Steve and a Law Enforcement Officer Reach An Impass About the Proper Conveyance To and From an Oyster Shack

Being from Arkansas, I am prone to the misguided attacks of wonton, unmerited accusations of a redneck ancestry that couldn’t be further from my proverbial roots.

But yeah, this probably happened in Arkansas. Maybe not this episode specifically, but a man has definitely been taken down due to wackiness involving (homemade) alcohol and a (homemade) lawn mower.

But let’s go ahead and break this down:

  • 0:04 – Today, everything is normal.
  • 0:12 – Today, everything is not normal.
  • 0:53 – Point of recognition. Steve has been found by his good buddy on the force, dagnabit. Of all the people!
  • 0:57 – “How many times must I tell you…” This sentence is usually followed by some minor annoyance: put the toilet seat down; pick up your dishes; pay the rent on time. Never has “drivin’ down the road – drainkin’ – on the* lawnmower” been the follow-up. Well, apparently, it has been before, but Steve necessitated it yet again!*One can only infer this is the village’s only lawnmower, as implied by the article adjective “the.”
  • 1:07 – He’s just going down to the oyster shack, man! COME AWN.
  • 1:12 – Put your cigarette out? Because THAT’S the most egregious thing he’s going right now. Smoking kills.
  • 1:23 – God dang it, man, indeed.
  • 1:30 – The officer then goes too far, asking Steve to pour newly purchased spirits out. Surely, this man can’t be serious.
  • 1:32 – This man is serious.
  • 1:47 – Now, an unfamiliar spark in Steve’s head: an idea! What’s he doing wrong, really? He, of course, is the village attorney and understands his rights fully.
  • 1:52 – He’s not going to jail today. The newfound spring of enthusiasm derived from this foreign brain sensation has bestowed Steve with all of the moxy in the world. Enough to get on the lawnmower, and attempt to just, ya know, leave.
  • 1:59 – “You’re fixin’ to get lit up, Steve.” Too late.
  • 2:02 – “Steve! You’re fixin’ to get tased!” Oh, THAT kind of lit up. Steve now wishes he had waited to hear this before turning on his deafening means of conveyance.
  • 2:09 – Gravity and electricity – concepts that waved bye-bye to Steve many moons ago – combine to make Steve scream like a girl.
  • 2:16 – Mounts an offensive against the Lord God for the worst seven seconds ever.
  • 2:30 – “Don’t do that again.” It’d be hard to say ‘Well, you don’t ride your lawnmower around drunk any more’ as a comeback, but it’d be pretty futile. You know he’ll just do it again.
  • 2:35 – Appeals to the son of God, this time in a much more reverent demeanor than the tone prior to the defecation.
  • 2:40 – I didn’t do it? If this video went longer than three minutes, we might be hearing Steve confessing to other sundry misdemeanors, some of which could involve humorous tattoos, gun play, or more booze.
  • 2:50 – The ghost of Attorney Eric Cartman inhabits the man before he is subdued once again.

(h/t to the imitable Justin Sealand)

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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