The Haunting Incantations of This Hipster Sorceress Is Definitely Not The Reason I’m Buying A Hyundai Sonata

Commercials are whack.

Political commercials get me the most. They over-saturate the market so much that, frankly, defeat their own purpose. “This guy voted to HELP RAPISTS!” “Well this guy voted to HELP RAPISTS WHO MURDER!” And so on. And so on. The back and forth is stupid, although I’d like to imagine there’s one very uninformed person out there whose brain is being sawed in half by the political banter. “Well, I’m not voting for that guy! He stomps on kittens’ faces until he’s covered in kitty litter!…But I can’t vote for that guy either, HE’S WANTING TO BRING BACK CATAPULT EXECUTIONS!” Then, boom.

Anyway, this holiday season, Hyundai rolls out these commercials featuring this hipster band, Pomplamoose, with the intention of driving gooey-brained schmucks to their lots to purchase the new Sonata,  Accent, or Elantra or whatever it is they’re pushing. I mean, do they REALLY think that just because there’s some sort of fair-skinned siren singing one of everyone’s FAVORITE Christmas songs that we’re just going to come sprinting to the nearest Hyundai dealership?

Psh, yeah, right… I’m going because $200/month?  2.9 percent financing? SIGN ME THE F UP.

Sure I hear this woman’s voice every time I turn on the television. And I mean every time, on every channel. They’re such a totally accessable band, you could play them during football games, fashion shows, and ESPECIALLY during all of the sweet holiday specials going on this time of year. But seeing that woman prance around playfully – JUMPING IN THE CAR WINDOW, OF ALL THINGS – is definitely NOT the reason I’m getting a Sonata, definitely NOT AT ALL.

These cars are sleek, don’t you think? I like the shape. And I hear they run well.

This enchantress is not penetrating my dreams or anything. I’m not closing my eyes and seeing her porcelain skin spinning vertically, but never breaking eye contact with my inner soul. That doesn’t happen that often. I don’t hear the constant ringing of “Up on the house-top!,” sung so pristine and clear, LIKE SOME SORT OF FIREY ANGEL, in my ear drums like a storm siren going off during a calm Wednesday afternoon, slicing through the silence of my everyday existence and molding it to its will. I hardly even hear those sirens anymore! Do you? I mean, I do, but that’s because I don’t really go to work anymore, I just sit at home, wear my flannel and thick, horn-rimmed glasses, and listen to Pomplamoose’s albums – on vinyl, of course – and try to get something other than “DOWN WITH THE CHIMNEY FROM GOOD SAINT NICK!!!” off of the walls of the inside of my skull by any other means than scratching them off with my bare, worn fingernails, because I’ve already tried, ALREADY TRIED THAT AND IT JUST HURTS.

Hyundai cars are AWESOME on their own. That hipster lady isn’t telling ME to get anything. They’ve even got them in Red! Which is my new favorite color!

 Happy holidays, everyone. See you on the roads. In my NEW SONATA!!!

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

2 thoughts on “The Haunting Incantations of This Hipster Sorceress Is Definitely Not The Reason I’m Buying A Hyundai Sonata

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