John Wall ‘Extremely Disappointed’ Probable Selection By Washington Will Not Make Him Actual Wizard

RALEIGH, N.C. – NCAA Player of the Year John Wall said his initial cheer at the possibility of playing for the NBA in Washington was slightly less-enthusiastic after word that he would not actually gain the powers and abilities of a wizard if drafted by the team.

The Wizards, who won last night’s NBA Draft Lottery despite their low odds, are expected to select the prospect Wall based off his stellar freshman year at Kentucky. Wall, who stated he believed the New Jersey Nets would win, was elated at the news, but now only less so.

“I was so amped, man,” said Wall. “I felt like that sorting hat was on my head, and it put me in Washington House. First thing I did was buy an friggin owl. Where am I supposed to put that stupid bird now?”

Wall said he was happy to have been so well-versed in Lord of the Rings terminology, and thanked his mother for showing him Fantasia as a child, but disappointed he wouldn’t be able to manipulate matter with a wand, fly straddled on a broom, or battle any sort of dragons.

“I was ready to stab me a dragon. But sometimes that’s how the chips fall,” said Wall. “And I’m still going to grow a big ass gray beard.”

At time of press, no further word on Spanish-prospect Ricky Rubio’s coincidental transformation into a werewolf.

(As originally published on The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, your source for sports and culture analysis from the Natural himself.)


Clausen: “I’m Ready To Get Started Letting People Down Right Now”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Former Notre Dame quarterback and projected-first-round draft selection Jimmy Clausen told reporters Thursday that, no matter who drafts him, he’s ready to start letting down that team’s fan base immediately.

“I don’t have any illusions,” said Clausen, prepping for tonight’s primetime NFL Draft, “But I’m ready to go out there and throw ducks, get sacked, fall down unmolested and do everything in my power to shatter the hopes and dreams of every fan of whichever team is lucky enough to grab me.”

Clausen, who scouts say has a near-perfect throwing motion and all of the physical tools of a franchise QB, said he’s eager to get to work diminishing every accolade he and his name ever earned.

My brothers have been just great in teaching me how to raise everyone to the same level of outlandish anticipation, and then pull the collective rug out from under their hooves with my pedestrian play,” said the youngest Clausen. “Hell, if I need to, I’ll throw in some off the field issues, too.

“I’ll put myself in that position and be that caliber of player for my team.”

Clausen then excused himself to clumsily fumble down the nearest flight of stairs and writhe in pain before giving a thumbs up.

(As originally published on The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, your source for sports and culture analysis from the Natural himself.)

Disappointment That The Actual Year 2015 Will Probably Look Nothing Like Year 2015 From ‘Back to the Future II’

So it’s 2010 now. We’ve limped into this decade and the first two notable things to happen were a devestating earthquake hitting already-devastated Haiti and Ke$ha. But that’s the third strike for me.

I’ve never been much of a whimsical guy, prone to flights of fantasy or grandeur or anything overtly complicated like that. Most of my shirts are a singular, drab color and rarely adorned with things like stripes or flashy designs (unless we’re talking plaid, which is a new dimension of boring Caucasianivity which I happily embellish [seriously, I’m your dad]).

But nothing too high-falutin’, for me, thanks. I have plenty of friends in the corporate arena who, despite their numerous successes and triumphs, would want nothing more than to liquidate all of their assets into fishing worms and enough lumber to build their own cabin and retreat there until the apocalypse. I am sympathetic to their plight, but attract far too many mosquitoes for such an excursion.   

Despite my lack of  imagination, the mind – however vacant – does wander from time to time.

Technology is what it always has been: the manifestations of someone’s imaginative, innovative, and dedicated mental faculties, faculties that waved bye-bye to me many moons ago. Continue reading “Disappointment That The Actual Year 2015 Will Probably Look Nothing Like Year 2015 From ‘Back to the Future II’”