Zack’s Hate Mail from Ginuwine, Singer of the Smash R&B Hit Single ‘Pony’

"As if you could proclaim 'My saddle’s waiting/ Come and jump on it' and have (ladies) not laugh in your doughy face! GUFFAW!" - Ginuwine

Duly noted, Mr. Lumpkin. Duly noted.

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Zack’s Hate Mail From The Most Adorable Little Girl You’ve Ever Seen Who Is Also His Downstairs Neighbor

Abby Greenlend, Age 5

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Taped to my door! How precious!
Wait...WAIT. WHAT.
Is that a TV being murderously thrown on me? Why yes. Yes, indeed. That's a TV being murderously thrown on me.

The bottom: "PS - This is Abby's mother, and I let her write this. I even helped."

Zack’s Hate Mail From The Person Who Used To Live In His Apartment’s Stalker

"You're Making This Absurdly Difficult To Envision Myself Wearing Your Skin"

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Dear Zack,

Sorry to introduce myself to you like this, but I couldn’t bottle up my anger at you anymore. I’ve been stalking you since you moved in around February. Let me just say, I’ve been doing this a long, long time, and I’ve never had a subject who made me consider getting out of the field as often as you do on an EVERYDAY BASIS.

Dan and his lovely wife, Veronica, were what made my business good. Regular activities, like puzzles or having friends over for a game night, were delightful to be a part of watch from a far. You realize you’ve been wearing that same “outfit” for about four days now, right? If you’re going to wear sweatpants everyday, at least maintain the dignity to swap them out for NEW PAIRS OF SWEATPANTS. The same ones day in and day out are making me want to throw up in an astronaut helmet and wear it on my head.

For God’s sake, HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF.

Dan and Veronica, I never knew what I had until they finally decided to get that house a couple of counties over, start a family. They used to laugh together, watch movies together, even read together! It was ADORABLE watching them flirt with each other with the same passion they had from day one, frolicking about in their matching His-and-Her robes. It warmed me, even from the branches outside the living room window, TRULY WARMED MY HEART.

You watch a lot of TV. I mean…wow. And it’s not even good TV. How many mid-day talk shows are there in the world? Who cares? Are you going to check out some of the places these shows are featuring? YOU DON’T GO OUTSIDE. Your “beard” looks like you wiped your mouth off with a brillo pad after a pie-eating contest. Your robe is pink and goes halfway between your hips and knee caps. It really makes me wish you were wearing the sweatpants again.

YOU KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO COULD BE WATCHING YOU THROUGH A HIGH-POWERED TELESCOPING LENS ON THE ROOF ACROSS THE STREET. JESUS.

The only thing worse than watching you waste your life away and waste my REMARKABLY PRECIOUS time is watching what comes out of your apartment. Dan and Veronica would subscribe to health magazines! You could tell they were well-worn, and some sections were even highlighted. Even for a stalker, the magazines you’re discarding are…well they’re disturbing. And this is coming from me, a professional stalker. Dan and Veronica ALWAYS donated their old clothes to Goodwill. YOU KNOW YOU CAN WASH UNDERWEAR, RIGHT? You’re not just supposed to wear them until they lose every physical characteristic that qualifies them as “underwear” just to throw them away. It’s also really weird that they’re SpongeBob themed. PS – You need to fix your diet. You eat like eight 3 Musketeer bars a day. That’s not a hyperbole. Eight to twelve daily.

Listen, you get into this business to live your life through someone else’s. You get good people like Dan and Veronica Jenkins, you see them share their lives with one another, and through the good times and the bad, begin to feel like a very real part of their family. One who seems them naked on an almost daily basis. One who NEEDS to see them naked on an almost daily basis just to get through my own existence.

It’s people like you that are ruining the business. Take a shower, get some hobbies, and for God’s sake, do some crunches or something to make yourself desirable. I’m at my wit’s end here. A couple of more weeks like this, and I’ll start leaving bigger animal carcasses on your car, or worse, stop stealing your kleenexes and hiding in your bathroom closet. I’ve got an obsession to feed, man. You gotta do this for the both of us.

Get it together.

Best,

Anthony G*****s

Zack’s Hate Mail From Your Recently Deposed Church Youth Minister

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Dear Zack,

I must say that it pains me to read this unholy drivel. I spend plenty of time on this computer and on the internet in general. I know there’s some stuff out there that’s pretty bad, but you? I think you take cake, mister. This is just some of the worst dose of poppycock of utter fooey out there.

It’s just a whole lot of filth and flarn, and I know about some filth and flarn.

I don’t know how many youngsters, not that different from you, I’ve talked to about their personal struggles to fight sin and temptation in their everyday life. They get caught up in the rush of talking to girls their age. Some of these girls these days, why, they look like full-grown women! Wearing short skirts, spaghetti straps, shirts that are tighter than a frog’s rear end, or sometimes delightfully loose and billowy, bouncing around in all manner of shoes that have heels no shorter than 3 to 6 inches, sometimes in the best shape of anyone you’ve ever seen in your life…these are the temptations these boys are facing everyday! And I try to help them the best I can, but it’s people like you, and other people, out there on the internets, who are putting up digital and irresistably sexy roadblocks between themselves and the Lord.

I’m not saying I’m perfect. But I can recognize the patterns well enough. Oh, the danger!

You know some of these idolators, heathens, and sinners are right here in our neighborhood? They’re all over the place! Why there’s a whole church league softball team full of sexy teenage singles just dying to meet and mingle! I’ve seen heard about them from some of my more troubled teens. Apparently – I say “apparently” now, because it seems you can run into these things with their links and their pictures without even MEANING to, for Pete’s sake – they’ve got photos, names, and ages, and small nearby towns listed there! As many nearby towns, with directions and everything, that you can possibly imagine. There’s just a children’s toy chest full of men, women, whatever people ready to giggitygiggityGETDOWN get to sinnin’.

It’s tough for people like me to look at people like you without shuddering in the presence of a sinner such as yourself.

If there’s anything I’ve learned since last Tuesday, when I resigned (I resigned, by the way, I was not fired, I resigned, I resigned, I resigned) it’s that this sin is everywhere. It’s on your televisions, it’s in your DVD collections, even some old VHS copies from back in the day, it’s in your low-riding vehicle enthusiast’s riding magazines, and it’s in all seven of your personal computers. There’s a great plague, Zachary, a great flood of diseases, temptations, downfalls, and ignorance about the vile dangers of these types of things that I’m trying to tell you, for your own benefit, to quit writing these articles that deal with such violence and anger and sin. Next thing you know, the whole wall of your office will be ripped down and you’ll be out in broad daylight with your pants around your ankles, mouth agape, hating the sight of daylight. So to speak, metaphorically.

Seriously. If you mess up enough, they put you in a database and you have to go house to house, or apartment to apartment, trailer to trailer saying what you…wrote. It sucks, or so I’ve heard.

Just please stop sinning. That is all.

Yours,

Rev. Jeremiah Madson
Youth Pastor

Zack’s Hate Mail from Randy ‘Macho Man’ Savage

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Dearest Zachary,

While I certainly do not wish to dilute the waters of the pool of creativity I see in the world today – a pool that is currently withering rapidly under the high sun of willful American ignorance – I simply must insist that you reassess your direction with this Web site and perhaps find a venue that would be better suited for your abilities, as limited as those are. It seems, despite my most sincere efforts, mind you, that your entries into this online journal are simply too crass, too simple-minded and too representative of the shameful status quo, to enjoy. That is, that a fart joke here, and an allusion to some sort of degenerate’s paradise there, a humorous scenario it does make.

Quite frankly, my dear boy, nothing could be further from the truth. Continue reading “Zack’s Hate Mail from Randy ‘Macho Man’ Savage”

Zack’s Hate Mail from the Television Executive Who Signed Off on ABC’s ‘Cavemen’

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Hey there Kid,

Listen, I’m doing you a favor here: Offering you some sound advice from someone who’s been in this media biz for longer than you’ve been in the breathing air biz. Here it is: Just quit while you’ve got enough dignity to muster into another line of work and leave forever. Get out now while you’ve got the chance. I’m practically begging you, NO! I’m literally begging you to stop whatever it is that you’re doing here. It is not a good idea.

And believe you me, I know all about bad ideas. Continue reading “Zack’s Hate Mail from the Television Executive Who Signed Off on ABC’s ‘Cavemen’”