Terry Gaither Advice on Worker’s Comp, Help from the Boss, and Career Changes

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I slipped and fractured my knee cap on a business trip and my company is saying that since I wasn’t on company property, they’re NOT responsible for it. How should I go about making sure I’m properly compensated?
Painful Percy”

Well, your first mistake was getting such a minor injury in the first place. Learn to walk right, dammit. Learn to walk.

But making sure you get yours is something I can get behind. You’ve already had to suffer quite a bit, yes? You’ve already made it apparent that, despite this injury, you’re still able to continue working. Now it’s time to create a tremendous calamity that will most likely not only result in the injury of yourself – who’s already injured by the way – but possibly injuring countless others in the process; they can’t say no to everybody.

Personal suggestions from me would be inserting a bag full of scrap metal into the microwave during the next office birthday luncheon in the breakroom, filling the office copier/fax machine with 25-30 lit M80’s or, my personal favorite, drive your car through the first floor of your office, nailing as many of your associates as possible, and then get under your car before anybody can see you were driving it.

I hope your knee feels worse before it feels better.

My boss has a nasty habit of giving me a ton of complicated assignments that need her constant supervision, and then leaving early nearly every day. Then, she has the nerve to complain about my ‘lack of haste.’ How do I explain that SHE’S the problem without getting fired?


Distracted Darrell”

Really? Another ‘I’ve got too much work I want to do but can’t’ sob story? I really wish you people had to submit these things by hand. Within striking distance. Then I’d be able to give you whatfor. YEAH, WHATFOR.

Clearly, your boss doesn’t care about you enough to stick around and make sure you can do the job right/well/without doing it in crayon like an invalid. You need to make him want/need to stay around for the full day. This can be accomplished in numerous ways:

  • Lace his food with laxatives, making a commute home a risky procedure.
  • Make sure hardcore porn is always audible in the office, then act like you don’t hear anything. His curiosity will make him stick around.
  • Start a fire in a different cubicle everyday around 2 in the afternoon. He’ll have to stick around and put out the flames and fill out reports, etc…bingo bango, you’ve got your help!

Oh wait, your boss is a girl?? I dunno, put up some Twilight posters around the office. Women go nuts for those things right? And be careful. You’re dealing with some dangerous game there. A souped-up and malcontented jungle cat with a lust for blood and the intelligence to open locked doors: a female boss, which frankly is the best kind of boss to employ. Only they who have no balls can bust them without any hesitation whatsoever.

I know this from very, very personal experience.

“Dearest Terry,

I’m in quite the existential funk. I’ve drafted my notice for my boss here at this law firm I’m at. I want to move to the country and paint. I think I can do it, I’m just nervous about biting the bullet. Give me some confidence, Terry!

Serenity Now!,

Listless Lonny”

If you’re as good at painting as you are at NOT ending your sentences with prepositions, you might want to keep your day job.

And confidence? Uh…’Yeah! Do what you wanna do! Live your life! Huzzah!’ Whatever. You don’t need a cheerleader, you need an advice columnist. Which I happen to be.

So here’s some advice: If you’re going to quit anyway, go out with a bang. Paint your letter of notice on the building. Make sure it’s filled with expletives and maybe even some good ole fashioned racial epithets, just to get your point across and make your company look terrible for ever hiring you in the first place in the process. And while it’s usually a mistake to give the same advice twice in the same column, driving your car through an office never hurt anybody. Unless it did. And fatally so.


Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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