Former Mrs. Jim Joyce: “Well That Just Figures”

TOLEDO, OH – When asked about her ex-husband, Umpire Jim Joyce, and his blown call that cost Detroit Tiger’s pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game, an indignant Eunice Hampton-Joyce said “Well, that just figures” through gnashed teeth.

“He was wrong about everything,” nagged Hampton-Joyce, who claims to be happier alone than with Joyce. “How to stack the dishes, how to fold the towels, how to dust the mantle. Wrong, wrong, wrong.”

The Joyces split in 2003, after Hampton-Joyce cited irreconcilable differences 23 minutes after Joyce cited domestic abuse. The case was settled out of court and a restraining order was issued between the two.

“It’s just like him to get something so completely simple as that so completely wrong,” screeched Hampton-Joyce. “His mother really did a number on him. Him and that stupid mustache of his.”

Hampton-Joyce then abruptly ended the interview with reporters to collect yet another ball that had strayed on to her front porch, but not before delivering an expletive-laced diatribe toward the eight-year-old who lost the aforementioned ball.

(As originally published on The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, your source for sports and culture analysis from the Natural himself.)

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