Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.
“Dear Terry,
I’ve got a boss who puts me down all of the time in order to make an example of me. I’m pulling in more money than any of the other sales reps in our firm, but every miscue I make gets blown up like it’s a big deal. Got any tips to get out of the spotlight?
Brightly,
Bernard Hartson”
BERNY! I can totally relate to what you are talking about. My boss was ALWAYS crawling right up my butthole and making my life miserable. ‘TERRY! Show up on time!’ ‘TERRY! Shirts are for work!’ ‘TERRY! No!!! NOOOOOo!!!’ I mean, right? WHAT A BUZZKILL. Just let me do my job on my terms and I bet I’d get it done without having to piss on the fax machine and throw it through your office glass, AMIRIGHT?
Well, Benny, best I can say is to make your time in that spotlight as miserable as possible for everyone else, your boss included. You’d be surprised at just how haunting the groaning and continual sobs of a man driven to tears by another man. Next time your boss gives you lip, just break down. Tears, sweat, snot. Moan the moans of a man whose wife and kids are walking out the door to live with your gardener. DON’T FORGET THE SNOT. Make violent tremors happen in our body and explode if anyone touches you. Just start shaking so badly you fall out of your chair and just flop on the ground like a fish.
And if there’s anything I know from living here in this ward, it’s the chilling nature of grown men’s tears.
“Terry,
Got some part-time contractors who are really beating around the bush, giving me the talk, but not putting in the hustle. They’re paid hourly, and are booking their hours, but I’m not seeing any product. How do I muster some juice out of some these bad apples?
Gruffly,
Sam Mermayde”
Alright. You’re four steps ahead of me. Demean their personal worth to the point they are useless objects, such as fruit? CHECK. Overexpect and undermanage? GOT IT. Offer nothing of yourself, think only of yourself, and look down on everyone you’ve hired to do something that only you will get credit for? BINGO. BANGO. BONGO. Outside of physical abuse, you’ve really taken a page out of my book. You can go no further. Just keep shouting and shouting at them. They’ll either come around or you’ll be murdered in a vicious back alley, leaving no mourners. I LIKE YOUR ODDS.
“Dear Terry,
What do you think about Kanye and George W. Bush burying the hatchet?
Thanks,
I Don’t Know Who You Are”
We don’t really get news here in the ward, so I’m hoping that what you mean by “burying the hatchet” is some sort of Native American battle to the death, in which one or the other or both of them having buried a hatchet in one another. What’s a Kanye? What’s a George W. Bush? Are they physically fit? Do they have a taste for blood and pain? SAY YES.
ZACK STOVALL 