In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:
Dear Loser,
Why so serious not funny?
Let’s wind the clock back one year. You were living in Arkansas, writing about politics and various dribble and the police wouldn’t come near you. Now…look at you. Writing for a stupid blog that I read when I’m at my mom’s house because I can’t afford internet. Pitifully scribing for these “civilized people” who will turn on you. To them? To them you’re just a freak…like me. I know what you really are. They need you right now, for a quick laugh, but when they don’t…they’ll cast you out like a leper…
…or like this girl I liked this one time. I said “Hey, I like you” and she said “Ewwww!” and ran away and fell down and broke her leg and her dad and my dad both yelled at me.
But the night is darkest just before the dawn, stupid. The dawn is coming. One day, you and other stupid, dumb bullies like Bobby Simpson will have to answer to laws, and to my mom. You can keep writing and writing your stupid, stupid articles about farts and stuff (I mean, you haven’t ONCE written about TDK or TDK sequels), but I can endure. I’ll endure and they’ll hate you for it. I can be the outcast; I can make the choice no one else can make. The right choice. I stand for something more important than the whims of a dumb guy with a Web site. I’m not just being a hero; I’m being something more. People are depending on me to clean the internet up and to do it honorably.
Ugh! You’re just like Bobby and those guys in my gym class. They were just mean all the time and the put caramel on onions and told me it was an apple and I ate it and it was so terrible I threw up. TOTAL meanies.
I see now what I’ll have to become to stop meanies men like you. This internet deserves a better class of villain. And I’m going to give it to them. I thought I could be a decent boy man in an indecent time, but I was wrong. I’m not a monster I’m just ahead of the curve. The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules. You have nothing to threaten me with, nothing to do with all your strength, because I?…
I’m going to anonymously comment hateful things all over your comment section! HA HA HAHA!
Some of these fools want you gone. Because you’ve changed things…forever. I don’t want to kill you! What would I do without you? You complete me. you’re just a schemer, with your friends and weekend plans. Do I really look like a guy with a plan? For this weekend or any? No. I’m just here to upset the order of things, here to turn your little plans on their heads. How funny will people think your essays are when, after reading, they see someone like me saying such things as “Boy, you should have tried harder to be FUNNY!”, eh? HA HA HA! You’ll be powerless to give me any sort of wedgy, swirly, or other form of taunt!
Because those suck. They mess up your hair and clothes and sometimes you don’t have any other clothes clean, which is why I wear this purple suit a lot.
Have a Smiley Day,
Joe Kerr
PS – Are any of these references landing? If you’re maybe not as familiar with TDK, I can send you one as Gollum or Yoda. Thanks!
ZACK STOVALL 