Terry Gaither Advice on Worker Motivation, Computers, and Bedroom Secrets

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I run a web-advertising firm, and my salesmen and women are really stinking up the joint! I know it’s the bad economy, but I’m struggling to find ways to motivate them. I’ve considered gift cards, trades, everything, but still nothing. Got any motivational tips?
Ten-Four!,
William Whichtower”

Motivation? What the F is motivation?

Clearly the fact that you’re having to beg your employees to do their jobs to the best of your abilities means that you run a very flacid ship, indeed. But if you’re going to nancy around this situation, and not grab these men and women by their collective scrotes, bending them to your will, you’re probably going to have to get subversive. Polish knives on your desk. Take up archery in the conference room. Take massive dumps wherever you please, and if anyone gives you a look, you tell them this is your office, your house, and when you own something, you can drop a deuce anywhere you please.

Like I said, subversive. Get in their heads.

Or you could go the old-fashioned route: Have you killed the weakest member of your team during an office meeting? Have you even tried to kill the weakest member of your team during an office meeting? Try killing the weakest member of your team during an office meeting.

I doubt you’ll use any of this advice, because you’re a chump asking me how to ‘motivate’ the people you likely overpay. I hope your business is one where you make thin boxes full of shattered glass, and that the building falls on you, sending the shards of glass everywhere in you. And I do mean everywhere.

“Dear Terry,
My name is Cal Stephens and I’m a computer programmer from- …”

NERD!!!

“Dear Terry,
So I’m in Las Vegas for a small business owner’s convention and…slept with a competitor. He seemed like a really nice guy, I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years, we got to talking about business, one thing lead to another…I’m worried I might’ve divulged too much of my business’ strategy and future plans while in his company. What do I do now?
Lucky In Las Vegas,
Pamela Grimes”

You do know I’m in a MAXIMUM SECURITY mental health facility and havent exercised my love muscle in over seven years, right? With the hippopotamus tranquilizers medicine they’ve got me on, I’m lucky to even notice when the nurse is changing my bed sheets. THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN (pun unintended, but left in the text for intended purposes [TERRY WINS!]).

As a wise man once said “Plowing someone you work with is nothing new, Terry.” But if there’s anything I learned after that guy said that to me, it’s that plowing someone you work against is nothing new. Frankly, I think the adage should be “Plowing is nothing new” but this is a business-focused article so STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME.

My advice would be to contract a venereal disease and give it to him. He’s already slayed you once, so it’s going to be more difficult to be attractive to him, but go into his office on a Thursday afternoon, when he’s trying to get everything wrapped up for the weekend for an easy Friday, and then hit him with your best shot. It will be very satisfying knowing that his marriage could very well unravel as a result of him giving his wife (I’m assuming he’s married, you seem like the homewrecking type) the clap, the drip, the herp, the roast, or the crabs. But don’t let me confine your creative imagination. Why not get as many STD’s as possible!

This is of course, assuming you don’t already have plenty, which I now realize is a broad assumption. If you (miraculously) don’t, swing by Pleasant Oaks Mental Health Facility, and bring some uppers and blood-thinner. I’ve got a whole batch of something here for ya.

(PS – I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written any of you back. Solitary confinement will do that to your work schedule, and quite frankly, I’ve had some solace knowing that many of the problems you’ve written me about have likely already ruined you before my advice could help you out. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Ha.)

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