In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:
PLAYERS!!!!! HOES!!!!!
Git-it-READY becuz 2NITE is THE NITE to get WIIIIIIIILD! Come on down to DA VELVET BOTTLE at the corner of 1-70 and WASHINGTON! The party gon start 2NITE an’ it ain’t gon end til the BREAKABREAKABREAKADAWN. This party is to CELEBRATE how much we HATE this guy who tries to WRITE FUNNY STUFF and KAN’T DO IT. If you down fo gettin’ FREEEEEEEAKY 2NITE???…KOME HERE, GIT HERE, BE HERE!
WE BE DRANKIN DRUNKIN DRONKEN!
LADIES! Bring yo ass! Bring yo friends! GET READY TO GET WILD! We’re gonna ridikule this pasty kid who writes the DUMBEST stuff you’ve NEVER READ! And don’t worry about this hater hittin’ on you HE AIN’T GOT NO GAME. There’s going 2 be DANCING. There’s going 2 be DRANKS. Just look for the spotlights and the Q103.7 HOT RYDE out front! There’s going 2 be DJFREAQUE feat. DJ HUSHPUPPIEZ and they gon be spinning trax until THE ROOFS BE ON FIRE!
FLAAAAAAAAME ON, PLAYAZZZ!
FELLAZ! This is NOT your boy! He is NOT TALL and knows very little MARTIAL ARTS! You kan dump yo DRANK on his face and LAFF when you listen to him KOMPLAIN ABOUT YO IMPOLITENESS! And get ready to GRIND YO DENIM on the flyest hoes this side WHEREVER. Drink specials gon be FISCALLY PRUDENT wif this muhfuhn’ EKONOMY! Only TEN DOLLAZ gets you in, with LADIES GETTIN IN FREEEEEEE TIL MIDNITE! Remember, FELLAZ, get yo hairs kut, starch them kuffs and look FRESH TO DEATH otherwise YOU AIN’T NUFF.
WE GON BE FRESH AND FISCALLY PRUDENT! YOU KNOW DIS!
So summon all the HATE and MALICIOUS FEELINGS that you’ve EVER FELT toward another human being! BOTTLE that HATE up to the point in which you are AGITATED AT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOKATION. Think about every wrong that you’ve had to ENDURE! Think of hungry puppies who FEED ON OTHER HUNGRY PUPPIES, and CHILDREN WITH NO PARENTS. BOTTLE UP all them BAD FEELINZ and SMASH DEM BOTTLES on this NOT FUNNY man’s HEAD and his LL BEAN STARCHED KHAKIS!
And get ready to do it WITH THE HOTTEST SINGLES IN THE CITAAAYYYY!
And REMEMBER, if you ain’t LOUD! you ain’t PROUD!
SEE YOU HOES AND HOETTE’S 2NITE!!!!!!!
FO SHOOOO!,
DJ KRINKLEBIZKUIT!!!!!
AND REMEMBER! DRIVE MUHFUHIN’ RESPONSIBLY!
ZACK STOVALL 