You Used To Be Out of My League!

The following exchange was overheard at the Delta State University Homecoming festivities Saturday, October 18th, 2003, between Brian Foghart, a network administrator, and Kathy Flowers, unemployed: Hey, Kathy…Brain…Foghart. Brian Foghart. You ran around with my roommate freshman year I think, Tom Heffries? Yeah, no, I don’t talk to him much. I remember you from backContinue reading “You Used To Be Out of My League!”

How Long Do We Have To Stare At Each Other Like We’re Going To Fight Without Having To Show How Masculine We Aren’t

OH MAN! This guy over here is being SO obnoxious, isn’t he? I knew it was going to be a rough night as soon as we walked in here. You could hear him laughing WAY too hard, and he’s clearly already wasted. He keeps quoting Dane Cook. Jesus, man, this guy…I swear, I just wantContinue reading “How Long Do We Have To Stare At Each Other Like We’re Going To Fight Without Having To Show How Masculine We Aren’t”

The Worst Part About Running Someone Over With Your Car Is That They Never Really Believe That You’re Sorry

You know, you try and try and try to be careful out there on the roads. You keep your hand at ten or two, you only text behind the wheel when necessary or when you’re really in a hurry and you never drive if you’ve already thrown up from drinking. I mean, most of that stuffContinue reading “The Worst Part About Running Someone Over With Your Car Is That They Never Really Believe That You’re Sorry”

George W. Bush May Not Have Been The Worst President, But He’s Certainly The Most Likely To Take a Picture of His Own Dump

  I picked up my girlfriend’s nephew from school the other day a.) because I was free at 3:00 in the afternoon and b.) because I’m the nicest guy you’ve ever met in your entire life. Traffic happened to be a little crowded that day on the way back to his grandma’s house, where IContinue reading “George W. Bush May Not Have Been The Worst President, But He’s Certainly The Most Likely To Take a Picture of His Own Dump”

Disappointment That The Actual Year 2015 Will Probably Look Nothing Like Year 2015 From ‘Back to the Future II’

So it’s 2010 now. We’ve limped into this decade and the first two notable things to happen were a devestating earthquake hitting already-devastated Haiti and Ke$ha. But that’s the third strike for me. I’ve never been much of a whimsical guy, prone to flights of fantasy or grandeur or anything overtly complicated like that. MostContinue reading “Disappointment That The Actual Year 2015 Will Probably Look Nothing Like Year 2015 From ‘Back to the Future II’”

I Don’t Envy Pro Athletes; I Just Want All Their Fame and Money

Tasteful and moderate ambition aside, I really don’t envy professional athletes. No really. I don’t. This is not to be confused with their fame, money, and other intangibles that come with being a professional athlete. These I envy, and do so greatly and unashamedly.

This Beard I Have Grown Is Having the Inverse Effect On My Perceived Masculinity That I Had Intended

The bar scene is one of immediate scrutiny and, very often, utter despair. One needs a competitive advantage, a shot in the arm, so the speak. I am that one. And that shot in the arm is hair on my face. I look like the Brawny Paper Towel Man. This beard is going to beContinue reading “This Beard I Have Grown Is Having the Inverse Effect On My Perceived Masculinity That I Had Intended”

I Can’t Help But Notice All Of The Similarities Between Me and Barack Obama, Except for the Lack of Poise, Wife, Job and Being Not-Black

  This is getting eerie folks. Just plain creepy if you ask me.   I knew it then, in 2006 or so, and I know it now. Me and this Barack Obama guy are almost the same exact person. I mean, with the exception of a miniscule handful of different character traits, features, and facts,Continue reading “I Can’t Help But Notice All Of The Similarities Between Me and Barack Obama, Except for the Lack of Poise, Wife, Job and Being Not-Black”