For Once I’d Like To Go To A Cardinals Game Where Someone Doesn’t Get Tasered

BRO! NOT AWESOMES!

This kid crashed the Cards at Phillies game last night in the eighth inning immediately before crashing into the ground violently. It’s MLB policy to not encourage other insanely-brilliant-cargo-short-wearing brolumni from doing the same thing by showing them on TV, but cuts to the Cardinals dug out showed everyone grinning from ear to ear and laughing very hard. I thought Joe Mather was going to poop out his ears he was laughing so hard. Ryan Howard had to cover his face on the field from laughing.

But the MLB can’t hold down the viral audience in attendance. 17-year-old Steve Consalvi has his fifteen minutes, will totally get to be Prom King, and if enough people remember it next year, he’ll totally be macking honeys with the rest of the Phi Delts at Penn State.  

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My Uncle Dale Really Used To Be Something Back In The Day

Anytime I’ve struggled to succeed or to find my way in the world, I’ve always looked to people in my own family for support and guidance, one member in particular. From what I’ve gathered through various stories, tales, legends, and yellowed headlines, my Uncle Dale really used to be something back in the day.

Not so much now, of course. But back in the day? Hooboy!

His mental capacities were not unlike a Ferrari engine being put in a tiny bumper car. I’ve heard he mastered his multiplication tables at age four. He was able to read Prouse and Chaucer and used his advanced intellect to woo and attract women who were far older than he. We’re talking women, here. Mid-thirties. With kids. By age eight he had a steady girlfriend and was a constant source of inspiration and financial dependence for her and her three young children, all of whom, by the way, still call him Dad to this day, even though they’re technically one to five years older than him.

He wishes he got to see them more but his duties as a urinal engineer at Denny’s have him tied up most nights, weekends, and weekdays. Have no doubt; he’s the best in the biz. Continue reading “My Uncle Dale Really Used To Be Something Back In The Day”