Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.
“Dear Terry,
Looking for a good local business to invest in so I can see my investment producing tangible results. Got any good tips?
Thanks,
John Dobledder”
The best local business to invest in is the one most likely to report your various exploits and indiscretions. They’ll be hamstrung to do so, as they’ll be financially indebted to you.
With your money hanging over their head like a guillotine, you’ll be able to wander the common area butt naked, steal from their petty cash or cash registers, use their toilets as your own and, most importantly, slaps uppity clients or customers who don’t rub you in the right literal way.
They’ll appreciate your investment more than you’ll ever know. And if they don’t, you can burn that mother to the ground, piss on the ashes, poop on the piss and laugh and laugh and laugh because it’s pretty much your place anyway.
“Terry,
Looking to put some money away for retirement in a mutual fund. Think that’s a good option?
Just Wondering,
Harry Frotloski”
Mutual funds are a great, low-risk way to let your money work for you. By spreading your dollar over several diverse and varying investments, with patience, you can reap a bountiful return over several years.
The problem is the three key ingredients are low-risks, patience, and money to begin with. Here’s a better option: Take all of that money you were going to put into a mutual fund and gamble, gamble, gamble at the nearest available casino you can stagger into. You could double, triple or even QUADRUPLE your money just like that! That may seem a bit short-sighted, but here’s the kicker: FREE DRINKS. Mutual funds may be able to produce millions over time but can they get you drunk? I don’t know, because I’m not really even sure what a mutual fund is anymore.
Look at it this way. At the very, very least you’ll have an empty bank account, hopeless future and debilitating addiction to alcohol. It could ALWAYS be worse.
“Dear Terry,
So my wife dropped the news on me: She’s pregnant. This is unplanned, and frankly, messes up a lot of the plans we had been saving up for. What do we do now?
Preparing,
Paternal Patrick”
So you did the deed and now the bill came up, and they’re exercising the 18-year option, eh? WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT ‘BABY-MAKING,’ FATRICK?!
Let’s just take this thing we call life in stride, shall we? Life tosses you a curveball, such as pregnancy or a lengthy high-security-mental-facility-visit, and you’ve got to make the most of your options. Here’s a few for you:
- Grow this spawn into your malevolent protegé and rule everyone as Demon and Demon-Seed. Make sure you’ve got fire, though.
- Ignore him completely. Worked for me and my dad.
- If you have a girl, get ready to punch yourself in the crotch everyday for the rest of your life.
ZACK STOVALL 
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