I don’t know what it is about me, but every Thursday evening to Friday afternoon, I get asked “What’s going on this weekend?”, even by people who live NOWHERE NEAR ME. Maybe it’s my sterling track record of competitive dance-offs. Maybe it’s my sharp dressing (Air Force Ones ONLY…and suspenders sometimes). Maybe it’s because when you look at me, you KNOW I know the nearest place to get food, because I’ve likely already been there twice this week.
I don’t look like this for nothing folks. I look like this FOR YOU.
Anywhozzle, there’s plenty going on. There’s also plenty not going on. There are things to do and there are things that most aren’t doing and shouldn’t want to do. Truthfully, I was trying to decide whether or not to make a list of things To Do or Not To Do, but I was like, screw this, I’m just doing both. So there.
TO DO – Go To A Department Store In Your Bathrobe: Department stores are weird. Usually when I think of stores, I think of places that I need to go, like Wal-Mart, or Schnuck’s, or The Internet. I’m there for a specific reason. But Department Stores have salespeople on the floor, who earn a commission for every set of designer shoes, vial of striking cologne, and/or ill-fitting (for me) shirts.
This means they will bend to your every minor whim. Such exploitation is a luxury one ought to indulge – for FREE, mind you – at least once or twice in their lifetime, or in my case, per week.
Going to these department stores in your bathrobe shows them what they already know: You are the boss of them. It’s my experience the cheaper the better. Me? I rock this awesome plaid bathrobe pretty much everyday. Am I wearing it now? It doesn’t matter when you’re reading this, the answer is YES. Now, they may be hesitant to approach you, being that you’re in a bathrobe and not wearing pants (PS – Don’t wear pants). So you’re going to want to talk up all of your affairs. Say words like “monocle,” “affairs,” “France,” “vestibule,” “diluted,” and “absolutely.” Affairs is really good, because it means a whole lot of things, most of them involving leather and dark wood.
Just order these people around. Then, purchase nothing. You have no idea how long these people are going to retrace their steps through this potential sale, second-guessing just what went wrong. It makes for a great weekend story because those people? They’re so weird!
DON’T DO – Sing “Who You Finna Try”: Unless you like getting slapped in the face with cocaine.
PS – Unless that’s just a regular going-out shirt for this lady, she looks like a nurse. Another “Don’t Do” would be go to whatever hospital or doctor she works for without knowing the exact name of the physician you’d like to see. Because then she’d ask “Who would you like to try?”, with her enunication totally throwing you off guard. And in that split second you were thrown off guard she’d go “AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!” and her male friend would slap you in the face.
TO DO – Ride A Public Bus: This will be good for anyone who’s really, really bored. That type of bored where you’re all uppity and like “Oh my GOD I just want to get OUT of this HOUSE!” Yeah, that warm lodging you can afford really sucks doesn’t it? It’s a shame how warm it keeps you in January. And how dry are you in a rain storm? SO DRY. What a punch in the wiener.
So just go wait by the nearest bus stop the next Saturday night you’re climbing the walls looking for something to do. Get on and just watch.
City buses are moving plains of land that are both uncharted and unmarshalled. You know those signs that say “No drinking/No Smoking/No Masturbating” or whatever? Those are the equivalent of road signs some frat guy puts up in the chapter room that say “Roads Are Slippery When Wet.” There’s no road to be mindful of in the Phi Delt house, and there ARE NO RULES ON THE BUS. Spend an hour on that bus, pray you don’t get an airborne STD, then go home (GET OFF THAT BUS HOWEVER YOU CAN), take a shower, cry, take another shower, and then watch whatever is on TV or that you’ve got DVR’d.
You’ll love it. After that, it’ll be the best night of your life.
DON’T DO – Work Out: Because that stuff is lame.
I like working out as much as the next guy, but I hate going in there and seeing the guys who don’t do anything BUT work out, because they give you THAT look, the look that says “My experience overwhelms you, Zack; tremble at my might!” I’d tell him that he’s contributing nothing to society by being able to rip now-obsolete phone books in half, but then he’d stuff me in a mailbox or something. One of those big blue ones on the street.
Frankly, this guy had it coming because a.) he owned a cat and b.) way to properly put your guitar on a stand, dork. Looks like your weekly clumsy strumming of Incubus’ “Drive” will have to be put on hold for a while. Dozens of girls you’d go to jail for dating will be devastated.