Three People I Really Want To Punch in the Wiener Right Now

Everybody needs somebody sometimes. And sometimes, that somebody needs a good punch to wiener. Just a solid shot. It’s the worst pain you can feel as a man, and there are three people who are the most deserving to me after a Christmas weekend full of doing almost nothing but watch TV. And it was awesome. Except for having to see these three guys:

Guy From 1800 Tequila Commercial: I prefer to drink alone on the floor of my own bathroom in the dark, so I don’t get out to bars much. One of the primary reasons for this is that bars attract a lot of people like this guy: loud-mouthed jackasses who slick their hair back and act like they know everything. “Oh, look a’ me, I’m kickin’ bahhck, drinkin’ dis here drink and makin’ a SAHCASTIC ‘oops.’ Ask ayebody at dis BAH, they’ll tell yas I’m WICKED SAHCASTIC.”

Sure, I don’t live in the Northeast, but I feel like these smug d-holes are everywhere, trying to turn every bar in America into a club. “This is an Affliction t-shirt yo! No, I’m not involved in any MMA-related training, but if I were, you’d be in a lot of trouble! What’re you drinking? PSH, THAT AIN’T 1800 THOUGH! YOU EVAH EVEN HEARDA BOTTLE SERVICE?!”

This guy gets a slick-like-his-hair punch to the wiener; go in for the handshake or high-five, and BOOM! Then I’d say “Oops” all sarcastically.

Guy From Bleu de Chanel Commercial: I have two problems with this commercial. First off, this guy is an awful actor. He couldn’t possibly say those lines with a little FEELING, FOR GOD’S SAKE? I’ve seen better lines at my nephew’s Christmas play and that SUUUUCKED.

Secondly, and this is purely speculation at this point (I’D LOVE SOME CLARIFICATION, PEOPLE), but this guy seems like a real toolshed. “I’m not going to be the person I’m expected to be anymore.” A.) Bold statement, Claude, problem is NO ONE CARES. B.) Most people in this given situation are, like me, expecting that you’re a douche and saying statements like “I’m not going to be the person I’m expected to be anymore” confirm this expectation. DOUBLE WHAMMY. What’s this press conference supposed to be for, anyway? “I am a good-looking person and what I will say I will say it GOOD-LOOKINGLY.” Having worked in a pressroom before, I can confess, THAT WOULD HAVE TOTALLY GOTTEN ME TO THE PRESS CONFERENCE. But I would’ve been pissed had I gotten there and some pretty boy said that, then walked out of the crumbling room, WITHOUT EXPLAINING WHY THE ROOM WAS FALLING APART AROUND US.

I’d give him the Money Shot Wiener Punch. Be like “SHOW ME THE ABS, CLAUDE!” and when his reflexes caused his arms to lift his shirt, POW! Right to his defenseless wiener.

Larry the Cable Guy: He’s getting a show on the History Channel called “Only in America.” Guh. Okay, quickly:

  • Hard to be on a channel you’ve never seen before/can’t spell the name of, eh, Lars?
  • So the History Channel is assuming their audience is a bunch of mouthbreathing rednecks, yes?
  • “Larry the Cable Guy wows audiences across the country with his unique brand of humor and quirky take on America,” History president/GM Nancy Dubuc said in a statement. Nancy, I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE WIENER IF YOU LIE TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.

Larry gets an overt and unfunny punch to the wiener. It’d be loud, and look like an accident or something so no one would laugh at it. That seems appropriate.

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

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