Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.
“Dear Terry,
Our boss has us working in teams to get multiple projects done ASAP. The designated ‘leader’ of my group and I have never gotten along. How do I make sure we can get the job done ASAP without quarrelling?
I need an answer ASAP,
Personal Patrick”
You’re lucky, Patrick, as your query happens to fall into my dojo of experience; I’ve never been the boss of anybody and also hate everybody, my bosses included, if not especially so.
Your real problem lies in the fact that you want to avoid this quarrelling. You should not only embrace the fact that you’ve got someone to spar with, but also engage in physical confrontation with this person at the soonest possible time, and violently so! The best way to sneak up on someone is to be ridiculously nice to them at first. They’ll know something’s up immediately, as you two have a history of bad blood. Let everyone see you being generous and nice, noticing his tension as he waits for you to strike. As soon as writes anything (a note, a pre-printed letter, or anything on the drawing board), calmly walk up to his work, take a big deep breath, and go “I hate to say this, but this looks like a rabid raccoon took a dump on it.”
The other people’s reactions toward one another regarding the statement should be enough of a distraction to climb the table and drop kick him in the neck. You’ll both drop like a bag of bricks, but you’ll sustain only a leg injury or so, whereas he could have permanent neck and spine damage.
ASAP? Get with the 90’s, Patrick, you idiot. I hope you both sustain severe head injuries.
“Terry,
I’ve got about 30 hours worth of work to finish by tomorrow morning. How do I get this done and keep from getting canned?
Ugh,
Hapless Harriet”
Harriet, you started off great. You let me know that when push comes to shove, you are going to just procrastinate and do whatever it is that you do. With a name like Harriet, I’m going to assume knit awful-looking quilts. Then you talk about wanting to get it done? Get it done? Why would you ever do such an awful thing? Save that awful for your quilts you knit for poor people against their will.
From a time-management standpoint, it’s doubtful you could even finish the job. Take my advice and provide an incentive for your bosses to either give you more time or drop the task completely. Scream the project name at the top of your lungs every now and then. Pull out noticeable clumps of your hair, stapling said clumps to the break room bulletin board. Lie face down in the middle of the office and just moan. Your apparent openness to get the job done will be your downfall; let everyone know you not only can’t get it done, but that doing so would cut the last chord of human dignity, rationality, and sanity attaching your soul to your body.
Take it from me: People always give that guy some extra space. Just look out for tranquilizers.
“Oh Terry,
I think my boss and his secretary are having an affair. This is wrong on so many levels: both are married, one’s the other’s boss, there are kids involved…what am I to do?
Nooo,
Frightened Franklin”
Normally, I’d be all like ‘KEEP OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE’S BUSINESS, YOU FAT F–KING IDIOT, I HOPE SOMEONE LIKE ME FRAMES YOU FOR BEATING SOMEONE TO DEATH WITH A LIVE TURTLE.’ You seem like that type of person; most nosey people are pretty fat. I’m not even going to question whether or not they were actually making enough noise for you to notice or if you stuck your probably-fat nose into their privacy. That little detail doesn’t really matter, anyway, Frank. You’re fat.
But, it’s my duty to give the best advice I can, and I actually see a window of opportunity. Whether or not you’re able to fit through that window, Frank, you heinously overweight back of pig excrement, it up to you and your dietician.
Blackmail the daylights out of both of these people. Blackmail your boss for leverage in the company and fiduciary benefits. He makes more money than you’ll ever be able to eat: milk him for all he’s got. Sneak into his office when he’s doing the deed. Wait, you’re fat and incapable of sneaking, right? Right. Put up hidden cameras to catch him in the act. Then boom! You’re on your way to your first big pay-day that isn’t a candy bar. And remember to extort both of them, because it’s just plain fun and a rare opportunity.
And oh yeah, once you get your money and power, totally drop the bomb on them anyway. It’ll be great!
ZACK STOVALL 