This Expresses My Feelings On The Christmas Offerings of Children PRECISELY

Anyone who has kids, way younger siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, or spatially confused grandparents can tell you, these gifts?…These are not my kind of gifts.

The messy photo covered in glue and glitter? THAT GLITTER GETS EVERYWHERE, KID. The crudely crafted construction paper Christmas tree? We’ve already got a dandy Christmas tree, and WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT GLITTER?! Christmas themed magnets for the fridge? Like I’m going to have the patience to put up and take down seasonal refrigerator magnets. You know that lopsided candy cane is going to still be there in August, and by then, we’re only four months away from Christmas anyway, and it’s going to look STUPID STUPID STUPID.

I’m not saying that I don’t understand that kids can’t be doling out plasma TVs or cool cars. That’s what makes the aforementioned video so humorous, dummy. And it’s not that I’m really materialistic and want everything. Those gifts really get on my nerves. I mean, how sentimental is this supposed to be for me, young man? You drew a picture of you, me, and Santa after you came in from playing out in the snow and while eating a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Am I supposed to bend at the waist and pick this up from the floor of my car? I really don’t care if a passenger’s Nikes put a smudge next to your jellystain. Not to mention, it looks REMARKABLY similar to last year’s scribbling as well. And the year before that. And the year before tha- ARE YOU NOT DEVELOPING AT ALL ARTISTICALLY OR INTELLECTUALLY? Sure, Jackson Pollack scribbled, but he did SOMETHING that wasn’t abstract SOMEWHERE before then.

Good talk, kid. See you out there. Merry Christmas.

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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