Weighing The Pros and Cons of Seeing ‘The Green Hornet’ Based On Thirty Second Ads

I wish I could say this is the first time I've been torn between my love of Coolio and gravy.

When you’re on a budget and eat as much expensive cereal as I do, you’ve gotta pick and choose which movies you’re going to pony up the dough to see in the theaters and which you’re going to wait until you can nab a DVD or can wait for three days to see from Netflix.

True Grit? Oh, you see that awesomeness in the theaters. Same with Avatar and Tron 2, because, honestly, what’s the point of seeing those movies on your boring 2-D television. Oh, the stories were good? The stories were NOT good. Black Swan? Great movie, saw it in the theaters, should’ve seen it at home. Same with The Social Network. Others just shouldn’t be seen at all, like No Strings Attached. You lost me at all of the menstrual cycle jokes, specifically the commercial that talks all about it. “That’s the doozy,” DERP DERP DERP.

So judging these ads can be the difference between a good night or a terrible night you’ll rue in both memory and bank account for possibly YEARS TO COME. Why on Earth did I spend eight dollars to see Spiderman 3? WHY. Which brings me this Green Hornet coming out soon. I like Seth Rogan, and I’m generally in the mood for superhero movies, the back alley stabbing that was Spiderman 3 notwithstanding. Let’s go to the ads:

Oh CRAP. “Gangster’s Paradise”? THAT SONG IS DOPE. I’ve already remonstrated how much I love Coolio and how much he loves me. I couldn’t believe I was seeing this at first. I thought my iPod had turned on in the kitchen somewhere. Then I saw Seth Rogen singing along with it, the volume adjusting with every splosion and gunfire and ninja kick. Then I remembered I don’t own an iPod. White people rapping usually isn’t my cup of tea, because, you know, it sucks. But this was pretty cool. And when the Chinaman whose name escapes me goes “Hoo!” I lost it.

Great ad? Go see it? NOT SO FAST.

(/rubs temples)

Well, this is just stupid. Plus it’s Hardee’s. You’re going to have to convince me that diarrhea is worth paying for, and getting Seth Rogan and his sidekick to do it is not the way to go. Hardee’s commercials should just show a picture of a beer mug, extra-wide drive thru lanes, and a picture of a couch to sleep on. That’s all they should be.

Also, the fact that Green Hornet had to go all the way down the fast-food joint chain to Hardee’s doesn’t give me a lot of confidence in their product. Sure, EVERYONE wants McDonald’s to plug their movie. They’re the Nikes of Things-That-Give-You-Diabetes. Next on the list is Burger King, then Taco Bell, Sonic, Wendy’s, KFC, Arby’s, Popeye’s, Enterprise Bowling in Benton, Arkansas, Back Yard Burger, Del Taco, THEN Hardee’s, and I’m sure I forgot some. That’s pretty low, Rogen and Co.

Not saying I wouldn’t eat Hardee’s. I’d eat me the crap out of some Hardee’s. I think they’re the only fast food joint that uses gravy as a condiment, God bless em.

So I guess it’s a push. I’m sure I’ll just watch the Green Hornet in like two years when it’s on TV and the party I’m at is really lame and there’s no good sports on TV. But let me know if you see and it’s better than waiting for two years to see it when it’s on TV and I’m at a party and it’s lame and there’s no good sports on TV.

PS – Cameron Diaz is old and busted. Replace her with Blake Lively from now on.



You can’t imagine how happy I was when I was going through my daily cat owner foibles message boards and saw this advertisement in the sidebar. “The Craigslist Killer” FINALLY coming to a Lifetime television station near you. I’m certain that with the quick, ripped-from-the-headlines turnaround of Lifetime’s crack squad of writers and healthy stable of actresses, this movie is going to be a sure favorite for years to come.

But even those in the movie biz gotta give it up for the Lifetime Advertising Department. Well done. Touchee. Bravo. Majesty.

They could’ve phoned it in, OH THEY COULD HAVE AND YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED THEM FOR IT. They could’ve had one of the main heroines of the film, standing at a slight angle with a shadow covering one side of their profile, perhaps with the also-half-shaded villain standing behind her, TOTALLY MENACING, with the words “CRAIGSLIST KILLER: BASED ON YET ANOTHER WE COULDN’T MAKE THIS UP IF WE TRIED AND BELIEVE ME WE TRIED TRUE STORY, AT WHENEVER TIME” and the dozens and dozens of well-read and not-insane fans would flock like a thunder rolls.

But they phoned nothing in. THE//CRAIGSLIST.KILLER. It’s like a real website, you see. Look at the site you’re looking at now. Notice the http://. THAT’S A SLASH SLASH, LIKE A STABBER STABING SOMETHING TWICE! And instead of a space between Craigslist and Killer, they put a dot! Remind anyone else of a little something called DOT COM, or DOT ORG, or DOT EDU, or DOT GOV? Me too.

The blood lets you know that you’re going to be dealing with a gruesome murder, but you’re so well-read, YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT. But check out the keyboard key the geniuses at Lifetime decided to pick out. THAT’S RIGHT, the Delete key. Get it? The Craigslist Killer was practically DELETING PEOPLE HE DELETED, I mean KILLED. That’s so catchy, I already started substituting the word ‘delete’ for ‘killed.’

I just wonder if the real Craigslist Killer ever had a bloody finger, and then used his delete button. I bet the answer is yes. And I bet it CHILLS HIM TO THE BONE TO SEE THIS ADVERTISEMENT EVERYWHERE. Has Lifetime set their advertisement bar too high though? Probably, but you’d like to think that the group that could muster the genius of this ad campaign will be able to figure something out for their next movie about a woman or women getting hurt and stuff.


Three People I Really Want To Punch in the Wiener Right Now

Everybody needs somebody sometimes. And sometimes, that somebody needs a good punch to wiener. Just a solid shot. It’s the worst pain you can feel as a man, and there are three people who are the most deserving to me after a Christmas weekend full of doing almost nothing but watch TV. And it was awesome. Except for having to see these three guys:

Guy From 1800 Tequila Commercial: I prefer to drink alone on the floor of my own bathroom in the dark, so I don’t get out to bars much. One of the primary reasons for this is that bars attract a lot of people like this guy: loud-mouthed jackasses who slick their hair back and act like they know everything. “Oh, look a’ me, I’m kickin’ bahhck, drinkin’ dis here drink and makin’ a SAHCASTIC ‘oops.’ Ask ayebody at dis BAH, they’ll tell yas I’m WICKED SAHCASTIC.”

Sure, I don’t live in the Northeast, but I feel like these smug d-holes are everywhere, trying to turn every bar in America into a club. “This is an Affliction t-shirt yo! No, I’m not involved in any MMA-related training, but if I were, you’d be in a lot of trouble! What’re you drinking? PSH, THAT AIN’T 1800 THOUGH! YOU EVAH EVEN HEARDA BOTTLE SERVICE?!”

This guy gets a slick-like-his-hair punch to the wiener; go in for the handshake or high-five, and BOOM! Then I’d say “Oops” all sarcastically.

Guy From Bleu de Chanel Commercial: I have two problems with this commercial. First off, this guy is an awful actor. He couldn’t possibly say those lines with a little FEELING, FOR GOD’S SAKE? I’ve seen better lines at my nephew’s Christmas play and that SUUUUCKED.

Secondly, and this is purely speculation at this point (I’D LOVE SOME CLARIFICATION, PEOPLE), but this guy seems like a real toolshed. “I’m not going to be the person I’m expected to be anymore.” A.) Bold statement, Claude, problem is NO ONE CARES. B.) Most people in this given situation are, like me, expecting that you’re a douche and saying statements like “I’m not going to be the person I’m expected to be anymore” confirm this expectation. DOUBLE WHAMMY. What’s this press conference supposed to be for, anyway? “I am a good-looking person and what I will say I will say it GOOD-LOOKINGLY.” Having worked in a pressroom before, I can confess, THAT WOULD HAVE TOTALLY GOTTEN ME TO THE PRESS CONFERENCE. But I would’ve been pissed had I gotten there and some pretty boy said that, then walked out of the crumbling room, WITHOUT EXPLAINING WHY THE ROOM WAS FALLING APART AROUND US.

I’d give him the Money Shot Wiener Punch. Be like “SHOW ME THE ABS, CLAUDE!” and when his reflexes caused his arms to lift his shirt, POW! Right to his defenseless wiener.

Larry the Cable Guy: He’s getting a show on the History Channel called “Only in America.” Guh. Okay, quickly:

  • Hard to be on a channel you’ve never seen before/can’t spell the name of, eh, Lars?
  • So the History Channel is assuming their audience is a bunch of mouthbreathing rednecks, yes?
  • “Larry the Cable Guy wows audiences across the country with his unique brand of humor and quirky take on America,” History president/GM Nancy Dubuc said in a statement. Nancy, I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE WIENER IF YOU LIE TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.

Larry gets an overt and unfunny punch to the wiener. It’d be loud, and look like an accident or something so no one would laugh at it. That seems appropriate.


Couple of items on the agenda to get to today people, so strap in:

  • Oh, Mark Wahlberg. You never cease to make me laugh without directly meaning to.
  • Amy Adams was on Conan last night, talking about her upcoming role in the movie featured in that video up there, The Fighter. Having to be nitty-gritty Southie from Boston, she talked at length about having to improvise cursing during fight scene, coming to the realization that “c*wksuckah” is her favorite curse word, mainly because of how funny it sounds with a Bahstahn accent. OW-AH CURSE WORDS AR-UH BETTAH THAN YO-AH CURSE WORDS! Simply charming.
  • If you mosey on over to The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, you’ll find an awesome opportunity to play College Bowl Pick Em with everyone who’s anyone. Sign up, pick which team is going to win which bowl, give a tie-breaking National Championship score, and you’re done. If we get enough people this year, we’re looking to give away prizes, YES, TANGIBLE PRIZES. So do it. UNLESS YOU’RE A NERD, NERD!
  • Thanks to everyone who’s been stopping by the site, subscribing and whatnot. If you’re new here, hope you like what you see, look around, and feel free to tell your friends. You’re all awesome.

(h/t The Icehouse for the video)

This Expresses My Feelings On The Christmas Offerings of Children PRECISELY

Anyone who has kids, way younger siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, or spatially confused grandparents can tell you, these gifts?…These are not my kind of gifts.

The messy photo covered in glue and glitter? THAT GLITTER GETS EVERYWHERE, KID. The crudely crafted construction paper Christmas tree? We’ve already got a dandy Christmas tree, and WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT GLITTER?! Christmas themed magnets for the fridge? Like I’m going to have the patience to put up and take down seasonal refrigerator magnets. You know that lopsided candy cane is going to still be there in August, and by then, we’re only four months away from Christmas anyway, and it’s going to look STUPID STUPID STUPID.

I’m not saying that I don’t understand that kids can’t be doling out plasma TVs or cool cars. That’s what makes the aforementioned video so humorous, dummy. And it’s not that I’m really materialistic and want everything. Those gifts really get on my nerves. I mean, how sentimental is this supposed to be for me, young man? You drew a picture of you, me, and Santa after you came in from playing out in the snow and while eating a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Am I supposed to bend at the waist and pick this up from the floor of my car? I really don’t care if a passenger’s Nikes put a smudge next to your jellystain. Not to mention, it looks REMARKABLY similar to last year’s scribbling as well. And the year before that. And the year before tha- ARE YOU NOT DEVELOPING AT ALL ARTISTICALLY OR INTELLECTUALLY? Sure, Jackson Pollack scribbled, but he did SOMETHING that wasn’t abstract SOMEWHERE before then.

Good talk, kid. See you out there. Merry Christmas.