Terry Gaither Advice on Bosses, Interviews and Religion

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I’ve always prided myself on my work ethic, but my boss is taking advantage! I’ve taken on way too many responsibilities as of late – and I’m worried that more are on the way! How do I stay afloat?
Loud Lorraine”

I totally get where you’re coming from, Lois. My boss was always, always, ALWAYS on my case about one thing or another. It’s unfortunate that we live in such a society where one person – in this case Dale Romisch, where it sounds like a stupid ‘k’ sound at the end even though there’s no ‘k’ in his stupid f-ing name – can tell you what to do at any given point for an entire THIRD of your day. “Terry, we really need that report yesterday.” “Gaither, get those pants back on, dammit!” “Gaither, if you don’t put that woman down and get back to your chair, you have had it here at [FIRM NAME OMITTED]…and where’s that report?!”

But as for your particular problem of having too much work (the fact that you were open to receiving such tasks makes me think you really want to be able to do all this stuff, but goshgolly, there aren’t enough hours in the day! which makes me hate you), I’d consider readjusting your values and doing so vocally. Next time, he – or she? no wait it’s your boss- next time he gives you an assignment, stare at the point where the wall meets the ceiling, try and make your face the size of a dime by clinching and then scream at the top of your lungs, “AGAIN, [insert first name of his direct subordinate]?!” This will cause confusion, doubt, mistrust among his inner circle and most of all, provide you with a distraction to keep from doing that assignment and the last four or five assignments he gave you.

You’re not welcome. You will squander this precious gift because you care too much.

“Dear Mr. Gaither,
I’ve recently relocated, have a stellar resume, but can’t find a way to get an interview. I just need a few minutes with the boss, and I’m sure I’d be in. How do I get on someone’s schedule?
Helpless Hal”

Ugh. These people. With their “stellar resumes” and their “can-do attitude.” Makes me want to take a dump in my pocket, forget about it, come back and find it later on my hand. Because that’s how upset I am.

Stalking is underrated these days. People are too afraid to climb a tree and too enticed to just go online to find whatever it is they want to look at obsessively. Follow these people you want to land interviews with, blend into their background, mimic their movements, study their habits, so that you’ll know where they’ll be and when they’ll need assisstance, and might be able to slide in the backdoor for an interview. If you don’t get the job, then you’ll also know when they’re vulnerable. Win and win.

The death of a close friend has forced me to look hard at my religion. My entire business enterprise is faith-based, so I am in a serious jam. What should I do?
John Mark Luken

Wow. That’s pretty deep, man. Who can know the complexities of a God, or any other name one would give a Supreme Spiritual being?  Socratic ignorance may be blissful in this instance; you may not be able to prove God’s existance, but you certainly can’t disprove Him either. Maybe you can get your religious footing back, and find comfort in that…

…because crazy faith-based businesses are AWESOME. No tangible product to push necessary! All you have to do is drill into people’s subconcious insecurities! That’s all! Do you know how many people are insecure in the world? DRILL, BABY! DRILL!!! Don’t ever let this golden goose go! I can’t stress this enough! And when you DO screw up in your personal life and ruin what for many people is actually a sacred and cherished facet of their existence, you grind that goose up to make some Goose Grease to lube up another similar business in a hitherto unscathed market! IT’S SO EASY! The world is yours! I want a cut.

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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