Kevin Garnett Will Show You Dullards The Fine Art of Debating

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Much has been made about this verbal confrontation between myself, Kevin Garnett, and Charles Villanueva, currently playing for the National Basketball Association’s Detroit Pitons. This much-ballyhooed misunderstanding has been reported on various social networking websites, as well as venerable sports reporting television and radio stations, such as ESPN, FOX Sports Network, and Versus.

First and foremost, let me express my sincere regret that such a kerfuffle occurred at all. Mine is a game of passion, and desire, and determination, and as such, opposing sides can become consternated with one another, each going toward the same noble end of victory. Whether the victor or the vanquished, neither should be one to spoil.

Now to the matter at hand: That I, a veteran of our beloved association, receiving a bevy of personal and team accolades during this vaunted career, would stoop so low as to call a glabrescent Charles Villanueva a “cancer patient,” in fact or in jest, to chide him as a competitor.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is below even my most base faculties.

Malignant carcinogens are currently wreaking havoc across our fair lands, invading the fertile, beautiful plains of our Families and Friends not unlike unwelcome chariots of war. Each and every man, woman, and child can put a name, a face, and a memory to a victim of this dreaded affliction. Billions of dollars, countless man-hours, and an infinite amount of efforts and tears have been spent in the fight to halt their advances, so that we may all see brighter days. Let us take a moment of silence for those who have fallen…

/wipes tear from eye with fancy handkerchief in front coat pocket
//refolds it perfectly, puts back in front coat pocket

Now, to the points of clarification between the actual heated discourse of myself and Mr. Villanueva. I have voiced my clear aversion to using carcinogens as a form of ridicule, even for those who suffer from diseases rendering them tonsured, also common among those being treated for the vile disease. Not only is such banter offensive, but it is vulgar and beneath my well-tried facilties.

I prefer metaphors.

To say Mr. Villanueva is cancerous? Why, a more apt comparison could not be found! Find me a man who is as debilitating to his team’s efforts than Mr. Villanueva! Find me a man who represents our beloved association as heinously and brazenly as Mr. Villanueva! Find me someone who is so deplorable, so abhorrent, so loathsome as he, one who makes the quality of those around him, those against him, and those in rank with him in our league so diminished that it can only be said he is a malignancy SUCH AS, to use a simple simile rather than an illustrative metaphor, a cancer. I implore you to find someone as abominable as Mr. Villanueva. I submit that you will not.

I do wish Charles Villanueva all of the best. He is, after all, a brother in arms. This fraternal bond we share from the Association is one not broken by mere verbal slings and arrows. But when I see a fellow associate enfeebling and enervating our high courts to such a low base? I shall call him out, and not a moment too soon, no matter what his depilous aesthetic may be.

I yield my time.

(As originally published on The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, your source for sports and culture analysis from the Natural himself.)

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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