Welcome to Arizona!

Hello neighbors! Welcome to Arizona – the Grand Canyon State!

We here at the Department of Tourism and Culture would like to welcome some of you with open arms to our fine state! You may have heard some hubbub about our legislature and its recent bill regarding illegal immigration. However, we at the ADTC want you to know this does not reflect a problem with the state and its dealings with illegal immigration or illegal immigrants. We just cherish our heritage here in Arizona. In fact, Arizona is about as fine a place to enjoy oneself as you could ever hope for.

Enjoy Arizona’s natural august majesty! Arizona is best known for its arid, desert landscape, which is rich in xerophyte plants such as the cactus. That’s right! Xerophyte! And if you like holes in the ground, well, we’re the place for you! We’ve got two of the biggest: one is the mighty Grand Canyon, attracting roughly 5 million visitors every year and some people say looks like a snake, while the other is the Barringer Meteorite Crater, which is roughly a mile wide and 570 feet deep! Rest assured neither of these holes were excavated by unregistered or unlawful immigrant workers.

Enjoy Arizona’s unique southwestern cuisine, that in no way is influenced by non-American culture! We have a wide assortment of authentic Arizonan breakfast cereals, sandwiches, corn chips, and hot dogs* to compliment our diverse community of citizens and government-entrusted Navajo tribesmen and women. Can you say “delicious”? If you said delicioso, kindly leave.

Sports? We’ve got loads of ’em! The Arizona Diamondbacks are one of the MLB’s best and brightest, winning the 2001 WORLD SERIES on a game-winning hit by Luis Gonzalez behind legendary Red Sox pitcher Kurt Schilling. And just to show we’re in fact tolerant of other countries, one of our state’s greatest athletic treasures – former Cardinals QB Kurt Warner – played in Amsterdam for NFL Europe for one season. Bonjour!

The Arizona Cardinals are a professional football team, and are not to be mistaken for futbol, which has and will have no intention to gain professional affiliation in the Grand Canyon state.

So don’t worry about any of nettlesome banter from national media types who haven’t had the decency to step into the sandy borders of Arizona. Just make certain you have appropriate attire, and don’t do anything that’s reasonable suspicious, and if you can’t afford to do either, have proper identification visible at all times, preferably chained visably and unobstructed around your neck. Like Flava Flav! And he’s the coolest!

Thank you and enjoy your brief, paranoid time visit in Arizona!

* – It should be stated that while Tucson is famous for our hot dogs, many styles are indeed native to Sonora, Mexico.

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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