Terry Gaither Advice on Toyota, Interns and Distant Spouses


Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.
 
“Dear Terry,
So, a vast majority of my stock portfolio was heavily invested in Toyota. I got all caught up in the Hybrid car spirit and…collapse. How do I piece everything together again?
-Sincerely, Environmental Erwin
 
Quite frankly, chump, you had this coming. Putting all of your stock into the brood of vipers that is Japan, no matter how altruistic your stupid intentions were, will always land you in hot water. I once put a great deal of stock into a half-African-American, half-Spanish lady of the night who went by the name Chyna, like the wrestler guy. What happened was a long, long evening full of blood, screaming, other sundry fluids – bodily and otherwise – and I think a trip to one of the country’s only 24-hour Captain D’s. This was one of the many straws that severed the camel’s life-supporting spinal cord which my wife and I purchased as a tangible example of a metaphor for our marriage.
Long story short: Don’t trust anything from Japan, either.
 

“Terry,
I’ve got this intern loafing about the office. She came highly recommended, but she’s showing up late, leaving early, wearing jeans throughout the week and sweatpants on Friday…and her performance at work leaves much to be desired. It might be detrimental to retrain someone to do her job, but we’re at our wit’s end with this one. What’s our next move?”
-Regards,
Mike the Manager

Hooboy, what to do with a woman who is bad at the only job you’ve assigned her to be good at…hmmm. This subject has been thoroughly investigated over numerous trial-and-error-and-trial-again testing, as there – and I’m only inferring the apparent here – tends to be an abundance of women who are bad at their jobs. There are a number of different avenues you can go down in this case. Here are a couple:

  • Caning is legal in some countries. If caning is legal in your country, exercize said rights. If not, write your congressman or other representative and wait patiently, letting your hatred simmer to a boil.
  • Do some passive-aggressive pranks. Personally, I think pranks are childish, but many of my readers enjoy it. Find a couple of the other head honchos and mumble something indiscernable to them, only letting her within earshot to here her name. “Mumble mumble mumble CINDY!” Then burst out in laughter, slapping each other on the back. Ignore here until she says your name three times, stealing her clearly-labeled lunch from the break room, or mispronouncing her name to her face (“Hey, Mindy”…”Hey Sandy”…”Excuse me, Candy?” are also good ways to accomplish this.
  • Finally, you can invite her into your office. Calmly explain your concerns for your business and for her benefit. Patiently listen to her side, while also describing the job requirements and her reasonable expectations therein. Explain it in such a way that she understands the gravity of the situation, but not so much that it hinders her ability to work stress-free. This should take about 15-20 minutes. Plenty of time for your other co-workers to switch her cubicle with the dumpster out back, and vice versa.

Problem solved. Or not, in which case, back to the square one, and caning and the like. Women be shoppin’!

“Dear Terry,
My wife is becoming more and more distant. It’s starting to affect my performance at work…I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, nothing seems to work. Got any tips?
Desperately,
Sad Salvador”

 Your wife is becoming distant and it’s affecting your work, eating, and sleeping habits? Are you know working at, like, three times the efficiency you regularly would, and benchpressing the conference room tables? Are you losing so much weight that your moniker “Morbidly Obese Sal” is now not only inaccurate but ironic? Are you not sleeping and forming massive underground networks of clubs forged on violence and self-expression?

 Why do you need advice? You need a pat on the back. And you definitely don’t need to brag about it to a guy who’s in here because his wife was becoming too distant from me and too undistant from her kickboxing instructor. Not guilty, though! (/mimes three-point jumpshot) Kobe-riminally insaaaaane! And the jury goes wild!

 

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