Anytime I’ve struggled to succeed or to find my way in the world, I’ve always looked to people in my own family for support and guidance, one member in particular. From what I’ve gathered through various stories, tales, legends, and yellowed headlines, my Uncle Dale really used to be something back in the day.
Not so much now, of course. But back in the day? Hooboy!
His mental capacities were not unlike a Ferrari engine being put in a tiny bumper car. I’ve heard he mastered his multiplication tables at age four. He was able to read Prouse and Chaucer and used his advanced intellect to woo and attract women who were far older than he. We’re talking women, here. Mid-thirties. With kids. By age eight he had a steady girlfriend and was a constant source of inspiration and financial dependence for her and her three young children, all of whom, by the way, still call him Dad to this day, even though they’re technically one to five years older than him.
He wishes he got to see them more but his duties as a urinal engineer at Denny’s have him tied up most nights, weekends, and weekdays. Have no doubt; he’s the best in the biz.
His mental capacities were jaw-dropping, but what really made him a freakshow were his fantastic athletic skills. He was a vaunted athlete who killed a man in every sport he lettered in (football, baseball, basketball and cheerleading), which is a state record. In fact, Uncle Dale has held, holds or is going to hold numerous other vaunted records in the annals of Packerd High School. They actually changed the name from the Packerd High Bobcats to the Packerd High Dales in 1973, the year before he attended. Another little known fact was that he was, at one time, the president of every student organization on campus, and, a slightly better known fact, had Packerd High record-shattering amount of sex with everyone in every club, even his siblings. It’s no secret around the family dinner table: Uncle Dale was somewhat of a tomcat in high school, and still is.
By “still is” I mean he still has regular relations with people in high school. That’s what I meant by that last part.
He was commended by the city for raising the most money in the least amount of time for the Children Against Cancer Fund, although that commendation was quickly retracted once it was discovered such an organization never existed and he was putting the money toward a second and third wife from China. “Everything comes from over there these days,” as Uncle Dale always used to say.
You may remember reading in the papers that he once heroically rushed into a burning building to save an elderly woman. Unfortunately, medical authorities say actually she actually died due to a punctured lung from him squeezing her right before he launched her out a window to safety. The fire department didn’t catch her. They never caught that fire either, as it left the building without a trace.
His kids know darn well to eat their vegetables around him, if he ever does sit and have a meal with them. What with that previous record of nailing every student in a club at Packerd High, he’s got roughly nine dozen children that are still alive today. And two of them have kids!
Uncle Dale’s done so much with his life, he tends to cast a pretty large shadow. I just can’t believe we haven’t seen him in a while. Probably because we never go to Denny’s, mainly because, you know, he works there regularly. And because Denny’s is disgusting.