Clausen: “I’m Ready To Get Started Letting People Down Right Now”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Former Notre Dame quarterback and projected-first-round draft selection Jimmy Clausen told reporters Thursday that, no matter who drafts him, he’s ready to start letting down that team’s fan base immediately.

“I don’t have any illusions,” said Clausen, prepping for tonight’s primetime NFL Draft, “But I’m ready to go out there and throw ducks, get sacked, fall down unmolested and do everything in my power to shatter the hopes and dreams of every fan of whichever team is lucky enough to grab me.”

Clausen, who scouts say has a near-perfect throwing motion and all of the physical tools of a franchise QB, said he’s eager to get to work diminishing every accolade he and his name ever earned.

My brothers have been just great in teaching me how to raise everyone to the same level of outlandish anticipation, and then pull the collective rug out from under their hooves with my pedestrian play,” said the youngest Clausen. “Hell, if I need to, I’ll throw in some off the field issues, too.

“I’ll put myself in that position and be that caliber of player for my team.”

Clausen then excused himself to clumsily fumble down the nearest flight of stairs and writhe in pain before giving a thumbs up.

(As originally published on The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, your source for sports and culture analysis from the Natural himself.)

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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