In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:
Dear Zack,
Sorry to introduce myself to you like this, but I couldn’t bottle up my anger at you anymore. I’ve been stalking you since you moved in around February. Let me just say, I’ve been doing this a long, long time, and I’ve never had a subject who made me consider getting out of the field as often as you do on an EVERYDAY BASIS.
Dan and his lovely wife, Veronica, were what made my business good. Regular activities, like puzzles or having friends over for a game night, were delightful to be a part of watch from a far. You realize you’ve been wearing that same “outfit” for about four days now, right? If you’re going to wear sweatpants everyday, at least maintain the dignity to swap them out for NEW PAIRS OF SWEATPANTS. The same ones day in and day out are making me want to throw up in an astronaut helmet and wear it on my head.
For God’s sake, HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF.
Dan and Veronica, I never knew what I had until they finally decided to get that house a couple of counties over, start a family. They used to laugh together, watch movies together, even read together! It was ADORABLE watching them flirt with each other with the same passion they had from day one, frolicking about in their matching His-and-Her robes. It warmed me, even from the branches outside the living room window, TRULY WARMED MY HEART.
You watch a lot of TV. I mean…wow. And it’s not even good TV. How many mid-day talk shows are there in the world? Who cares? Are you going to check out some of the places these shows are featuring? YOU DON’T GO OUTSIDE. Your “beard” looks like you wiped your mouth off with a brillo pad after a pie-eating contest. Your robe is pink and goes halfway between your hips and knee caps. It really makes me wish you were wearing the sweatpants again.
YOU KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO COULD BE WATCHING YOU THROUGH A HIGH-POWERED TELESCOPING LENS ON THE ROOF ACROSS THE STREET. JESUS.
The only thing worse than watching you waste your life away and waste my REMARKABLY PRECIOUS time is watching what comes out of your apartment. Dan and Veronica would subscribe to health magazines! You could tell they were well-worn, and some sections were even highlighted. Even for a stalker, the magazines you’re discarding are…well they’re disturbing. And this is coming from me, a professional stalker. Dan and Veronica ALWAYS donated their old clothes to Goodwill. YOU KNOW YOU CAN WASH UNDERWEAR, RIGHT? You’re not just supposed to wear them until they lose every physical characteristic that qualifies them as “underwear” just to throw them away. It’s also really weird that they’re SpongeBob themed. PS – You need to fix your diet. You eat like eight 3 Musketeer bars a day. That’s not a hyperbole. Eight to twelve daily.
Listen, you get into this business to live your life through someone else’s. You get good people like Dan and Veronica Jenkins, you see them share their lives with one another, and through the good times and the bad, begin to feel like a very real part of their family. One who seems them naked on an almost daily basis. One who NEEDS to see them naked on an almost daily basis just to get through my own existence.
It’s people like you that are ruining the business. Take a shower, get some hobbies, and for God’s sake, do some crunches or something to make yourself desirable. I’m at my wit’s end here. A couple of more weeks like this, and I’ll start leaving bigger animal carcasses on your car, or worse, stop stealing your kleenexes and hiding in your bathroom closet. I’ve got an obsession to feed, man. You gotta do this for the both of us.
Get it together.
Best,
Anthony G*****s
ZACK STOVALL 