So I’m in the grocery store, and has this happened to anyone else? Sweet mercy, is it annoying or what?! It’s like EVERY time I go to the grocery store I grab the ONE motorized cart with the squeaky wheel! I mean, I’m trying to get my groceries here, I’m not looking for a workContinue reading “Why Is It EVERY Time I Go To The Grocery Store I Grab The ONE Motorized Cart With the Squeaky Wheel?”
Category Archives: Lethal Prose
How To Avoid Looking Like A Fool At Your Or Someone Else’s Wedding
I was in a wedding this summer. I’m going to be in a wedding this weekend, and another next spring, and I guarantee you I’ll go to about 30 in between now and then. Every weekend, there’s some couple getting hitched. It’s always a good time, but DAMN YO. There’s traveling, there’s gift giving, there’sContinue reading “How To Avoid Looking Like A Fool At Your Or Someone Else’s Wedding”
The LORD Your God Unscathed By Bills’ WR Johnson’s Lamentations
FT. LAUDERDALE, Fla. – The LORD Your God, Sovereign King of the Infinite and Infinitesimal Universe, says that he is relatively unscathed by Bills WR Stevie Johnson’s Twitter blast at his holiness, blaming Him for his dropped catch that would have won the game for the Bills vs. the Steelers yesterday. “I heard about it,”Continue reading “The LORD Your God Unscathed By Bills’ WR Johnson’s Lamentations”
In Wake Of Recent “Cutting” Fad, Nerd With Perpetual Nosebleed Elected Homecoming King
CLEVELAND, OH – In the wake of a recent fad of self-mutilation, known in many circles as “cutting,” 5′ 4″, 91 lbs. senior Ernest Rittelmeyer has been deemed cool enough to be elected as Homecoming King for Benjamin Harrison High School in Cleveland as a direct result of his chronic nosebleeds. Rittelmeyer’s social status began toContinue reading “In Wake Of Recent “Cutting” Fad, Nerd With Perpetual Nosebleed Elected Homecoming King”
I Am Most Disappointed At The Polite Construction Workers Outside My Apartment
I’m from rural Arkansas. It was a five-minute drive to the nearest gas station. I live in St. Louis now, which is a bigger city, but I don’t work downtown or anything like that. I’d love to work down there or live in a bigger city like New York, but haven’t had such opportunities. OneContinue reading “I Am Most Disappointed At The Polite Construction Workers Outside My Apartment”
How To Deal With Office Questionable Hypotheticals
One of the worst facets to come out of the Cubicle Culture that has been manufactured for us over the past century or so – especially with the advent of the World Wide Information Superhighway – is definitely the Questionable Hypotheticals. What’s a Questionable Hypothetical?, you ask annoyingly, crinkling your nose the way you doContinue reading “How To Deal With Office Questionable Hypotheticals”
Kevin Garnett Will Show You Dullards The Fine Art of Debating
Ladies and Gentlemen, Much has been made about this verbal confrontation between myself, Kevin Garnett, and Charles Villanueva, currently playing for the National Basketball Association’s Detroit Pitons. This much-ballyhooed misunderstanding has been reported on various social networking websites, as well as venerable sports reporting television and radio stations, such as ESPN, FOX Sports Network, andContinue reading “Kevin Garnett Will Show You Dullards The Fine Art of Debating”
Obama Goes Ahead And Unveils Malevolent, Totalitarian Dictatorship
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Citing an inevitable shift of power from Democrats to Republicans over yesterday’s elections and an overwhelming public mandate, President Barack Obama is unveiling his plans for a malevolent and totalitarian dictatorship, effective December 1, 2010. “You know, you hear these grumblings from the right about me being a socialist, and a dictator,Continue reading “Obama Goes Ahead And Unveils Malevolent, Totalitarian Dictatorship”
How To Convince Others You Voted When You Didn’t Actually Vote
For some reason, voting has become something akin to texting Haiti or recycling: Something you’ve got to do, otherwise you’re a social pariah, fit to be stabbed in the face by even the nicest of grandmothers. Who do you think you are, anyway? Not voting? What a douche bag you ar-…I’m getting off track. Of course,Continue reading “How To Convince Others You Voted When You Didn’t Actually Vote”
Is It Bad The Only Constant Reminder of Breast Cancer Awareness Month Was Grocery Bags To Pick Up My Dog’s Poop?
So we’re already into November, and I grow a terrible beard. I’ll probably shave even though it’s not the cool thing to do. This was the thought I had when I was taking my dog out for the morning business. You know you’re in the briskness of full-on Autumn when you get a smokestack outContinue reading “Is It Bad The Only Constant Reminder of Breast Cancer Awareness Month Was Grocery Bags To Pick Up My Dog’s Poop?”
ZACK STOVALL 