So it’s Cinco de Mayo again. Every year, it seems to be on a Wednesday, and throngs of people ditch work a little early to head to the one or two authentic Mexican restaurants in the city, and wait around shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of other white people in loosened neckties for overpriced margaritas and Dos Equis.
Does this sound sooooo played to anyone else?
It’s not a slight to the Latino culture. It’s not even a slight to the let’s get so drunk we can’t feel our extremities or bladders on a weekday culture that we cherish here in America. I know, it’s awesome. But people get drunk every Wednesday. That’s no way to honor whatever it is that I don’t feel like looking up/remembering that the Mexicans did a few hundred (?) years ago in Mexico. I think they defeated the British, too, but getting as hammered as usual and wearing a grande sombrero isn’t going to make a big difference.
I was just thinking of some other activities that would be more memorable on Cinco de Mayo. That way when someone asks you Why does Mexico celebrate Cinco de Mayo? you can say “I dunno, but this one Cinco de Mayo, me and my friend…” blah blah blah. After very uncareful careful consideracion, here are some activities you can do to spice up your Cinco de Mayo celebracion. Por favor:
- Go to the nearest available hardware store and turn on all of the chainsaws, tablesaws, or any other motor attached to a saw.
- Tequila is over-utilized, but tis the seasoned. Instead of actual tequila though, just get a big bag of tequila flavored Meth. One part tequila, eight parts meth, one part worm.
- Elderly people are often intolerant of Mexican people. Punch a couple of them. If it’s an elderly person from Arizona, punch them in the groin and stand over them laughing for a while.
- Play some Four Square, like in grade school. Despite the popularity of soccer, or futbol, Four Square is the official sport of Mexico. Popcorn and Cherry Bombs don’t count, and if it’s on the line, it’s in.
- Instead of shaking someone’s hand or saying “Hola!” loudly, french kiss everyone you see as a sincere salutation. Those Mexicans…they are romantic.
- Don’t use the tired ole phrase Mexicant. I heard a bunch of morning show DJs using this phrase this morning. Don’t be as douche nozzley as morning show DJs. This goes year round. I’m serious.
- Attempt to juggle anything not nailed down.
- Eat bananas whole. Peel, stem, everything. Limit your chewing.
- Talk really loudly about Tiger Woods’ sex scandal. Because this hasn’t been discussed enough in Mexican culture, or any culture for that matter.
- Purchase a pinata, but treat it like a pet rather than a toy. Bring doggy bags and other sundry pet accoutrements.
- High five everyone.
And remember: After every task scream “FELIZ CINCO DE MAYO!” at the top of your lungs. And preferably with an angry tone.
Feliz. Cinco. De. Mayo.