Terry Gaither Advice on Worker Motivation, Computers, and Bedroom Secrets

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I run a web-advertising firm, and my salesmen and women are really stinking up the joint! I know it’s the bad economy, but I’m struggling to find ways to motivate them. I’ve considered gift cards, trades, everything, but still nothing. Got any motivational tips?
Ten-Four!,
William Whichtower”

Motivation? What the F is motivation?

Clearly the fact that you’re having to beg your employees to do their jobs to the best of your abilities means that you run a very flacid ship, indeed. But if you’re going to nancy around this situation, and not grab these men and women by their collective scrotes, bending them to your will, you’re probably going to have to get subversive. Polish knives on your desk. Take up archery in the conference room. Take massive dumps wherever you please, and if anyone gives you a look, you tell them this is your office, your house, and when you own something, you can drop a deuce anywhere you please.

Like I said, subversive. Get in their heads.

Or you could go the old-fashioned route: Have you killed the weakest member of your team during an office meeting? Have you even tried to kill the weakest member of your team during an office meeting? Try killing the weakest member of your team during an office meeting.

I doubt you’ll use any of this advice, because you’re a chump asking me how to ‘motivate’ the people you likely overpay. I hope your business is one where you make thin boxes full of shattered glass, and that the building falls on you, sending the shards of glass everywhere in you. And I do mean everywhere.

“Dear Terry,
My name is Cal Stephens and I’m a computer programmer from- …”

NERD!!!

“Dear Terry,
So I’m in Las Vegas for a small business owner’s convention and…slept with a competitor. He seemed like a really nice guy, I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years, we got to talking about business, one thing lead to another…I’m worried I might’ve divulged too much of my business’ strategy and future plans while in his company. What do I do now?
Lucky In Las Vegas,
Pamela Grimes”

You do know I’m in a MAXIMUM SECURITY mental health facility and havent exercised my love muscle in over seven years, right? With the hippopotamus tranquilizers medicine they’ve got me on, I’m lucky to even notice when the nurse is changing my bed sheets. THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN (pun unintended, but left in the text for intended purposes [TERRY WINS!]).

As a wise man once said “Plowing someone you work with is nothing new, Terry.” But if there’s anything I learned after that guy said that to me, it’s that plowing someone you work against is nothing new. Frankly, I think the adage should be “Plowing is nothing new” but this is a business-focused article so STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME.

My advice would be to contract a venereal disease and give it to him. He’s already slayed you once, so it’s going to be more difficult to be attractive to him, but go into his office on a Thursday afternoon, when he’s trying to get everything wrapped up for the weekend for an easy Friday, and then hit him with your best shot. It will be very satisfying knowing that his marriage could very well unravel as a result of him giving his wife (I’m assuming he’s married, you seem like the homewrecking type) the clap, the drip, the herp, the roast, or the crabs. But don’t let me confine your creative imagination. Why not get as many STD’s as possible!

This is of course, assuming you don’t already have plenty, which I now realize is a broad assumption. If you (miraculously) don’t, swing by Pleasant Oaks Mental Health Facility, and bring some uppers and blood-thinner. I’ve got a whole batch of something here for ya.

(PS – I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written any of you back. Solitary confinement will do that to your work schedule, and quite frankly, I’ve had some solace knowing that many of the problems you’ve written me about have likely already ruined you before my advice could help you out. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Ha.)

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Terry Gaither Advice on Letting Employees Go

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
Thinking about moving some of my resources off-shore. This would cut costs very well…but I’d have to let a couple of people here go. Not wanting to be a cold-hearted guy, but I’ve got a business to run. What’s my move?
Respectfully,
Edward Romaine”

Nobody wants to look like the dickhole in a given situation. I get that. But sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do, up to and including assuming dickhole status. There are three avenues you can take here in order to soften the inevitable blow to your employees or to avoid it completely, just like I didn’t this one time/the last time when I had some people working under me:

Change Your Business To Include Numerous Offshore and Onshore Resources: This could include any number of black market importing and exporting, from drugs and exotic animals to organs and more organs. Don’t worry about not getting to undercut your current employees. Just make them work graveyard shifts with a high probability of getting shot by other dealers or maybe even law enforcement officers! JOY!

Make Them Happy You’re Letting Them Go: This might be redundant, as you could already be doing these things, but make sure they see your possibly calloused business decision to fire them and put them out on the street as a welcome, misery-ending blessing. Start making them work 110 hours weekly. Turn the heat up in the summer. Blare nothing but death metal over the loudspeaker and make sure that not one photon of natural light enters that building. Do you have any available livestock for slaughter? Get some livestock and start slaughtering. Remember, the heat will be on so that smell will stay with those people for a while. Then, after those people are gone, you and the employees you kept can just laugh and laugh.

Fire Them: You could always just sack up and tell them to their faces that they and the company are going in two different directions and wish them the best. And if they get upset, just punch them in the teeth. That’d be the most professional, but least fun, way to handle it.

PS – I’m only doing one query today because last night my nurse had to hit me in the throat with his baton, so I’m a little hungover. Go screw yourself, readers.

Terry Gaither Advice on Local Investments, Mutual Options and Pregnancy

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
Looking for a good local business to invest in so I can see my investment producing tangible results. Got any good tips?
Thanks,
John Dobledder”

The best local business to invest in is the one most likely to report your various exploits and indiscretions. They’ll be hamstrung to do so, as they’ll be financially indebted to you.

With your money hanging over their head like a guillotine, you’ll be able to wander the common area butt naked, steal from their petty cash or cash registers, use their toilets as your own and, most importantly, slaps uppity clients or customers who don’t rub you in the right literal way.

They’ll appreciate your investment more than you’ll ever know. And if they don’t, you can burn that mother to the ground, piss on the ashes, poop on the piss and laugh and laugh and laugh because it’s pretty much your place anyway. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Local Investments, Mutual Options and Pregnancy”

Terry Gaither Advice on Team Building, Relocation, and Changing Vocations

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

Dear Terry,
My bosses keep making us go on all of these ‘team-building retreats.’ Basically, they’ll just let us out early and we’ll all go to get drinks at Chili’s or do something else fun. How am I supposed to get out of doing these stupid, stupid activities and get some real work done?
Harumph,
Stingy Sharon”

Two things are apparent in your dissection of the situation: First, that your bosses aren’t utilizing their time in a way that is beneficial for everyone’s best interest and two, that you’re a devil woman who is probably just awful to work with and around. Those two facts sum everything up pretty well.

So, while your bosses are kind of wimpy and are trying to curry favor among their subordinates by getting them hammered, you can always just say “YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD BE DOING WORK NOW” and maybe walk out. This will connote the fact that you disagree with this laid back corporate environment and that animals have crawled inside of your bowels, made a home, lived their lives there, aged considerably, and passed away several months ago. They will – no doubt – already know this about you, but saying things that people already know seems to be something you’d be annoyingly good at.

So the next time your bosses, who seem nice enough, ever try to bond with you or your co-workers, make sure you let them know that you won’t be bought out by kindness, but by bloodshed. Maybe punch someone in the back of the head when you’re storming back to the office that hates you.

Will you marry me? Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Team Building, Relocation, and Changing Vocations”

Terry Gaither Advice on Teamwork, Time Management and Extramarital Affairs

  

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
Our boss has us working in teams to get multiple projects done ASAP. The designated ‘leader’ of my group and I have never gotten along. How do I make sure we can get the job done ASAP without quarrelling?
I need an answer ASAP,
Personal Patrick”

You’re lucky, Patrick, as your query happens to fall into my dojo of experience; I’ve never been the boss of anybody and also hate everybody, my bosses included, if not especially so.

Your real problem lies in the fact that you want to avoid this quarrelling. You should not only embrace the fact that you’ve got someone to spar with, but also engage in physical confrontation with this person at the soonest possible time, and violently so! The best way to sneak up on someone is to be ridiculously nice to them at first. They’ll know something’s up immediately, as you two have a history of bad blood. Let everyone see you being generous and nice, noticing his tension as he waits for you to strike. As soon as writes anything (a note, a pre-printed letter, or anything on the drawing board), calmly walk up to his work, take a big deep breath, and go “I hate to say this, but this looks like a rabid raccoon took a dump on it.”

The other people’s reactions toward one another regarding the statement should be enough of a distraction to climb the table and drop kick him in the neck. You’ll both drop like a bag of bricks, but you’ll sustain only a leg injury or so, whereas he could have permanent neck and spine damage.

ASAP? Get with the 90’s, Patrick, you idiot. I hope you both sustain severe head injuries. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Teamwork, Time Management and Extramarital Affairs”

Terry Gaither Advice on Worker’s Comp, Help from the Boss, and Career Changes

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I slipped and fractured my knee cap on a business trip and my company is saying that since I wasn’t on company property, they’re NOT responsible for it. How should I go about making sure I’m properly compensated?
Ouch!,
Painful Percy”

Well, your first mistake was getting such a minor injury in the first place. Learn to walk right, dammit. Learn to walk.

But making sure you get yours is something I can get behind. You’ve already had to suffer quite a bit, yes? You’ve already made it apparent that, despite this injury, you’re still able to continue working. Now it’s time to create a tremendous calamity that will most likely not only result in the injury of yourself – who’s already injured by the way – but possibly injuring countless others in the process; they can’t say no to everybody.

Personal suggestions from me would be inserting a bag full of scrap metal into the microwave during the next office birthday luncheon in the breakroom, filling the office copier/fax machine with 25-30 lit M80’s or, my personal favorite, drive your car through the first floor of your office, nailing as many of your associates as possible, and then get under your car before anybody can see you were driving it.

I hope your knee feels worse before it feels better. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Worker’s Comp, Help from the Boss, and Career Changes”

Terry Gaither Advice on Leveraging, Office Expenditures, and Competitive Relationships

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I’ve been offered a fairly lucrative position at a nearby investment firm, but I like where I’m at with regard to everything but pay. How do I leverage this job offer to make more money but stay put?
Loving Life,
Frank Backbrace”

Oh, well, look at you, bragging on the Internet about lucrative offers being made to you. “What do I do with all of this possible money, Terry?! I couldn’t possibly think to spend it on recreational activities! Where’s the nearest non-profit or charitable cause I can burn down and rebuild with my wonderfully excessive amount of income?!”

I can think of two outcomes, both of which will work out well for you, while killing me from the inside out: one, you get a new job that pays you more money. Think of all that money! You’ll be able to finally purchase the love of your precious children once-and-for-until-they-want-more-love-ransom with a bike or life-sized dollhouse. Or two, you talk to your bosses and they realize you’re a singular commodity and worthy of a pay raise.

Personally, I don’t think you’re worth a used-red-headed-merkin. Maybe you can leverage yourself for that position. You’d do well doing that. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Leveraging, Office Expenditures, and Competitive Relationships”

Terry Gaither Advice on Bosses, Interviews and Religion

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I’ve always prided myself on my work ethic, but my boss is taking advantage! I’ve taken on way too many responsibilities as of late – and I’m worried that more are on the way! How do I stay afloat?
Exclamatorily!
Loud Lorraine”

I totally get where you’re coming from, Lois. My boss was always, always, ALWAYS on my case about one thing or another. It’s unfortunate that we live in such a society where one person – in this case Dale Romisch, where it sounds like a stupid ‘k’ sound at the end even though there’s no ‘k’ in his stupid f-ing name – can tell you what to do at any given point for an entire THIRD of your day. “Terry, we really need that report yesterday.” “Gaither, get those pants back on, dammit!” “Gaither, if you don’t put that woman down and get back to your chair, you have had it here at [FIRM NAME OMITTED]…and where’s that report?!”

But as for your particular problem of having too much work (the fact that you were open to receiving such tasks makes me think you really want to be able to do all this stuff, but goshgolly, there aren’t enough hours in the day! which makes me hate you), I’d consider readjusting your values and doing so vocally. Next time, he – or she? no wait it’s your boss- next time he gives you an assignment, stare at the point where the wall meets the ceiling, try and make your face the size of a dime by clinching and then scream at the top of your lungs, “AGAIN, [insert first name of his direct subordinate]?!” This will cause confusion, doubt, mistrust among his inner circle and most of all, provide you with a distraction to keep from doing that assignment and the last four or five assignments he gave you.

You’re not welcome. You will squander this precious gift because you care too much. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Bosses, Interviews and Religion”

Terry Gaither Advice on Toyota, Interns and Distant Spouses


Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.
 
“Dear Terry,
So, a vast majority of my stock portfolio was heavily invested in Toyota. I got all caught up in the Hybrid car spirit and…collapse. How do I piece everything together again?
-Sincerely, Environmental Erwin
 
Quite frankly, chump, you had this coming. Putting all of your stock into the brood of vipers that is Japan, no matter how altruistic your stupid intentions were, will always land you in hot water. I once put a great deal of stock into a half-African-American, half-Spanish lady of the night who went by the name Chyna, like the wrestler guy. What happened was a long, long evening full of blood, screaming, other sundry fluids – bodily and otherwise – and I think a trip to one of the country’s only 24-hour Captain D’s. This was one of the many straws that severed the camel’s life-supporting spinal cord which my wife and I purchased as a tangible example of a metaphor for our marriage.
Long story short: Don’t trust anything from Japan, either.
 

Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Toyota, Interns and Distant Spouses”

Terry Gaither Advice on Friendly Bosses, Wal-Mart, and Hobbies

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
My boss seems to be getting chummy with everyone in the office…except for me. I haven’t minded until I realized business decisions were being made in their down time. What am I to do?
Eee!,
Typical Taylor”

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. For the love of God, people, do NOT give me these gender-ambiguous names. Clearly, the name ‘Terry’ is no exception, which is probably why I hate that name and any other androgynous name so much, but please, I hate those names so much. So, so much. I’ve never met not one person with such a name and been impressed with anything about them. It’s just too much effort to even process what it is they’re trying to put in your head, you’re too busy imagining them in (if male) in girl clothes or (if female) with even more facial hair.

Also, just technically speaking on what it is I do, it’s hard to give gender-neutral advice. Frankly, what’s good for the goose is not always good for the gander. I don’t know which is which, but really, geese are horrid, terrible, vicious creatures in general. Much like you, Taylor.

Now Talyor-Woman, here’s what I would do were I in your ill-fitting shoes: go nuts. Seriously, you should just do that whichever is most erratic at any given time. Smash someone’s coffee mug to the ground while walking past, grinning from ear to ear. Walk in a strict straight line all day, climbing over cubicle walls and desks from room to room. If the walls are that thin dry-wall material, bust right through. This will attract enough attention to make sure that any important decision is not made without your knowing as no decisions will be made other than God, what are we going to do about this female wrecking ball?!

Taylor-Man: You’re clearly not liked. Go ahead and punch people in the groin as early and often as possible. You’re going nowhere but out the door anyway. Swing away. But make sure you land some punches, because with a name like Taylor, people are expecting quite a limp wrist. Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Friendly Bosses, Wal-Mart, and Hobbies”