I picked up my girlfriend’s nephew from school the other day a.) because I was free at 3:00 in the afternoon and b.) because I’m the nicest guy you’ve ever met in your entire life. Traffic happened to be a little crowded that day on the way back to his grandma’s house, where I was dropping him off, because President Obama was in town for some reason or another.
The Little Guy began to question why the President would need so much traffic-destroying security from local and federal authorities, to which I responded by telling him – in great detail – all about the four presidents who were assassinated while in office. Remember: Nicest guy you’ve ever met. By the end, the inquisitive Little Guy was laughing a little too much for comfort and had mistakenly believed that all had been shot in the head with bazookas. In fact, he said the only thing he knew about Abraham Lincoln was that he was shot in the head. Kids say the darndest things these days. But I digress.
It got me thinking about certain presidential legacies. Like him or not, you’ve got to admit the First Black President is a legacy that won’t be soon forgotten, no matter how effective or how disastrous Barack Obama’s one or two terms turn out. Not all such Presidents are as fortunate as to have the name recognition that will always accompany The First Black President. Here are some other legacies:
Thomas Jefferson: Intercourse with Slaves or Inventor of Anabolic Steroids?
The answer is both. While Jefferson has lately become rather infamous for his sexual exploits with his female slaves (true), the nation’s third president was also the first to invent the anabolic steroid, which allowed him to stay up late drafting constitutions, plow more land, plow more women and yes, even punch a hole through Aaron Burr after he shot Alexander Hamilton over a misplaced blueberry scone.
Thomas Jefferson died at Monticello after his calves – which were each roughly the size of a wild boar – split into many oozy and infected pieces while lifting a wagon full of oats over his head on a dare.
George W. Bush May Not Have Been The Worst President, But He’s Certainly The Most Likely To Take a Picture of His Own Dumps:
This is a fact and I’ll punch you in the face if you tell me otherwise to my face and are significantly smaller than me and display no overt signs of martial arts training.
I was pretty surprised that Bush didn’t take over the No. 1 spot of Most Loathed President from Herbie Hoover at the end of his term. Not that I think it, per se, but people hated this guy. I’m not here to debate that facet of his presidency, but it’s pretty undeniable that of the other 43 guys who sat in the same position as he, he’d be the first to take a picture of a massive loaf, and send it to his buddies via text or email. I’m pretty sure he did this like eight times during his first four years, each time sending one to Colin Powell, intentionally misspelling his name as ‘Colon’ and cracking up in the middle of meetings with world leaders.
His dad, No. 41, clearly quit caring long ago, and has taken to jumping out of airplanes annually.
Taft Hated Cats More Than He Hated Being Not-Unmorbidly Obese:
Taft will always be known as the only president to ever get stuck in a bath tub due to obesity (so far). But rest assured that Taft would have gladly gained another 400 lbs. just to make sure another cat never came into the world.
Taft would go on Cat Hunts, where he’d nail stray cats with a Federally licenced BB gun. Every Sunday, he’d sit on as many as he could find. He ran his entire second-term campaign on a “I’ma Kill Every Cat I See” platform, causing Woodrow Wilson to adopt a canine campaign. Theodore “CRAZY EYES” Roosevelt threw a wild card into the ring by creating the Bull-Moose party after his favorite animal, The Bullmoose, which he himself created by artificially inseminating a female bull with moose juice. A startled nation voted for Wilson, but only because Wilson was prettier than Taft and Roosevelt and promised to kill both of them at some point.
Other legacy notes:
- Grover Cleveland got elected to two non-consecutive terms by sleeping with everyone he could to get the job the first time and by subsequently bribing everyone with the antidote for the STD’s he gave them to win his second term.
- Bill Clinton was known for being a tomcat in the Oval Office. That’s pretty accurate.
- Alexander Hamilton, while never getting to the presidency, became famous for being the first person to be openly mocked for being shot.
- Andrew Jackson looked like a bird.
- Zachary Taylor had the best name. Millard Fillmore had the worst because his parents didn’t love him at all.