Terry Gaither Advice on Letting Employees Go

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
Thinking about moving some of my resources off-shore. This would cut costs very well…but I’d have to let a couple of people here go. Not wanting to be a cold-hearted guy, but I’ve got a business to run. What’s my move?
Respectfully,
Edward Romaine”

Nobody wants to look like the dickhole in a given situation. I get that. But sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do, up to and including assuming dickhole status. There are three avenues you can take here in order to soften the inevitable blow to your employees or to avoid it completely, just like I didn’t this one time/the last time when I had some people working under me:

Change Your Business To Include Numerous Offshore and Onshore Resources: This could include any number of black market importing and exporting, from drugs and exotic animals to organs and more organs. Don’t worry about not getting to undercut your current employees. Just make them work graveyard shifts with a high probability of getting shot by other dealers or maybe even law enforcement officers! JOY!

Make Them Happy You’re Letting Them Go: This might be redundant, as you could already be doing these things, but make sure they see your possibly calloused business decision to fire them and put them out on the street as a welcome, misery-ending blessing. Start making them work 110 hours weekly. Turn the heat up in the summer. Blare nothing but death metal over the loudspeaker and make sure that not one photon of natural light enters that building. Do you have any available livestock for slaughter? Get some livestock and start slaughtering. Remember, the heat will be on so that smell will stay with those people for a while. Then, after those people are gone, you and the employees you kept can just laugh and laugh.

Fire Them: You could always just sack up and tell them to their faces that they and the company are going in two different directions and wish them the best. And if they get upset, just punch them in the teeth. That’d be the most professional, but least fun, way to handle it.

PS – I’m only doing one query today because last night my nurse had to hit me in the throat with his baton, so I’m a little hungover. Go screw yourself, readers.

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