Having a little trouble in paradise, men? Is your significant other grinding your gears, gentlemen? Going round and round, bout after bout, day in and day out with the same problems every couple faces…and even some that most don’t, fellas? Is a ten-inch butcher knife involved, sir?
Unfortunately, guys, this happens to almost everyone at least once, even in the brightest and non-psychotic of relationships. Fortunately, with this familiarity, comes certain patterns that can be recorded and used for later benefit. Especially when there’s a ten-inch butcher knife being thrown into the equation.
But fret not! These conflicts, skirmishes, and arguments, however, can still be won! Here are some helpful, time-honored techniques that insure you can best your argumentative opponent while minimizing the chance of being stabbed by the trembling blade that is being wielded near your person:
1.) Try to see where the argument got its start. Did you see the point at which your girlfriend became upset? What happened immediately prior to that point? Were you washing your knives right before then? By looking at where the argument started, you can see WHY is started more clearly.
2.) Don’t take your eyes off the knife.
3.) How did YOU feel right before an argument ensued? Sometimes, conflicts can arise not because of WHAT was said, but HOW it was said. Perhaps your nonchalance was taken to be flippancy. Perhaps your casual indifference was interpreted as weakness fit to be slaughtered and gutted. Remember: it’s not always WHAT, but HOW.
4.) Is there a communication problem? Be sure to let her know your honest opinions about things that affect you both. Open the lines of communication so that she can see exactly where you’re coming from, while also opening the lines of communication at a volume level audible from up to 20 yards away.
5.) Parry, parry, thrust, turn, parry.
6.) Take a step away from some arguments for some breathing space. A couple of minutes to cool off in your own respective corners can do a world of good. Letting off steam is highly encouraged in successful debating, especially if it’s done near local, state, or federal authorities.
7.) A simple reminder of how valuable you are to the other person has been known to calm down a heated exchange. Remind your partner of how important you are to her, and how precious all of the numerous fragile objects she owns – vases, commemorative plates, framed posters – that are pretty close to you.
Also, remind her of how hard you can throw some of those handheld objects. Shots across the bow are discouraged, depending of course, on how much ground your girlfriend can cover in an instant.
8.) Remember all of the reasons you love your-…WHY DID YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE KNIFE?! DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE KNIFE.
9.) Try and maintain a distance that is both intimate and close, but far enough away that your girlfriend can see all of you. If you give her numerous targets on your body, she can become distracted, perhaps opening an opportunity to go in for a nice, reconciliatory hug/disarm her.
10.) Let her figure out why SHE’S in the wrong. Avoid words like “Don’t you see” and “I told you so” while encouraging her to find her own avenues to your correct point of view. She’ll get there eventually, and you’ll BOTH win. Also, avoid words like “crazy,” “psycho,” “nut,” and “maneatingsnaggletoothedcrosseyedvicioussouldestroyer.” Those are argument/life enders.
11.) Purchase a gun.
By following these steps, you can be assured that you won’t just have a say in the matter, but can still win the argument altogether with little to no bloodshed! Those considering following these steps should consult with your physician to ensure you’re not a hypophiliac who would bleed to death from any minor scrape or knife wound. And remember DON’T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE KNIFE, EVEN AFTER THE ARGUMENT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T REMOVE YOUR EYES FROM THAT BLADE YOU WILL BE DEAD, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, GET SOME HELP.