Weighing The Pros and Cons of Seeing ‘The Green Hornet’ Based On Thirty Second Ads

I wish I could say this is the first time I've been torn between my love of Coolio and gravy.

When you’re on a budget and eat as much expensive cereal as I do, you’ve gotta pick and choose which movies you’re going to pony up the dough to see in the theaters and which you’re going to wait until you can nab a DVD or can wait for three days to see from Netflix.

True Grit? Oh, you see that awesomeness in the theaters. Same with Avatar and Tron 2, because, honestly, what’s the point of seeing those movies on your boring 2-D television. Oh, the stories were good? The stories were NOT good. Black Swan? Great movie, saw it in the theaters, should’ve seen it at home. Same with The Social Network. Others just shouldn’t be seen at all, like No Strings Attached. You lost me at all of the menstrual cycle jokes, specifically the commercial that talks all about it. “That’s the doozy,” DERP DERP DERP.

So judging these ads can be the difference between a good night or a terrible night you’ll rue in both memory and bank account for possibly YEARS TO COME. Why on Earth did I spend eight dollars to see Spiderman 3? WHY. Which brings me this Green Hornet coming out soon. I like Seth Rogan, and I’m generally in the mood for superhero movies, the back alley stabbing that was Spiderman 3 notwithstanding. Let’s go to the ads:

Oh CRAP. “Gangster’s Paradise”? THAT SONG IS DOPE. I’ve already remonstrated how much I love Coolio and how much he loves me. I couldn’t believe I was seeing this at first. I thought my iPod had turned on in the kitchen somewhere. Then I saw Seth Rogen singing along with it, the volume adjusting with every splosion and gunfire and ninja kick. Then I remembered I don’t own an iPod. White people rapping usually isn’t my cup of tea, because, you know, it sucks. But this was pretty cool. And when the Chinaman whose name escapes me goes “Hoo!” I lost it.

Great ad? Go see it? NOT SO FAST.

(/rubs temples)

Well, this is just stupid. Plus it’s Hardee’s. You’re going to have to convince me that diarrhea is worth paying for, and getting Seth Rogan and his sidekick to do it is not the way to go. Hardee’s commercials should just show a picture of a beer mug, extra-wide drive thru lanes, and a picture of a couch to sleep on. That’s all they should be.

Also, the fact that Green Hornet had to go all the way down the fast-food joint chain to Hardee’s doesn’t give me a lot of confidence in their product. Sure, EVERYONE wants McDonald’s to plug their movie. They’re the Nikes of Things-That-Give-You-Diabetes. Next on the list is Burger King, then Taco Bell, Sonic, Wendy’s, KFC, Arby’s, Popeye’s, Enterprise Bowling in Benton, Arkansas, Back Yard Burger, Del Taco, THEN Hardee’s, and I’m sure I forgot some. That’s pretty low, Rogen and Co.

Not saying I wouldn’t eat Hardee’s. I’d eat me the crap out of some Hardee’s. I think they’re the only fast food joint that uses gravy as a condiment, God bless em.

So I guess it’s a push. I’m sure I’ll just watch the Green Hornet in like two years when it’s on TV and the party I’m at is really lame and there’s no good sports on TV. But let me know if you see and it’s better than waiting for two years to see it when it’s on TV and I’m at a party and it’s lame and there’s no good sports on TV.

PS – Cameron Diaz is old and busted. Replace her with Blake Lively from now on.

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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