Zack’s Old Family Videos: Found Out Why My Face Looks Like It Does, And Why I’m Bad At Math But Great At Magnets


Oh, when Uncle Dale and Cousin Jesse came to town, they always brough the inflatable bed, or what I liked to call the “FunderDome.” Consequence-free fun was had by all.

Unfortunately, every weekend they came, I usually spent at least an hour in an emergency room, tending wounds or being analyzed about whether or not I’d be able to remember what the Civil War was, or who invented the light bulb. Silly teachers! Didn’t they understand that somethings just don’t matter whenever the FunderDome comes to town? Who really needs to multiply fractions anyway?

(via Nick Holmes)

Jimmer Fredette: “Please Stop Offering To Find People To Have Sex With Me”

NEW ORLEANS – In the wake of a heartbreaking overtime loss to Florida to end his collegiate career, BYU senior Jimmer Fredette insists that people stop offering to find people to have sex with him, for consolation or for congratulations, at the end of a stellar showing in the NCAA Tournament.

“I, uh, appreciate it and stuff, but seriously, some of these text messages are messed up,” said an exhausted Fredette at a press conference. “I mean, there’s an honor code, and then there’s just plain insanity. Sorry ‘@JennyBabe32,’” he read from his smartphone. “I appreciate you offering your…self. Thanks for your (slight shuddering) support.”

BYU’s honor code came into the spotlight this season when Cougars forward Brandon Davies was suspended for violating the code for engaging in premarital intercourse with his girlfriend. This attention, coupled with Fredette’s compelling level of play, have coupled together in a vast offering of women from all corners of the country, some of which even being offered up by their friends, serious boyfriends, and even husbands.

“When I say ‘Go Cougars,'” sighed Fredette. “You know what I mean. Come on, Mrs. Delveccio…Please.”

“I mean, it’s mildly offensive to assume that just because I’m honoring the honor code I couldn’t get a girl if I really wanted to,” said Jimmer. “I support the honor code. But I bet I could get so many chicks. Like a lot of ’em.” School officials commented that the idea of offering Fredette multiple wives had been broached, but a formal offer was never made.

Fredette, after the press conference, was overheard being told that now that his collegiate career is over, and while he might be suspended from school, a la Jim McMahon, he could not be suspended from the team for violations against the honor code. Replying with a “WHAT,” Jimmer quickly exited the building, hastily typing on his cell phone.

Guys, Seriously? STOP Making Fun of Rebecca Black…She’s My Cousin and She’s Like Super Upset All The Time Now

Cut it out, guys. CUT IT OUT. I know you’ve all heard it and a lot of people are talking about it and mainly people are talking MAD CRAP about it but SERIOUSLY, guys. You’ve GOT to stop making fun of Rebecca Black. She’s my cousin, and ever since this video (THAT SHE WORKED REALLY HARD ON, BY THE WAY) came out, she’s been SUPER bummed out about it, like, all day everyday. She was JUST putting out a song that she thought everyone would like, because you can’t deny it: it’s super catchy and you can’t ever get it out of your head until you go to a death metal concert and take a nap under their woofers or something. IT’S THAT GOOD.

“Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs/Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal.” Preaching to the choir, Becky.

Look, what has she done that’s SO wrong? I mean, she’s 13 years old. She’s singing about what she knows and frankly, IT’S TOTALLY RELATABLE. Do you guys remember the TGIF shows on ABC? TGIF was the best thing on TV and I doubt it would’ve been that way had it been on Thursday or something stupid like that. I doubt there’s ever been any television or entertainment that anyone simply MUST see on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. So what if the lyrics are a tad simplistic? SHE’S LEADING A SIMPLE LIFE RIGHT NOW, YOU GUYS. I mean, my Uncle Jim and Aunt Denise are going through a little bit of a rough patch right now, stuff’s still up in the air with who’s getting which kids, but they’re for sure not staying in that big house she grew up in anymore, because Jim lost his jobs, but SO WHAT IF SHE’S JUST LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING HER FRIENDS ON THE WEEKEND?

Don’t we all just want to ride around with our friends every now and then?

I mean, who HASN'T been here before?

She’s just been really, really sad lately. You’ve got people at her school who are making fun of her, and the students are making fun of her, too! She used to be really popular and had all these friends and stuff, then she did this music video and now, JUST BECAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES THIS STUPID GLEE SHOW, people throw slushies in her face. That’s expensive clothes, ya’ll! Cherry doesn’t even come out of some of the shirts, and a couple of them her dad threw in the dryer and now the stains are permanent. It’s really not fair that not only are her friends bailing on her, even the Girl Who Eats Her Hair up there, but now, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD knows who she is and writes really stupid comments up on her Youtubes.

I mean, not cool! Props to Blonde-with-Braces for being super cool and NOT bailing on Becky. My mom says Aunt Denise really appreciates it and – I don’t wanna spoil it – but you might get to go to Disney World with my family. YAY! DISNEY!

Disney World Dance!

So, seriously. You guys. Lay off Rebecca Black. She’s got her family and friends supporting her, she really doesn’t need people like you saying “She is missing half her brain,” “I wish I were deaf,” and “This sounds like Somneone trying to rip the piss out of bill bailey ripping the piss out of teenybopper songs.” One, she’s not missing half of her brain because she aced Spanish this year and that’s a WHOLE OTHER LANGUAGE. Two, ummm, not cool because MY OTHER AUNT, STACEY, TEACHES AT A DEAF SCHOOL, and three, uhh, I don’t even know what that means, because a.) who’s Bill Bailey? b.) I LIKE teenybopper music and 3.) you can’t rip piss because IT’S LIQUID.

Just be cool. If you’re cool, I might be able to see if she can come in town and do a little concert or just hang out or whatever.

Zack’s Hate Mail from Ginuwine, Singer of the Smash R&B Hit Single ‘Pony’

"As if you could proclaim 'My saddle’s waiting/ Come and jump on it' and have (ladies) not laugh in your doughy face! GUFFAW!" - Ginuwine

Duly noted, Mr. Lumpkin. Duly noted.

Ways To Make Me Like Basketball: Arrange A Rankings-Based, 68-Team Playoff Tournament, Then Give All The Participants An Assortment Of Knives

"Simpson dribbles, passes to Garret, who is quickly slashed by Jefferies, Simpson picks up the loose ball, DRIVES TO THE PAINT AND SCOOOORES! But oh, looks like he may have been stabbed right in the kidnies that HAS to hurt, Cal."

This is an ongoing series throughout what, for me, is the worst period of time in sports. Baseball is a few months weeks away, and football is as good as dead until the fall. And it’s all because, no matter how much I try (AND BELIEVE YOU ME I TRY A LOT) I just can’t watch, like, enjoy, get behind, or generally stand basketball. I’ll watch a Blake Griffin dunk, or a last second Rudy Gay buzzer-beater, or LeBron do anything. But, and nothing against basketball or any of its fine fans, this time of year is a real struggle for me to get through. Feel my pain, and bear with me, as I try to show room for the game’s improvement.

Arrange A Rankings-Based, 68-Team Playoff Tournament, Then Give All The Participants An Assortment Of Knives

Alright, if there’s anything I’ve learned about keeping a murderous amount of boredom away from me, it’s that gambling always helps. Always. There’s nothing I won’t gamble on. I’ll put $20 down right now that says polar bears will gentrify St. Louis before four consecutive white cars pass by my window. $50 that at least 10 of the next 100 words a given homeless man will say are going to be curse words, English only. Literally, anything just to pass the time and turn a dollar into two.

Establishing a large, competitive tournament will increase the effectiveness and attentiveness with which I will watch basketball. You’d have to get a lot of teams in there to make it worth everyone’s while. Like more than 35, almost twice that. 70. Nah, 70’s a little large. 68? Sure, let’s go with 68 teams. That’ll go on for what? Two? Three weeks? Yeah, that’d be good enough to spread the money and the selections out a little bit. THEN, arrange them in a very specific way. Let’s call them seeds. You’ll pit the best teams against the worst teams, because SCREW THOSE GUYS. Try harder, then you’ll play people who are more in your league. Okay, so just pit these teams against one another, and watch as they level each other competitively until ultimately a victor amongst the 68 will emerge. You can wager on which teams will win the various contests, and get as many people as you want into a pool, so more money could be spread around. Sounds great, right?

But give everyone knives too.

Let’s face it, the running back and forth, the shooting a ball from a distance into a hole, calling sustained bouncing “dribbling,” I GET IT, but if we don’t spice this game up, I’m going into a diabetic coma. Give every player a knife of varying size and sharpness and weight. The variation will allow for different roles to be fulfilled by different players, naturally, you’re going to want your big men in the paint to have larger, more sturdy blades that done fold back into their handles, like a booie knife or maybe even a hatchet. Give your point guards some switch blades that will compliment their speed, and so on and so forth.

Let the coaches have ceremonial sabres, like in the Marine Corps, so they can guide their teams easily from the bench with overt gestures and large, swinging hand motions.

This will add an immeasurable amount of exciting elements to the game. You’ll have to be more sure-footed driving into the paint, making certain not to slip in the blood. Three point shooting will likely expose the underbelly of an opponent, making them much more climactic. The coaches have sabres, I mentioned that right? I can’t wait until they get T’ed up. SWISH.

An indeterminable short-yet-long time away from MLB Opening Day.

I Suppose This Could Be The Sole Upside to Living Through Traumatic Domestic Munchkin Incidents

I’m just wondering where all of this anger comes from. Clearly, form and technique can be taught. And when you’re eight years old, like young Steven here is, effort often indicates the victor. Try hard, and you can usually win.

But this is more than effort…this is VENGEANCE.

I’d like to think that young Steven used to go to all of his Dad’s wrestling matches, and watch him from the gallery with his mother, who hated seeing her husband in the ring, but loved seeing him succeed at doing what he loves. Then, tragically, a ringer is brought in by some felonious villain type, and he kills Steve’s father in front of him. When his mother runs out to stop the fight, she too is killed by the ringer, whose past experiences of WWF Battle Royales prohibits him from stopping until everyone is dead on the floor. This creates a Batman-like sense of revenge, and becomes the source of his power. Realizing he knows nothing else but the world of wrestling that both gave him his sense of life and his life-defining tragedy, Steven decides to stay in wrestling, dominate it from the ground up, and defeat the ringer (and his syndicated Crime Boss, let’s call him TURNBUCKLE), and avenge the memory of his dear, dear parents.

But then I’m like, nope, no way this kid is making his own Youtube videos, matching them up to Christian-rap songs (GRITS, anyone?) and creating their own email addresses. Do you even know who the original Steve-O is/was? When I was eight, I had a hard enough time remembering things like SILENT LETTERS LIKE THE ‘W’ THAT GOES IN FRONT OF WRESTLING.

So it looks like the anger comes from whatever’s going on in the O household. I bet it’s a lot of throwing each other around to Christian rap and rock soundtracks. Amen to that.