Terry Gaither Advice on Dealing with Bosses, Workers, and Pop Culture

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I’ve got a boss who puts me down all of the time in order to make an example of me. I’m pulling in more money than any of the other sales reps in our firm, but every miscue I make gets blown up like it’s a big deal. Got any tips to get out of the spotlight?
Brightly,
Bernard Hartson”

Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Dealing with Bosses, Workers, and Pop Culture”

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Terry Gaither Advice on Worker Motivation, Computers, and Bedroom Secrets

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I run a web-advertising firm, and my salesmen and women are really stinking up the joint! I know it’s the bad economy, but I’m struggling to find ways to motivate them. I’ve considered gift cards, trades, everything, but still nothing. Got any motivational tips?
Ten-Four!,
William Whichtower”

Motivation? What the F is motivation?

Clearly the fact that you’re having to beg your employees to do their jobs to the best of your abilities means that you run a very flacid ship, indeed. But if you’re going to nancy around this situation, and not grab these men and women by their collective scrotes, bending them to your will, you’re probably going to have to get subversive. Polish knives on your desk. Take up archery in the conference room. Take massive dumps wherever you please, and if anyone gives you a look, you tell them this is your office, your house, and when you own something, you can drop a deuce anywhere you please.

Like I said, subversive. Get in their heads.

Or you could go the old-fashioned route: Have you killed the weakest member of your team during an office meeting? Have you even tried to kill the weakest member of your team during an office meeting? Try killing the weakest member of your team during an office meeting.

I doubt you’ll use any of this advice, because you’re a chump asking me how to ‘motivate’ the people you likely overpay. I hope your business is one where you make thin boxes full of shattered glass, and that the building falls on you, sending the shards of glass everywhere in you. And I do mean everywhere.

“Dear Terry,
My name is Cal Stephens and I’m a computer programmer from- …”

NERD!!!

“Dear Terry,
So I’m in Las Vegas for a small business owner’s convention and…slept with a competitor. He seemed like a really nice guy, I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years, we got to talking about business, one thing lead to another…I’m worried I might’ve divulged too much of my business’ strategy and future plans while in his company. What do I do now?
Lucky In Las Vegas,
Pamela Grimes”

You do know I’m in a MAXIMUM SECURITY mental health facility and havent exercised my love muscle in over seven years, right? With the hippopotamus tranquilizers medicine they’ve got me on, I’m lucky to even notice when the nurse is changing my bed sheets. THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN (pun unintended, but left in the text for intended purposes [TERRY WINS!]).

As a wise man once said “Plowing someone you work with is nothing new, Terry.” But if there’s anything I learned after that guy said that to me, it’s that plowing someone you work against is nothing new. Frankly, I think the adage should be “Plowing is nothing new” but this is a business-focused article so STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME.

My advice would be to contract a venereal disease and give it to him. He’s already slayed you once, so it’s going to be more difficult to be attractive to him, but go into his office on a Thursday afternoon, when he’s trying to get everything wrapped up for the weekend for an easy Friday, and then hit him with your best shot. It will be very satisfying knowing that his marriage could very well unravel as a result of him giving his wife (I’m assuming he’s married, you seem like the homewrecking type) the clap, the drip, the herp, the roast, or the crabs. But don’t let me confine your creative imagination. Why not get as many STD’s as possible!

This is of course, assuming you don’t already have plenty, which I now realize is a broad assumption. If you (miraculously) don’t, swing by Pleasant Oaks Mental Health Facility, and bring some uppers and blood-thinner. I’ve got a whole batch of something here for ya.

(PS – I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written any of you back. Solitary confinement will do that to your work schedule, and quite frankly, I’ve had some solace knowing that many of the problems you’ve written me about have likely already ruined you before my advice could help you out. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Ha.)

Terry Gaither Advice on Letting Employees Go

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
Thinking about moving some of my resources off-shore. This would cut costs very well…but I’d have to let a couple of people here go. Not wanting to be a cold-hearted guy, but I’ve got a business to run. What’s my move?
Respectfully,
Edward Romaine”

Nobody wants to look like the dickhole in a given situation. I get that. But sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do, up to and including assuming dickhole status. There are three avenues you can take here in order to soften the inevitable blow to your employees or to avoid it completely, just like I didn’t this one time/the last time when I had some people working under me:

Change Your Business To Include Numerous Offshore and Onshore Resources: This could include any number of black market importing and exporting, from drugs and exotic animals to organs and more organs. Don’t worry about not getting to undercut your current employees. Just make them work graveyard shifts with a high probability of getting shot by other dealers or maybe even law enforcement officers! JOY!

Make Them Happy You’re Letting Them Go: This might be redundant, as you could already be doing these things, but make sure they see your possibly calloused business decision to fire them and put them out on the street as a welcome, misery-ending blessing. Start making them work 110 hours weekly. Turn the heat up in the summer. Blare nothing but death metal over the loudspeaker and make sure that not one photon of natural light enters that building. Do you have any available livestock for slaughter? Get some livestock and start slaughtering. Remember, the heat will be on so that smell will stay with those people for a while. Then, after those people are gone, you and the employees you kept can just laugh and laugh.

Fire Them: You could always just sack up and tell them to their faces that they and the company are going in two different directions and wish them the best. And if they get upset, just punch them in the teeth. That’d be the most professional, but least fun, way to handle it.

PS – I’m only doing one query today because last night my nurse had to hit me in the throat with his baton, so I’m a little hungover. Go screw yourself, readers.

A True Southern Patriot Previews the Upcoming Season Finale of ‘Project Runway’

To better connect with our audience for pop culture analysis, we are employing the services of someone who gets Real Americans and can share their values through his analysis. From Goose Knuckle, Alabama, here’s our pop culture correspondent, Danny Joe Hampel, Jr.:

Nu-uh! Naw man!

Nope! Not on my watch, they won’t! I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe that they’d let some silly sissy show like that on the air! This Project Runaway [sic.] nonsense…why it ain’t nothing but a buncha girly gay boys runnin’ around sewin’ clothes up that ain’t worth a stitch and a patch between the whole group. I just can’t sleep knowing the same blessed, Christ-lovin’ network that gives me Reba is also crammin’ this garbage down my throat and my family’s throats!

Ain’t nothing but sinners, raggamuffins, jezebels, and shifty-eyed tricksters, if you’re askin’ me. But y’ain’t. Cuz you’re ah-danged ole  ignoramus. Or a pinko commie. Continue reading “A True Southern Patriot Previews the Upcoming Season Finale of ‘Project Runway’”

A True Southern Patriot Previews The Upcoming Return of ‘Glee’

To better connect with our audience for pop culture analysis, we are employing the services of someone who gets Real Americans and can share their values through his analysis. From Goose Knuckle, Alabama, here’s our pop culture correspondent, Danny Joe Hampel, Jr.:

If you’re like me, every night at about 6:30 you’re watching the 30 minutes of comedy-game show bliss known as Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Sometimes I let the ole TV keep runnin’ if there ain’t nothing else on, but after tonight, I’ma hafta switch her to OFF and fast. Tonight, that show Glee comes back from its hiatus and brother, get ready to watch it with pursed lips and an angry heart.

Unless you like watchin’ a buncha Godless heathens, adulterers, sodomites, and homasecktuals runnin’ around singing bout golddiggin’ and gettin’ cheerleaders pregnant, all limp-wristedly. None for ME or my childrens, thank ye kindly.

The story’s about these people in high school who all have to be in this club where people sang, and dance, and wear bright clothes, and accept people’s differences, and be friends with the kid in a wheelchair, and sin sin sin. Hell, they even got the danged ole QUARTERBACK in there dancin’ like Tina Turner, like he’s a gay! Then they got one guy who ACTUALLY IS A GAY. Call me ole fashioned, but I thought that’s why they invented cable TV, so all the idolators and raggamuffin liberals could watch their HBO and TBS without taintin’ decent Christian Americans’ airwaves. You can keep these folks, that Barack HUSSEIN Obama, and Lady Gaga on your MTV, sinners! Continue reading “A True Southern Patriot Previews The Upcoming Return of ‘Glee’”

Terry Gaither Advice on Local Investments, Mutual Options and Pregnancy

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
Looking for a good local business to invest in so I can see my investment producing tangible results. Got any good tips?
Thanks,
John Dobledder”

The best local business to invest in is the one most likely to report your various exploits and indiscretions. They’ll be hamstrung to do so, as they’ll be financially indebted to you.

With your money hanging over their head like a guillotine, you’ll be able to wander the common area butt naked, steal from their petty cash or cash registers, use their toilets as your own and, most importantly, slaps uppity clients or customers who don’t rub you in the right literal way.

They’ll appreciate your investment more than you’ll ever know. And if they don’t, you can burn that mother to the ground, piss on the ashes, poop on the piss and laugh and laugh and laugh because it’s pretty much your place anyway. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Local Investments, Mutual Options and Pregnancy”

Terry Gaither Advice on Team Building, Relocation, and Changing Vocations

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

Dear Terry,
My bosses keep making us go on all of these ‘team-building retreats.’ Basically, they’ll just let us out early and we’ll all go to get drinks at Chili’s or do something else fun. How am I supposed to get out of doing these stupid, stupid activities and get some real work done?
Harumph,
Stingy Sharon”

Two things are apparent in your dissection of the situation: First, that your bosses aren’t utilizing their time in a way that is beneficial for everyone’s best interest and two, that you’re a devil woman who is probably just awful to work with and around. Those two facts sum everything up pretty well.

So, while your bosses are kind of wimpy and are trying to curry favor among their subordinates by getting them hammered, you can always just say “YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD BE DOING WORK NOW” and maybe walk out. This will connote the fact that you disagree with this laid back corporate environment and that animals have crawled inside of your bowels, made a home, lived their lives there, aged considerably, and passed away several months ago. They will – no doubt – already know this about you, but saying things that people already know seems to be something you’d be annoyingly good at.

So the next time your bosses, who seem nice enough, ever try to bond with you or your co-workers, make sure you let them know that you won’t be bought out by kindness, but by bloodshed. Maybe punch someone in the back of the head when you’re storming back to the office that hates you.

Will you marry me? Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Team Building, Relocation, and Changing Vocations”

Terry Gaither Advice on Teamwork, Time Management and Extramarital Affairs

  

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
Our boss has us working in teams to get multiple projects done ASAP. The designated ‘leader’ of my group and I have never gotten along. How do I make sure we can get the job done ASAP without quarrelling?
I need an answer ASAP,
Personal Patrick”

You’re lucky, Patrick, as your query happens to fall into my dojo of experience; I’ve never been the boss of anybody and also hate everybody, my bosses included, if not especially so.

Your real problem lies in the fact that you want to avoid this quarrelling. You should not only embrace the fact that you’ve got someone to spar with, but also engage in physical confrontation with this person at the soonest possible time, and violently so! The best way to sneak up on someone is to be ridiculously nice to them at first. They’ll know something’s up immediately, as you two have a history of bad blood. Let everyone see you being generous and nice, noticing his tension as he waits for you to strike. As soon as writes anything (a note, a pre-printed letter, or anything on the drawing board), calmly walk up to his work, take a big deep breath, and go “I hate to say this, but this looks like a rabid raccoon took a dump on it.”

The other people’s reactions toward one another regarding the statement should be enough of a distraction to climb the table and drop kick him in the neck. You’ll both drop like a bag of bricks, but you’ll sustain only a leg injury or so, whereas he could have permanent neck and spine damage.

ASAP? Get with the 90’s, Patrick, you idiot. I hope you both sustain severe head injuries. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Teamwork, Time Management and Extramarital Affairs”

Terry Gaither Advice on Worker’s Comp, Help from the Boss, and Career Changes

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I slipped and fractured my knee cap on a business trip and my company is saying that since I wasn’t on company property, they’re NOT responsible for it. How should I go about making sure I’m properly compensated?
Ouch!,
Painful Percy”

Well, your first mistake was getting such a minor injury in the first place. Learn to walk right, dammit. Learn to walk.

But making sure you get yours is something I can get behind. You’ve already had to suffer quite a bit, yes? You’ve already made it apparent that, despite this injury, you’re still able to continue working. Now it’s time to create a tremendous calamity that will most likely not only result in the injury of yourself – who’s already injured by the way – but possibly injuring countless others in the process; they can’t say no to everybody.

Personal suggestions from me would be inserting a bag full of scrap metal into the microwave during the next office birthday luncheon in the breakroom, filling the office copier/fax machine with 25-30 lit M80’s or, my personal favorite, drive your car through the first floor of your office, nailing as many of your associates as possible, and then get under your car before anybody can see you were driving it.

I hope your knee feels worse before it feels better. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Worker’s Comp, Help from the Boss, and Career Changes”

Terry Gaither Advice on Leveraging, Office Expenditures, and Competitive Relationships

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I’ve been offered a fairly lucrative position at a nearby investment firm, but I like where I’m at with regard to everything but pay. How do I leverage this job offer to make more money but stay put?
Loving Life,
Frank Backbrace”

Oh, well, look at you, bragging on the Internet about lucrative offers being made to you. “What do I do with all of this possible money, Terry?! I couldn’t possibly think to spend it on recreational activities! Where’s the nearest non-profit or charitable cause I can burn down and rebuild with my wonderfully excessive amount of income?!”

I can think of two outcomes, both of which will work out well for you, while killing me from the inside out: one, you get a new job that pays you more money. Think of all that money! You’ll be able to finally purchase the love of your precious children once-and-for-until-they-want-more-love-ransom with a bike or life-sized dollhouse. Or two, you talk to your bosses and they realize you’re a singular commodity and worthy of a pay raise.

Personally, I don’t think you’re worth a used-red-headed-merkin. Maybe you can leverage yourself for that position. You’d do well doing that. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Leveraging, Office Expenditures, and Competitive Relationships”