Guys, Seriously? STOP Making Fun of Rebecca Black…She’s My Cousin and She’s Like Super Upset All The Time Now

Cut it out, guys. CUT IT OUT. I know you’ve all heard it and a lot of people are talking about it and mainly people are talking MAD CRAP about it but SERIOUSLY, guys. You’ve GOT to stop making fun of Rebecca Black. She’s my cousin, and ever since this video (THAT SHE WORKED REALLY HARD ON, BYContinue reading “Guys, Seriously? STOP Making Fun of Rebecca Black…She’s My Cousin and She’s Like Super Upset All The Time Now”

Witnessing the Raw Humanity of an Illinois Flea Market

Here’s the scenario: You need something random for your house or apartment. “Need” is a little strong. You want something for your abode, but it’s nothing that you’re actually wanting to spend any sort of significant amount of money for. Pier One, Crate and Barrell, even places like Target can get pricey. You’re looking for aContinue reading “Witnessing the Raw Humanity of an Illinois Flea Market”

How To And How To Not Compete And WIN Beauty Pageants

Two words: WEAK SAUCE. Like the Mom said, if beauty pageants weren’t about beauty they wouldn’t be called beauty pageants. Little girl needs to GROW THE EFF UP AND TAKE THAT SCALDING HOT WAX LIKE THE GROWN WOMAN SHE CLEARLY ISN’T. Those eyebrows that were removed? UNSIGHTLY. I guess. I don’t know I couldn’t really seeContinue reading “How To And How To Not Compete And WIN Beauty Pageants”

NO, I’M NOT WATCHING ‘When Harry Met Sally’ WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU INTERRUPT MY MOVIE TO ASK THAT?

You’ve got some nerve interrupting a perfectly fine afternoon by asking me if I’m watching When Harry Met Sally. Some nerve! You know my girlfriend isn’t here right now, she’s at work, so why would I, working from home BY MYSELF, be watching what is regarded by anyone with a brain functioning between their earsContinue reading “NO, I’M NOT WATCHING ‘When Harry Met Sally’ WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU INTERRUPT MY MOVIE TO ASK THAT?”

Can’t Say My Entire Perception of Male Cat Owners Isn’t Shattered By The Godfather Owning A Cat

When I moved into the apartment I’m in now, I had the understanding that a single man had occupied it previously. It had been uninhabited for some time, so while dusting behind the stove, under the dishwasher, etc., I was very disturbed to find what can only be described as a grown-man’s-dumpsworth of uneaten catContinue reading “Can’t Say My Entire Perception of Male Cat Owners Isn’t Shattered By The Godfather Owning A Cat”

Quick, I Need Injury Stories To Tell People Instead of Telling Them I Pulled A Muscle Sneezing Too Hard

EMERGENCY FREAK OUT TIME, HOMIES. I pulled or tweaked or otherwise injured a muscle in my back, like right in the middle on the left side of my back. This has made even the most menial leanings-over to get off the couch or bending over to pick up a slice of cheese that fell onContinue reading “Quick, I Need Injury Stories To Tell People Instead of Telling Them I Pulled A Muscle Sneezing Too Hard”

What To Do This Weekend: Gotta Gotta Get Up To Get Down

I don’t know what it is about me, but every Thursday evening to Friday afternoon, I get asked “What’s going on this weekend?”, even by people who live NOWHERE NEAR ME. Maybe it’s my sterling track record of competitive dance-offs. Maybe it’s my sharp dressing (Air Force Ones ONLY…and suspenders sometimes). Maybe it’s because whenContinue reading “What To Do This Weekend: Gotta Gotta Get Up To Get Down”

TIME FOR KRISTMAS TO GET KRUUUNK

Christmas time. It comes every year, and it really is the best time of the year. I love the merriment, the new cold (not like that February cold, where it’s been cold for so long that you’re ready to wear shorts as soon as it’s in the 50’s and would murder multiple people if theContinue reading “TIME FOR KRISTMAS TO GET KRUUUNK”

The Haunting Incantations of This Hipster Sorceress Is Definitely Not The Reason I’m Buying A Hyundai Sonata

Commercials are whack. Political commercials get me the most. They over-saturate the market so much that, frankly, defeat their own purpose. “This guy voted to HELP RAPISTS!” “Well this guy voted to HELP RAPISTS WHO MURDER!” And so on. And so on. The back and forth is stupid, although I’d like to imagine there’s oneContinue reading “The Haunting Incantations of This Hipster Sorceress Is Definitely Not The Reason I’m Buying A Hyundai Sonata”