To better connect with our audience for pop culture analysis, we are employing the services of someone who gets Real Americans and can share their values through his analysis. From Goose Knuckle, Alabama, here’s our pop culture correspondent, Danny Joe Hampel, Jr.:
Nu-uh! Naw man!
Nope! Not on my watch, they won’t! I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe that they’d let some silly sissy show like that on the air! This Project Runaway [sic.] nonsense…why it ain’t nothing but a buncha girly gay boys runnin’ around sewin’ clothes up that ain’t worth a stitch and a patch between the whole group. I just can’t sleep knowing the same blessed, Christ-lovin’ network that gives me Reba is also crammin’ this garbage down my throat and my family’s throats!
Ain’t nothing but sinners, raggamuffins, jezebels, and shifty-eyed tricksters, if you’re askin’ me. But y’ain’t. Cuz you’re ah-danged ole ignoramus. Or a pinko commie.
Get a show that’s worth somethin’. There ain’t no monster trucks, no four-wheelers, no mud, no deer, no deer droppings, no beards (save for them scraggly thangs you see on some of em, but they usually got earrangs, too, dagnabbit!), and no smokeless tobaccah. GIMME SOMETHING I CAN BELIEVE IN, LIFETIME. I bet none of these tattooed sumbitches or lezbyans know nothin’ about baseball or football or Jeff Forxworthy or Dale Earnhardt, Sr. OR Jr…nothing that’s worth watchin’. Now, my boy’s Pop Warner football league? KRDN local TV let’s their games on every Wednesday evening. There’s somethin’ I can watch without wantin’ to jump off a four-stack of trailers.
I ain’t got the time nor patience to sit through a whole hour of these Godless folks spewin’ their anti-American fashion garble. I mean, I can think of books that I’d rather read than watch that crap. Books without pictures, too!
Whatever happened to bein’ happy with your nice pair of Wrangler jeans? Need more pockets? Pair of overalls! I mean, I’ve gandered once or twice with these fancy nancies, and from what I seen? They can’t hold a candle to ole Levi Straus. Not that they don’t use an occasional stitch of denim here and there. I mean one of them guys uses a lot of courser materials a lot in his dressin’, but it ain’t no blue jeans! Although, he’s got a lot of zippers all over his material. I mean sometimes, the judges are just like “Seth Aaron! I can’t believe you’re using so many zippers!” and I’m like “Oh my God, Michael Kors! I totally agree with ya brother, he does!” But then, when we see the whole thang put together, me and Mikey Kors almost say it in unison “Whoooooa! Great design, man! Hooboy!” Not like that dope Emilio. I mean, sure he’s done some alright stuff. His Harlem thang had enough denim to spike my wife Becky’s interest, and I thought the colors were aw, just alright. But that one epsiode where they had to design their own patterns? It just said ‘SOSA’ all over it! With a heart for the ‘O,’ I mean, what is this, your seventh grade notebook? But I mean, it’s just sooo fitting for Emilioooo. The guy thanks he’s God’s gay-Dominican gift to fashion. Not that he’s not talented – just loogit his work! – but GAWLEEE, he give my boy Tim Gunn all the backtalk in the world. “I never listen to Tim. Whatever Tim says doesn’t affect me. I don’t think Tim’s AWESOMES.” All that nonsense. I guess, if he wins tonight, though, it ain’t gonna be that bad because he actually has talent. Not like that BOWL-CUTTED PALE GOBLIN CREATURE MILA. Galdang, ya’ll, I mean, STAB ME IN THE FACE with some jagged black and white accoutrements. She ain’t done nothing worth nothing since week 3! At this point, I just wish Ping Wu woulda sailed to the finals instead. If Mila wins? If Mila wins, I’m done. I’m done with Project Runaway. I won’t be able to eat, sleep or shoot any kind of skeet at the shooting range knowing the rosen-bag full of spite gets that Marie Claire spread. I guess I’m pullin’ for Seth Aaron by default then, but Mila? Ugh.
…uh, cause he’s straight, I think. Yeah. Uh. Can’t support nunathem homasecktuals. USA! REBA! USA!
The best part of tonight? That show bein’ over until next season. No, wait! NFL Draft tonight! …Crap.
Really, I ain’t a gay.
Warmest Regards,
Danny Joe Hampel, Jr.
Goose Bucket, Alabama
PS – Naw, man, I ain’t gay.
ZACK STOVALL 