Witnessing the Raw Humanity of an Illinois Flea Market

Here’s the scenario: You need something random for your house or apartment. “Need” is a little strong. You want something for your abode, but it’s nothing that you’re actually wanting to spend any sort of significant amount of money for. Pier One, Crate and Barrell, even places like Target can get pricey. You’re looking for aContinue reading “Witnessing the Raw Humanity of an Illinois Flea Market”

How To And How To Not Compete And WIN Beauty Pageants

Two words: WEAK SAUCE. Like the Mom said, if beauty pageants weren’t about beauty they wouldn’t be called beauty pageants. Little girl needs to GROW THE EFF UP AND TAKE THAT SCALDING HOT WAX LIKE THE GROWN WOMAN SHE CLEARLY ISN’T. Those eyebrows that were removed? UNSIGHTLY. I guess. I don’t know I couldn’t really seeContinue reading “How To And How To Not Compete And WIN Beauty Pageants”

Can’t Say My Entire Perception of Male Cat Owners Isn’t Shattered By The Godfather Owning A Cat

When I moved into the apartment I’m in now, I had the understanding that a single man had occupied it previously. It had been uninhabited for some time, so while dusting behind the stove, under the dishwasher, etc., I was very disturbed to find what can only be described as a grown-man’s-dumpsworth of uneaten catContinue reading “Can’t Say My Entire Perception of Male Cat Owners Isn’t Shattered By The Godfather Owning A Cat”

Quick, I Need Injury Stories To Tell People Instead of Telling Them I Pulled A Muscle Sneezing Too Hard

EMERGENCY FREAK OUT TIME, HOMIES. I pulled or tweaked or otherwise injured a muscle in my back, like right in the middle on the left side of my back. This has made even the most menial leanings-over to get off the couch or bending over to pick up a slice of cheese that fell onContinue reading “Quick, I Need Injury Stories To Tell People Instead of Telling Them I Pulled A Muscle Sneezing Too Hard”

What To Do This Weekend: Gotta Gotta Get Up To Get Down

I don’t know what it is about me, but every Thursday evening to Friday afternoon, I get asked “What’s going on this weekend?”, even by people who live NOWHERE NEAR ME. Maybe it’s my sterling track record of competitive dance-offs. Maybe it’s my sharp dressing (Air Force Ones ONLY…and suspenders sometimes). Maybe it’s because whenContinue reading “What To Do This Weekend: Gotta Gotta Get Up To Get Down”

How To Avoid Looking Like A Fool At Your Or Someone Else’s Wedding

I was in a wedding this summer. I’m going to be in a wedding this weekend, and another next spring, and I guarantee you I’ll go to about 30 in between now and then. Every weekend, there’s some couple getting hitched. It’s always a good time, but DAMN YO. There’s traveling, there’s gift giving, there’sContinue reading “How To Avoid Looking Like A Fool At Your Or Someone Else’s Wedding”

I Am Most Disappointed At The Polite Construction Workers Outside My Apartment

I’m from rural Arkansas. It was a five-minute drive to the nearest gas station. I live in St. Louis now, which is a bigger city, but I don’t work downtown or anything like that. I’d love to work down there or live in a bigger city like New York, but haven’t had such opportunities. OneContinue reading “I Am Most Disappointed At The Polite Construction Workers Outside My Apartment”

How To Deal With Office Questionable Hypotheticals

One of the worst facets to come out of the Cubicle Culture that has been manufactured for us over the past century or so – especially with the advent of the World Wide Information Superhighway – is definitely the Questionable Hypotheticals. What’s a Questionable Hypothetical?, you ask annoyingly, crinkling your nose the way you doContinue reading “How To Deal With Office Questionable Hypotheticals”

Kevin Garnett Will Show You Dullards The Fine Art of Debating

Ladies and Gentlemen, Much has been made about this verbal confrontation between myself, Kevin Garnett, and Charles Villanueva, currently playing for the National Basketball Association’s Detroit Pitons. This much-ballyhooed misunderstanding has been reported on various social networking websites, as well as venerable sports reporting television and radio stations, such as ESPN, FOX Sports Network, andContinue reading “Kevin Garnett Will Show You Dullards The Fine Art of Debating”

Is It Bad The Only Constant Reminder of Breast Cancer Awareness Month Was Grocery Bags To Pick Up My Dog’s Poop?

So we’re already into November, and I grow a terrible beard. I’ll probably shave even though it’s not the cool thing to do. This was the thought I had when I was taking my dog out for the morning business. You know you’re in the briskness of full-on Autumn when you get a smokestack outContinue reading “Is It Bad The Only Constant Reminder of Breast Cancer Awareness Month Was Grocery Bags To Pick Up My Dog’s Poop?”