How to Win An Argument Against Your Wife/Girlfriend…When She Is Wielding a Knife

Having a little trouble in paradise, men? Is your significant other grinding your gears, gentlemen? Going round and round, bout after bout, day in and day out with the same problems every couple faces…and even some that most don’t, fellas? Is a ten-inch butcher knife involved, sir? Unfortunately, guys, this happens to almost everyone at least once, evenContinue reading “How to Win An Argument Against Your Wife/Girlfriend…When She Is Wielding a Knife”

Seriously, Don’t Tell Everyone That I Listen To Norah Jones On My iPod

6:56 AM THURSDAY MORNING Your Town, USA PowerPower Gym HEY MAN, ARE YOU GOING TO BE HERE ON YOUR LITTLE TREADMILL FOR AWHILE? ME AND SOME BROS WHO ARE ON THE WAY ARE ABOUT TO SLAM IRON, SO IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE, THAT’D BE AWESOME. YOU STAYING? SUIT YOURSELF, CHUBBS, BUT KNOW THAT WE’RE GOINGContinue reading “Seriously, Don’t Tell Everyone That I Listen To Norah Jones On My iPod”

I’d Like To Think My Years of Adolescent Tae Kwon Do Lessons Would Be Valuable In a Bar Fight, But I Doubt It

There’s an unoften noticed flaw to being stocky, husky, or any other adjective that describes me and my fellow people who are described as not tall, but also of a portly build: people want to fight you. Maybe it’s not necessarily that they WANT to fight you, but it’s a fight that most people thinkContinue reading “I’d Like To Think My Years of Adolescent Tae Kwon Do Lessons Would Be Valuable In a Bar Fight, But I Doubt It”

Disney Movies + Three 6 Mafia = Utterly Awesome

This is one of my favorite videos of all time for a number of reasons. It goes without saying that I’m a huge Disney fan. I grew up on movies like Alice in Wonderland, Aladdin, Robin Hood (the one with the fox, not Kevin Costner), and Beauty and the Beast. Any reference therein is dulyContinue reading “Disney Movies + Three 6 Mafia = Utterly Awesome”

To Whomever Broke Into My Car A Couple of Weekends Ago: I’m So Sorry

To Whomever Broke Into My Car A Couple of Weekends Ago, My name is Zack, and I’m the owner of the car you broke into a couple of weekends ago. Let me start by saying this immediately: I am so sorry. It appears as if it was an unsuccessful heist. Unless, of course, it wasContinue reading “To Whomever Broke Into My Car A Couple of Weekends Ago: I’m So Sorry”

I Hate Hate Hate Germany Ghana

(The first draft of this article was written immediatley after the United States secured passage onto the next round of the World Cup, when it seemed inevitable that Germany would come in second in its group, pitting these old foes against one another. Of course, the Krauts won their stupid, stupid group, leaving us toContinue reading “I Hate Hate Hate Germany Ghana”

Lista De Actividades Para Cinco De Mayo

So it’s Cinco de Mayo again. Every year, it seems to be on a Wednesday, and throngs of people ditch work a little early to head to the one or two authentic Mexican restaurants in the city, and wait around shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of other white people in loosened neckties for overpriced margaritas andContinue reading “Lista De Actividades Para Cinco De Mayo”

Welcome to Arizona!

Hello neighbors! Welcome to Arizona – the Grand Canyon State! We here at the Department of Tourism and Culture would like to welcome some of you with open arms to our fine state! You may have heard some hubbub about our legislature and its recent bill regarding illegal immigration. However, we at the ADTC want you to know thisContinue reading “Welcome to Arizona!”

If I Had A Nickel For Every Time Coolio Told Me He Was Going To Get Me Pregnant

Oh, some people never seem to grow up! My problem is I don’t know whether to love em or hate em! Mainly, I just laugh at their silly, silly antics and reserve a little green envy for their youthful ways. Like this Coolio character, you know, the one from the early-90’s? Why, he is just aContinue reading “If I Had A Nickel For Every Time Coolio Told Me He Was Going To Get Me Pregnant”

My Uncle Dale Really Used To Be Something Back In The Day

Anytime I’ve struggled to succeed or to find my way in the world, I’ve always looked to people in my own family for support and guidance, one member in particular. From what I’ve gathered through various stories, tales, legends, and yellowed headlines, my Uncle Dale really used to be something back in the day. NotContinue reading “My Uncle Dale Really Used To Be Something Back In The Day”