WASHINGTON, D.C. – Citing an inevitable shift of power from Democrats to Republicans over yesterday’s elections and an overwhelming public mandate, President Barack Obama is unveiling his plans for a malevolent and totalitarian dictatorship, effective December 1, 2010.
“You know, you hear these grumblings from the right about me being a socialist, and a dictator, and this and that, and you really worry you might not be able to pull it off,” said Obama. “I had a good, two-year run to try and get everything done through the usual channels. Now, we’re gonna do it my way.”
Obama said he and his comrades are currently drafting legislation to be planted within the constitution calling for a dissolution of the Legislative Branch of government – the House and Senate – into boards of reporting rather than voting members, leaving the actual institutions intact, but largely voiceless. “They’ll be around to give the semblance to representation, sure, but who’s got two thumbs and is going to be running stuff like gangbusters in here?” Obama asked. “THIS GUY.”
The Dictator-to-be also said that, when he wasn’t taking a more active role in leading the military as his own personal guard, he would be hiring economists to value the personal assets of every American, and redistributin them until there is a reasonable amount of equal wealth among the people. “But not without making sure I get mine,” Obama chuckled. “Oh, the government is going to get the real deal here. You remember that show, Pimp My Ride? We’re about to Pimp the Executive Branch, big time.”
Obama said that the Judicial Branch would be “100 percent dissolved, because it’s stupid,” citing their recent decision that corporations could give to political campaigns without limits and Chief Justice Roberts’ “choice of neckties.”
Republicans are giddy that their predictions and finger-pointings have been vindicated. When told that this would mean the end of their party, their way of life, and likely their livelihood, the upper brass of the GOP merely started a slow-clap that ended with a loud “TOLD YA SOOOO!” capped with an odd combination of jigs and gyrations.