whereas he could have permanent neck and spine damage.

ASAP? Get with the 90’s, Patrick, you idiot. I hope you both sustain severe head injuries. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Teamwork, Time Management and Extramarital Affairs”

Terry Gaither Advice on Worker’s Comp, Help from the Boss, and Career Changes

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I slipped and fractured my knee cap on a business trip and my company is saying that since I wasn’t on company property, they’re NOT responsible for it. How should I go about making sure I’m properly compensated?
Ouch!,
Painful Percy”

Well, your first mistake was getting such a minor injury in the first place. Learn to walk right, dammit. Learn to walk.

But making sure you get yours is something I can get behind. You’ve already had to suffer quite a bit, yes? You’ve already made it apparent that, despite this injury, you’re still able to continue working. Now it’s time to create a tremendous calamity that will most likely not only result in the injury of yourself – who’s already injured by the way – but possibly injuring countless others in the process; they can’t say no to everybody.

Personal suggestions from me would be inserting a bag full of scrap metal into the microwave during the next office birthday luncheon in the breakroom, filling the office copier/fax machine with 25-30 lit M80’s or, my personal favorite, drive your car through the first floor of your office, nailing as many of your associates as possible, and then get under your car before anybody can see you were driving it.

I hope your knee feels worse before it feels better. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Worker’s Comp, Help from the Boss, and Career Changes”

Man Who Freaked Out Over Sandra Bullock’s Oscar Unsure of How to Overreact to News of Her Divorce

Obviously, this video came out a couple of weeks ago. However, his Beloved has also had some sadder news come out, namely that her jacked-up, tattooed, motorcycle-enthusiast, badboy husband cheated on her with another another tattooed covered individual. Didn’t see this coming? DIDN’T SEE THIS COMING.

…not that I follow Hollywood gossip all day every day…

Anyway, if this guy freaked out this much because Sandra Bullock won an Academy Award, I can only imagine his reaction to such terrible misfortune in her life.