Zack’s Hate Mail from Joey of ‘Friends’


In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Dear Zack,

I just came across this computer page, and I couldn’t be more upset. After getting someone to read this for me, I think you have serious psychobrain issues you need to address in a hurry. I mean, the violense, the inappropriate references, the blaytunt sexism! It’s all too, too much.

[Gives a sluttly-looking girl a wink]

Who do you think you are? Do you think you’re funny? I mean, you probably just sit alone in your chair, writing these stupid word collections, laughing to yourself and getting mad at everyone who doesn’t think you’re hilarious. Who’s laughing now, huh? Me! At you! Contribute something to society! Do you not have a job? Do you not having anything to show for yourself? You probably couldn’t even be more pathetic, not even if you tried.

[Changes out of one outfit into another from an inexpilicably well-funded and endless wardrobe]

I don’t care who you think you are, but I know who it is your making fun of: It’s everyone. And that means me, buddy. Yeah, I got you good. I know you’re making fun of me and everyone else who’s like me, which is everyone. You know I’m supposed to be just your average American male. You know, an actor who has relations with an infinite amount of women who are so far out of everyone’s league it baffles everyone that their free gaze has rested on me for more than a few seconds, and also can consume more food than a human’s stomach can hold without breaking.

[devours a pizza, a whole pizza!]

I don’t take kindly to this sort of Everyman ridicule. You’ve got to be responsible with your words. You have to be conscious of the message you’re putting out. You’ve got to understand how important it is when you talk down to someone, women especailly, it’s just plain…disrespectful.

[cries “Hey, how you doin’?” into the air]
[has sex with an infinite amount of women]
[laughs and relishes in his dismisal of said women’s existance shortly afterward]
[eats a whole foot long salami sandwich, the whole sandwich!]

Supposubly, you’re supposed to be an educated humorist. Supposubly.

Joey Tribbiani

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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