How To Convince Others You Voted When You Didn’t Actually Vote

For some reason, voting has become something akin to texting Haiti or recycling: Something you’ve got to do, otherwise you’re a social pariah, fit to be stabbed in the face by even the nicest of grandmothers. Who do you think you are, anyway? Not voting? What a douche bag you ar-…I’m getting off track.

Of course, I voted. I’m no a**hole spring chicken. But I’m not going to lie, it was tough. I recently moved to a different state, with different representation, and a completely different political history that I would need to investigate, do research, and most importantly, ask the tough questions that could affect me and my countrymen for the indefinite future.

But crap, I’ve got trivia tonight! Can’t be wasting all of my brainspunk on THOSE unimportant matters. But what I can do is offer those around me who may have not had the opportunity to vote a way to get rid of the social stigma that comes with having a Law and Order Marathon to rather be watching during voting hours. Here are some helpful tips:

1.) Pick a Popular Name and HATE That Name

It doesn’t matter which name, but the more obscure, the less likely you are to be questioned on it. Popular political names are Obama, Bush, Clinton, Rove, Pelosi, Cheney, Reid, Bush again, and Biden. Those are kinda the heavy hitters right now, anyway. Just be like “Oh my GOD, I cannot stand [Name]! They are just the WORST!” Be careful though, as saying one of these headliners could invite an actual intellectual conversation or argument from someone who also recognizes one of those names.

Best bet is to find the name of a lone Congressman and rail on that guy. Or, better yet, pick a fake name. Really make it personal. Read this fictitious fat cat the riot act.

2.) Complain About Young People Not Voting

This is popular. Basically, instead of talking about what you actually voted on, lob your concerns on the plight of those running the show. Talk about how uninvolved and dumb and unmotivated and ugly young people are, and how all of these vices are multiplied when it comes to embracing their civic duty to vote. This is completely disregarding that young voters are among the most active and most vocal constituencies in the country, and that the voting record for the entirety of the country is pretty low, but know this: EVERYONE hates those meddling kids, with their fast cars, and their uPods and the FaceSpaces. The younger you are, the more “wise beyond your years” and “lame” you’ll seem.

3.) Tell A Funny Story About An Old Person Voting

Conversely, old people (the elderly, the cotton tops, the mapped legs, etc.), clinging to what little impact they can dent into this planet, vote in droves. And it’s hilarious. Old people, in general, are pretty funny to look at (I went as a septuagenarian for Halloween this year!), and when you get those rusty brains of theirs cranking out old-fashioned-Dust-Bowl-proven solutions to current issues, they’re bound to churn out some verbal gold.

"Jam it down our throats in 2009...We'll stick it up your ass in 2010!"

It probably isn’t even about anything going on, but their madder than hell about it.

So just tell a story about an old person doing something that was funny one time. Maybe one fell down, or complained about some simple form of technology (Remember, a lot of voting booths are electronic, and according to one elderly man I heard ranting in the grocery store today, “requires a master’s degree AND ANOTHER MASTERS DEGREE ON TOPPA DAT MASTER’S DEGREE!”). Bodily function stories, while obvious and practically unable to be proven otherwise, are frowned upon, and frankly, a little too easy. “Oh, old people can’t help but poop they pants. What a day, what a day.” They ALWAYS speak loudly, too, so whatever you say they say, make sure you enunciate, even if it’s garbled.

4.) Talk About Waiting In A Long Line

Everyone’s been in a long line before. But usually at the other end is something that one finds to be somewhat fulfilling, not picking between two people whose vast similarities are best described as mind-numbingly boring if not downright infuriating. So what’s the longest line you’ve ever waited in? Few hours on a hot summer day for a roller coaster? A couple of nights in a tent for one of the new Star Wars movies? Now, multiply that time by three. Then, isolate the waiting. Imagine never going on that ride or seeing that lightsaber fight. Finally, substitute the respective venue (theme park, theater, etc) with typical voting venues (churches, gyms, other civic buildings, etc), and tell that story. Everyone will agree, but, be warned, you may be looked down upon by some actual voters for not voting early. Shouldn’t be anything to worry about, though, most of those people are the biggest toolsheds you’ve ever met and likely aren’t hanging out with voluntarily.

5.) Talk About How All Politics Is Stupid

Ah, the time-honored tradition of hating the game rather than the player. Any former political journalist (this guy) will tell you that one of the only rules in politics is: Everyone sucks. Now, if you’re a politician, and you’re reading this (I know some of you are, thanks for stopping by), I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about that other guy, who you also hate. THAT guy. Maybe he’s on the other side of the aisle, but maybe he’s not. He’s probably a he, and probably white, too, although there are plenty of minorities and women who suck in politics too. I mean, the vitriol, the hatred, the intolerance of politics is…see? We’re not even talking about the election anymore, silly goose! We’re talking about politics! Talking about politics will make it seem like you would talk about elections, too.

If you’re someone who is prone to not walking the walk after talking the talk, this method may not be for you. But it might be!

Anyway, vote. Or not! It only matters a very little bit.

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