Zack’s Hate Mail from the Television Executive Who Signed Off on ABC’s ‘Cavemen’

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Hey there Kid,

Listen, I’m doing you a favor here: Offering you some sound advice from someone who’s been in this media biz for longer than you’ve been in the breathing air biz. Here it is: Just quit while you’ve got enough dignity to muster into another line of work and leave forever. Get out now while you’ve got the chance. I’m practically begging you, NO! I’m literally begging you to stop whatever it is that you’re doing here. It is not a good idea.

And believe you me, I know all about bad ideas.

I know something good when I see it, kid, and you don’t have it. There’s all kinds of good in the world, in a bunch of different arenas. I’m sure when you’re hanging out with your boyfriends or doing whatever it is that you do for a so-called living (I’m assuming something in the eating or balding industry), you’re quite the joker. God knows you’re funny looking. But you don’t have it where it counts. You don’t have it enough to keep people coming back for more and more. And then more. You don’t have what it takes to become a television phenomenon. You don’t have what it takes to drive an innocuous idea or concept through the ground soil, magma and through to the other end of the world.

Hell, I’ve met the people who can, and not even their skills could translate into every medium. You had better unplug your head from your ass if you think you’ve got that. Unplug. You don’t got it.

I mean, I’ve seen these guys up close. And they were so good. These Caveguys?…They had it all. They were already household names, household looks, household catchphrases. They were a GOLD MINE. You are not a gold mine whatsoever. They were bankable. You are not bankable. I put down payments on a new house, two new cars, one daughter’s wedding and one son’s college tuition with the money that I might have had had I not pooched it should have gotten out of this deal. They were that good.

You? I wouldn’t buy you a drink at the bar, much less invest anything more than I already have on you, namely these words.

I literally put all of my money on these insurance-peddling monkeymen, and they screwed me. They screwed me. They screwed me. They screwed me. I don’t have a wife because of those guys. My daughter and her now-ex-husband won’t even look at me. My son prank calls me with his other buddies who were also too dumb to get accepted into any sort of community college. They fart into the phone and laugh at me right before they hang up and I can’t get a word in. I don’t have a pair of shoes that aren’t held together with duct tape. I have to walk every where I want to be now, from my abandoned refrigerator I’m using as a house, to my new job as a hostess at Applebee’s and back to the fridge. Day in and day out. And you know what? I WOULD DO IT AGAIN. I WOULD PUT ALL MY MONEY AND LIVELIHOOD ON THE CAVEMEN IDEA. But you? I wouldn’t let you step in my old office without taking something to the garbage dump out back for me first. That’s how low you are to me.

By the way, here’s my card. Let me know if you’d ever consider writing a teleplay.


Reece Morris
Former Television Executive/DJ/Hostess with the Mostess

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

2 thoughts on “Zack’s Hate Mail from the Television Executive Who Signed Off on ABC’s ‘Cavemen’

  1. I can’t stand when people who are relatively the same age as myself call me “kid.”

    Same thing with “son” although to a slightly lesser degree.

    Sorry back to blogging.

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