Author Archives: Zack Stovall

That’s Not The Pre-Agreed Upon Abbreviation For ‘Refinance,’ Carrollton Bank, SILLY!

Can’t Say My Entire Perception of Male Cat Owners Isn’t Shattered By The Godfather Owning A Cat

When I moved into the apartment I’m in now, I had the understanding that a single man had occupied it previously. It had been uninhabited for some time, so while dusting behind the stove, under the dishwasher, etc., I was very disturbed to find what can only be described as a grown-man’s-dumpsworth of uneaten catContinue reading “Can’t Say My Entire Perception of Male Cat Owners Isn’t Shattered By The Godfather Owning A Cat”

Quick, I Need Injury Stories To Tell People Instead of Telling Them I Pulled A Muscle Sneezing Too Hard

EMERGENCY FREAK OUT TIME, HOMIES. I pulled or tweaked or otherwise injured a muscle in my back, like right in the middle on the left side of my back. This has made even the most menial leanings-over to get off the couch or bending over to pick up a slice of cheese that fell onContinue reading “Quick, I Need Injury Stories To Tell People Instead of Telling Them I Pulled A Muscle Sneezing Too Hard”

Weighing The Pros and Cons of Seeing ‘The Green Hornet’ Based On Thirty Second Ads

When you’re on a budget and eat as much expensive cereal as I do, you’ve gotta pick and choose which movies you’re going to pony up the dough to see in the theaters and which you’re going to wait until you can nab a DVD or can wait for three days to see from Netflix.Continue reading “Weighing The Pros and Cons of Seeing ‘The Green Hornet’ Based On Thirty Second Ads”

What To Do This Weekend: Gotta Gotta Get Up To Get Down

I don’t know what it is about me, but every Thursday evening to Friday afternoon, I get asked “What’s going on this weekend?”, even by people who live NOWHERE NEAR ME. Maybe it’s my sterling track record of competitive dance-offs. Maybe it’s my sharp dressing (Air Force Ones ONLY…and suspenders sometimes). Maybe it’s because whenContinue reading “What To Do This Weekend: Gotta Gotta Get Up To Get Down”

“EVERYBODY KNOWS I’M A MOTHERF*CKING MONSTER MUPPET” – Kanye West

I’ve already remonstrated how much I love Muppets. And I’ve already gone over how much I love it when Muppets rap. This is really well done. I can’t get enough of it. Go hard or go home. (via DonG lover)

MASTERFUL STROKE OF ARTISTIC GENIUS, LIFETIME ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT. SIMPLY MASTERFUL.

You can’t imagine how happy I was when I was going through my daily cat owner foibles message boards and saw this advertisement in the sidebar. “The Craigslist Killer” FINALLY coming to a Lifetime television station near you. I’m certain that with the quick, ripped-from-the-headlines turnaround of Lifetime’s crack squad of writers and healthy stableContinue reading “MASTERFUL STROKE OF ARTISTIC GENIUS, LIFETIME ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT. SIMPLY MASTERFUL.”

Zack’s Hate Mail From The Person Who Used To Live In His Apartment’s Stalker

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers: Dear Zack, Sorry to introduce myself to you like this, but I couldn’t bottle up my anger at you anymore. I’ve been stalking you since youContinue reading “Zack’s Hate Mail From The Person Who Used To Live In His Apartment’s Stalker”

Three People I Really Want To Punch in the Wiener Right Now

Everybody needs somebody sometimes. And sometimes, that somebody needs a good punch to wiener. Just a solid shot. It’s the worst pain you can feel as a man, and there are three people who are the most deserving to me after a Christmas weekend full of doing almost nothing but watch TV. And it wasContinue reading “Three People I Really Want To Punch in the Wiener Right Now”