John Wall ‘Extremely Disappointed’ Probable Selection By Washington Will Not Make Him Actual Wizard

RALEIGH, N.C. – NCAA Player of the Year John Wall said his initial cheer at the possibility of playing for the NBA in Washington was slightly less-enthusiastic after word that he would not actually gain the powers and abilities of a wizard if drafted by the team.

The Wizards, who won last night’s NBA Draft Lottery despite their low odds, are expected to select the prospect Wall based off his stellar freshman year at Kentucky. Wall, who stated he believed the New Jersey Nets would win, was elated at the news, but now only less so.

“I was so amped, man,” said Wall. “I felt like that sorting hat was on my head, and it put me in Washington House. First thing I did was buy an friggin owl. Where am I supposed to put that stupid bird now?”

Wall said he was happy to have been so well-versed in Lord of the Rings terminology, and thanked his mother for showing him Fantasia as a child, but disappointed he wouldn’t be able to manipulate matter with a wand, fly straddled on a broom, or battle any sort of dragons.

“I was ready to stab me a dragon. But sometimes that’s how the chips fall,” said Wall. “And I’m still going to grow a big ass gray beard.”

At time of press, no further word on Spanish-prospect Ricky Rubio’s coincidental transformation into a werewolf.

(As originally published on The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, your source for sports and culture analysis from the Natural himself.)

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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