OMIGAH I can’t believe it’s finally happening for me. FINALLY a movie that I can wait in line for days by camping out in a tent I don’t know how to construct. FINALLY we have a Best Picture contender that isn’t about stupid dreams or Facebook (even though Facebook is totally awesome [NEVER give up on your dreams]). FINALLY I CAN HAVE PEACE IN MY LIFE.

PEACE IS RIGHT, MR. BIEBER. I can’t believe that this hasn’t happened sooner. I mean this is the CLASSIC Canadian-rags-to-American-riches story that the world is going to eat up. Remember how good “This Is It,” Michael Jackson’s docufilm was? Awesome, right? THIS WILL BE WAY BETTER BECAUSE BIEBER WILL BE ALIVE TO ENJOY WITH ME US.

The swoop. The smile. The moves. THE SHOES. He’s got it all and isn’t going anywhere for a good-long-while. I’d say “knock on wood” but this is ironclad. I’m not sure what could kill the Bieb. Seriously. I have this sneaking suspicion that if he were ever to need medical attention (PSH. NOT LIKELY) by way of intravenous needle, the metal would bend away from his soulful flesh like that part in Superman Returns. Am I saying that JB can deflect bullets? Yes. But, I’m also saying that with one “Oh-oo-whoa-oo-oh-oo-oh”…HE WON’T HAVE TO. Like The Matrix. Not that he’ll ever have to worry about that. I’d gladly jump in front of any number of guns, knives, throwing stars, or flammable underwear to protect Mr. Bieber. He’s the best around and nothing’s going to ever keep him down. I love him.

Whoa. Sorry man. Didn’t mean to get too close. Just kidding about that “love” business. I enjoy your music a respectable amount. We cool?

Awesome. Glad we worked that out. I don’t know what I’d do if…I mean. Great. Glad that’s settled.

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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