The LORD Your God Unscathed By Bills’ WR Johnson’s Lamentations

FT. LAUDERDALE, Fla. – The LORD Your God, Sovereign King of the Infinite and Infinitesimal Universe, says that he is relatively unscathed by Bills WR Stevie Johnson’s Twitter blast at his holiness, blaming Him for his dropped catch that would have won the game for the Bills vs. the Steelers yesterday.

“I heard about it,” God told several reporters during a routine visit to a Florida retirement village. “I mean, I hear everything. Even social media posts, which is really starting to clog up the comm. lines, but I digress…ONLY THE INFALLIBLE AMOUNT OF DIGRESSION, THOUGH.

“Basically, I heard what he said, but I’ve got other things to worry about than what goes on in Pittsburgh or Buffalo,” concluded God. “Sure, I gave him a career and talent and birth in the US of A, but oh, No! I let him drop a pass! I’m the a-hole.”

God said he doesn’t recall what he was doing precisely when Johnson dropped the ball, but that he was a little worn out from making sure Portland didn’t become a crater, and He doesn’t “even think about time and space the same way you people do, so whatever.”

God said he had no comment on whether or not to continually plague Johnson, but “I totally could if I wanted to, NO SWEAT.” God then turned his attention to making certain Titans CB Cortland Finnegan was defecated on by an overhead bird.

(As originally published on The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, your source for sports and culture analysis from the Natural himself.)

Published by Zack Stovall

Writer living in New York, NY.

One thought on “The LORD Your God Unscathed By Bills’ WR Johnson’s Lamentations

  1. I blame God for a lot of things too but making millions of dollars despite my lack of concentration/skill is not one of them.

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