Why Is It EVERY Time I Go To The Grocery Store I Grab The ONE Motorized Cart With the Squeaky Wheel?

Amiright?!

So I’m in the grocery store, and has this happened to anyone else? Sweet mercy, is it annoying or what?!

It’s like EVERY time I go to the grocery store I grab the ONE motorized cart with the squeaky wheel! I mean, I’m trying to get my groceries here, I’m not looking for a work out motor malfunction here! It’s just really awkward, you know, when someone’s trying to get something on the side of the aisle I’m sitting at and I’m having to force this stubborn wheel – one of four, rubber, pressurized wheels, mind you – out of the aisle so they can safely reach their chips without touching me or myself. Yeah, this requires me to completely exit the aisle, and at the staggering pace of 1/2 mph, YOU CAN IMAGINE MY FRUSTRATION!

Then I get to getting around the grocery store, and, have you noticed this people? It’s TOTALLY designed to keep you there! They’ve got the bread and the milk way in the back and you’ve gotta get through this ridiculously narrow and claustrophobia-inducing maze of aisles to get to the essentials. You have to pass by the sodas. You have to pass by the candy aisle, which is a bit redundant with candy also being at the check out line, and you have to pass by everything else before you get to the essentials. And by then THERE’S NO ROOM IN YOUR ONE BY ONE FOOT BASKET ON THE FRONT OF YOUR CART.

And they never have enough. I’m always having to come back for more of everything, very nearly every day. I consume all of it, give little to anyone else, as all of my personal relationships are virtually non-existent at this point. I come back in, one day after another, avoiding eye contact at all costs, purchasing the same ungodly amounts of food, candy, soda, EVERYTHING. THEY NEVER HAVE ENOUGH. I AM ENSLAVED IN MY BODY AND SHACKLED TO THIS GROCERY STORE.

…And I ALWAYS get the chair with the bad wheel. My luck, amiright?!

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You Used To Be Out of My League!

The following exchange was overheard at the Delta State University Homecoming festivities Saturday, October 18th, 2003, between Brian Foghart, a network administrator, and Kathy Flowers, unemployed:

Hey, Kathy…Brain…Foghart. Brian Foghart. You ran around with my roommate freshman year I think, Tom Heffries? Yeah, no, I don’t talk to him much. I remember you from back then though. Me? No, I don’t think we really hung out too much. I was pretty awkward, couldn’t really talk to girls like you back then. I mean, a girl who was as graceful and pretty and popular as you were would’ve made my Tourette’s and asthma kick up at the same time. I would’ve died choking on my own expletives.

You used to be so out of my league! What the hell happened?

I mean, I’m still pretty much in the same boat for all intents and purposes. I’ve kissed exactly the same number of women as I did when I entered college: four. I guess, I look a little different, but…right, right you don’t remember. I was pretty chubby, not really in any sort of good shape. Had a bit of acne and, oh lord, headgear for about three semesters or so. Yeah, you remember the headgear! What an odd-shaped, clumsy goofball I was. You, though? You were really something.

Well, clearly I’m in even worse shape now, the doctors say I’m fairly obese. This left leg should be gone within five years they say. These scars are from the acne and…yes, and that headgear incident. The mustache covers the worst of it, but it’s still tough to drink through a straw, whistle, little stuff like that. But, you know, I’ve gone on to do some cooler things. I’m a network administrator for mid-level manilla folder distributor, so that’s something.

You look like you’ve gone nowhere but downhill…yeah, I mean, out of MY league? I’m not sure you’re in mine anymore! Isn’t THAT something?

I mean, no offense, but you just had so much going for you. You had that haircut I remember that everyone else got like the next day, where it flipped in the back and stuff? Oh, wow, that’s the same haircut, huh? I guess your face kind of filled out, especially around the bottom, but where did your neck go?…No, I can’t really recognize the hair-do anymore. Do you cut it yourself? You do…yeah that’s probably it then. There’s a patch or two, um, missing from the back of your head. But that’s a nice sweat shirt you’ve got on. Did you sew the kittens on yourself or?…Oh, ironed on. Nice. Really matches the cat hair on your sweat pants.

No, seriously, where’s your neck?

I am so sorry to hear about your son, though. I can’t believe he would, you know, get mixed up in a company like that. I had heard some stuff about that firm, but I knew to kind of steer clear, I’m surprised he didn’t. Now, what? 15? 20 years in jail, wow. That’s something. Gotta do your homework on these companies-…you? Oh, wow, I didn’t know you were that high up with the firm. CIO, that’s a big deal, I guess. I mean, anybody could have…put that money somewhere else. Darn government! Always got their hand in your pocket, investigating illegal business practices and shady dealings and the like. But at least you went out your way, with that handgun on the rooftop and everything…right, your way until they dragged you out. I can’t believe it was a watergun! Classic!

Did you just?…I’m sorry but did you just break wind? Oof. Wow, um, this has been something. Great catching up with you, Katie…Kathy, right. I gotta get going, my asthma seems to be acting up…you know, with the fart and all. Um. Yeah. Bye.

But before I go, would you like to grab some dinner sometime?