Zack’s Hate Mail from Randy ‘Macho Man’ Savage

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Dearest Zachary,

While I certainly do not wish to dilute the waters of the pool of creativity I see in the world today – a pool that is currently withering rapidly under the high sun of willful American ignorance – I simply must insist that you reassess your direction with this Web site and perhaps find a venue that would be better suited for your abilities, as limited as those are. It seems, despite my most sincere efforts, mind you, that your entries into this online journal are simply too crass, too simple-minded and too representative of the shameful status quo, to enjoy. That is, that a fart joke here, and an allusion to some sort of degenerate’s paradise there, a humorous scenario it does make.

Quite frankly, my dear boy, nothing could be further from the truth.

While I may seem like the type to enjoy a good rousing guffaw once in a while, and I certainly am susceptible to such, I am most often fulfilled when reading something that challenges the soul with stirring syntax or questions that which is taken for granted daily in this often listless, sullen existence we call life on Earth. Why are we here? What is our purpose? What meaning can we or any man ascribe to the rigmarole which we often cast aside like a tacky Christmas sweater, but cling so tightly to when our most egregious comforts are threatened to be taken away? It is these, the questions of our very being, which drive our minds, which drive our inherent day-to-day quest of knowledge and fulfillment. Going through these various selections of yours, why, it seems as if you’ve not only thrown caution to the wind, but have thrown decency, intellect, and any semblance to pride in one’s self to not just the wind, but the gutter as well.

For shame; methinks ‘tis folly on your part.

I, too, am all for clamoring the chains of societal norms. My garb, colorful and, some may portend, quite loud, is clearly a demonstration of my abilities to not only endorse but to participate in this shackle-shaking. Our lives were not meant to be lived in the khakied prison of a cubicle under the florescent canopy of an ominous and malevolent office setting. Even the Egyptians abandoned their sun, Rah. We can be free men, and free women, and we can do so befitting a culture and society that encourages progress, that encourages development, that encourages making the most of what truly little time we have on this spinning, celestial orb. They say some stars in the sky may have died long ago, their light only now reaching our vision, whereas they are no more. Our time is fleeting in order to create something that may be seen and pleasurably enjoyed for many-millennia to come. And we may, as human beings do so, but with haste; we must not dally.

So writing about maniacal advice columnists or your beloved “poop,” my boy…alas, this may not be the best use of your time.

I’d encourage you to take some time away, sip on some herbal tea, and reconfigure your life’s trajectory. It would surely be a shame to see your mind – as perhaps irrevocably tainted as it may be – go to waste.

Warmest and Most Sincere Regards,

Randall “Macho Man” Savage

 PS – Please snap into a Slim Jim at your earliest convenience. Oh, yeah.


Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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