Zack’s Hate Mail From Your Recently Deposed Church Youth Minister

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Dear Zack,

I must say that it pains me to read this unholy drivel. I spend plenty of time on this computer and on the internet in general. I know there’s some stuff out there that’s pretty bad, but you? I think you take cake, mister. This is just some of the worst dose of poppycock of utter fooey out there.

It’s just a whole lot of filth and flarn, and I know about some filth and flarn.

I don’t know how many youngsters, not that different from you, I’ve talked to about their personal struggles to fight sin and temptation in their everyday life. They get caught up in the rush of talking to girls their age. Some of these girls these days, why, they look like full-grown women! Wearing short skirts, spaghetti straps, shirts that are tighter than a frog’s rear end, or sometimes delightfully loose and billowy, bouncing around in all manner of shoes that have heels no shorter than 3 to 6 inches, sometimes in the best shape of anyone you’ve ever seen in your life…these are the temptations these boys are facing everyday! And I try to help them the best I can, but it’s people like you, and other people, out there on the internets, who are putting up digital and irresistably sexy roadblocks between themselves and the Lord.

I’m not saying I’m perfect. But I can recognize the patterns well enough. Oh, the danger!

You know some of these idolators, heathens, and sinners are right here in our neighborhood? They’re all over the place! Why there’s a whole church league softball team full of sexy teenage singles just dying to meet and mingle! I’ve seen heard about them from some of my more troubled teens. Apparently – I say “apparently” now, because it seems you can run into these things with their links and their pictures without even MEANING to, for Pete’s sake – they’ve got photos, names, and ages, and small nearby towns listed there! As many nearby towns, with directions and everything, that you can possibly imagine. There’s just a children’s toy chest full of men, women, whatever people ready to giggitygiggityGETDOWN get to sinnin’.

It’s tough for people like me to look at people like you without shuddering in the presence of a sinner such as yourself.

If there’s anything I’ve learned since last Tuesday, when I resigned (I resigned, by the way, I was not fired, I resigned, I resigned, I resigned) it’s that this sin is everywhere. It’s on your televisions, it’s in your DVD collections, even some old VHS copies from back in the day, it’s in your low-riding vehicle enthusiast’s riding magazines, and it’s in all seven of your personal computers. There’s a great plague, Zachary, a great flood of diseases, temptations, downfalls, and ignorance about the vile dangers of these types of things that I’m trying to tell you, for your own benefit, to quit writing these articles that deal with such violence and anger and sin. Next thing you know, the whole wall of your office will be ripped down and you’ll be out in broad daylight with your pants around your ankles, mouth agape, hating the sight of daylight. So to speak, metaphorically.

Seriously. If you mess up enough, they put you in a database and you have to go house to house, or apartment to apartment, trailer to trailer saying what you…wrote. It sucks, or so I’ve heard.

Just please stop sinning. That is all.

Yours,

Rev. Jeremiah Madson
Youth Pastor

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