Okay, I’ve remonstrated before about the dangers of food ideas that looks great in toilets on paper, but probably shouldn’t be brought out in the light of day, but this one hits me WHERE IT HURTS: Pizza.

For those of you who know me, you know I’m not exactly “fat,” but definitely not in shape. I’m not someone you look at and go “Oh, he’s got years of heredity and gland issues that’s keeping him plump.” I’m someone you look at and go “Jesus, he could work out every once in a while, huh?” So don’t question me on food, especially on matters of cake and pizza. I love me some cake and pizza.  

This looks too awesome to be awesome. Like if I bought it, my car would break down later, or I’d lose money in the market, or I’d get a brick through my window. There has to be some evil associated with this temptation (NO, NOT GLUTTONY). The Stuffed Crust pizza set the bar for the imagineers of the food industry. It’s like “Oh, I’m tired of JUST having delicious bread at the end of my pizza, let’s make it a cheese stick.” But how am I supposed to eat this? Like an appetizer that turns into a full meal? That’ s an old Mexican restaurant trick: notice the supreme nachos and quesadillas – FULL MEALS IN AND OF THEMSELVES – are always in the appetizer section.

Let me know if anyone counters any demons or vile happenings after ordering this. I’ll let you know after I have mine in about five minutes later.


How To Avoid Looking Like A Fool At Your Or Someone Else’s Wedding

Look at this fool! What kind of collar is that?!

I was in a wedding this summer. I’m going to be in a wedding this weekend, and another next spring, and I guarantee you I’ll go to about 30 in between now and then. Every weekend, there’s some couple getting hitched. It’s always a good time, but DAMN YO. There’s traveling, there’s gift giving, there’s talking to people you’ve never met, there’s talking to people you never want to meet again, and there’s dancing with varying levels of appropriateness.

For all of the weddings I’ve been and will likely be in, I think I look really stupid.

So I realize how little control men have in these situations. If the bride wants tails and white gloves on the groomsmen, I’m going to be wearing tails and white gloves and a monocle (SHE CAN’T IMPAIR MY VISION!). And hey, maybe I myself will even be engaged to wed one day. Please attempt to stifle your laughter. You can get anything on the internet these days.

I know that if I ever do get married, I’ll have zero control of the situation. I mean, none. I could likely just show up day of and do about as well as I would if I were there through every day of it. The problem with all of that is that you ARE there through every day of it. And I’ll bet you get asked questions in which the answer doesn’t matter. “Hey, what do you think of this pattern for the dinner tables?” “Hmm, a little flowery don’t you think?” “Welp, this is what we’re using.” “Ooooooookay!”

Not to put the rickshaw before the lady, but I’ve already got a pretty full proof plan to not only stay fairly far away from the planning process, but also to leverage to get some things that I would want in my own wedding: Suggest the most ridiculous things possible. “What do you think about flowers? I was thinking maybe white roses and…” “CAKE! I want all of the flowers to be made of cake. Flowers are stupid anyway, LET’S MAKE THEM DELICIOUS!” “So I think my God-Daughter would make a fantastic flower girl, who do you think could be a ring bearer?” “I think we could have an open can of tuna fish at the altar, and let a team of cats drag the ring in like a chariot. They can be male cats, if you want.”

I can’t miss. This way whenever I give an actual, non-insane thought, like “I’d like a really simple tux. Just a length tie, full color, nothing flashy” I’ll look like a genius. Well, maybe not a genius, but definitely like a second grader who figures out a relatively easy Algebra problem. Sure, it’s an easy problem, BUT IT’S ALGEBRA! HOLY CRAP, HE’S WALKING ON WATER!

So the point of this whole thing is don’t make me wear bow ties or bow tie collars. Got it? GREAT.

The LORD Your God Unscathed By Bills’ WR Johnson’s Lamentations

FT. LAUDERDALE, Fla. – The LORD Your God, Sovereign King of the Infinite and Infinitesimal Universe, says that he is relatively unscathed by Bills WR Stevie Johnson’s Twitter blast at his holiness, blaming Him for his dropped catch that would have won the game for the Bills vs. the Steelers yesterday.

“I heard about it,” God told several reporters during a routine visit to a Florida retirement village. “I mean, I hear everything. Even social media posts, which is really starting to clog up the comm. lines, but I digress…ONLY THE INFALLIBLE AMOUNT OF DIGRESSION, THOUGH.

“Basically, I heard what he said, but I’ve got other things to worry about than what goes on in Pittsburgh or Buffalo,” concluded God. “Sure, I gave him a career and talent and birth in the US of A, but oh, No! I let him drop a pass! I’m the a-hole.”

God said he doesn’t recall what he was doing precisely when Johnson dropped the ball, but that he was a little worn out from making sure Portland didn’t become a crater, and He doesn’t “even think about time and space the same way you people do, so whatever.”

God said he had no comment on whether or not to continually plague Johnson, but “I totally could if I wanted to, NO SWEAT.” God then turned his attention to making certain Titans CB Cortland Finnegan was defecated on by an overhead bird.

(As originally published on The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, your source for sports and culture analysis from the Natural himself.)

I Always Thought Busta Rhymes Was Weak, But Then I Saw Some Muppets Spitting His Rhymes

I’ve always stated that Muppet humor > most other forms of humor. Add a dash of gangsta and what’ve you got? MORE FUNNY. I always thought that Busta Rhymes was a little bit on the soft side, and maybe he is considering others out there in the hood world, but seeing Bert and Ernie chant “ANTE UP, MOTHERF***EERRRRR!” kind of realigns that perception.

(via John the Machine)

BREAKING NEWS: Nic Cage Is Bad At His Job

INTERNET RULE: When four different people send you the same Youtube clip that you yourself have already seen, YOU MUST PUT IT ON YOUR OWN SITE.

Here we have Nic Cage, VENERABLE ACTOR OF STAGE AND SCREEN, losing his mind in a variety of different film genres. You have him screaming in science fiction, in comic book movies, in biopics, in suspenseful thrillers, in comedies, and in some sort of artsy fartsy movie in which he breaks down and paints himself black DAS RAYCESS DAS ARTSY.

I don’t think I’m breaking any sort of cinematic ground by saying that Nicolas Cage, NEPHEW OF NOTED DIRECTOR FRANICS FORD COPPOLA, is not good at being an actor. Which is a shame since, you know, that’s what he does for a living. He, at one point, had enough money to purchase dinosaur eggs and Egyptian sarcophaguses (with the mummy still in them [SpOoOoOkY!]), but went bankrupt and had to start taking every role he could get.

Case in point: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. I’m not saying that movie sucked, because I didn’t see it, but that movie sucked. I guess we should just be thankful that this deluge of Cage and Cage Rage occurred prior to the recent wave of 3D everything. I don’t care how cool the comic book was, I don’t want to see Nic Cage’s face burn into a skull in any more dimensions than I have to.

But this? I can get behind this (unless Nic Cage is in the sequel).

A More Compelling Argument for Christianity, Family Reunions, and Vests Cannot Be Found

Alright, let’s take a breath really quick. You got it? You going to be okay? Little more time? Okay.

So, we’re good? Good. Okay, okay, where to start. Let’s just talk about what we’ve seen okay? First off, what year was this made? The answer: It doesn’t matter, such music was never, ever popular. Punkpolka? Please. Also, notice the sinfully low-slung guitar on the guitarist. I think they might’ve picked him up from another group. He’s rocking out too hard to be associated with these guys, for whom rocking has no home.

Now, the voice. The frontman. Let’s talk about this guy, shall we? Clearly, he’s the best face of the organization, while not having the best voice. Couldn’t they have promoted the bearded guy? Definitely keep the bald, spectacled guys in the back (this is coming from a balding guy who could need glasses one day…I know what the score is), but was this their big break or something? GOTTA PUT THAT BEST FOOT FORWARD.

Finally…WHAT PLACE OF WORSHIP CAN I FIND THIS BAND AT? You KNOW they’re somewhere, still rocking out. I’d travel there for every Easter if I could. Someone please get on this. We can all go together.

Terry Gaither Advice on Dealing with Bosses, Workers, and Pop Culture

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
I’ve got a boss who puts me down all of the time in order to make an example of me. I’m pulling in more money than any of the other sales reps in our firm, but every miscue I make gets blown up like it’s a big deal. Got any tips to get out of the spotlight?
Bernard Hartson”

Continue reading “Terry Gaither Advice on Dealing with Bosses, Workers, and Pop Culture”

You Don’t Know How Guilty I Feel That People Are Finding My Site By Searching DEMI LOVATO and CUTTING

A brief introduction to this site and to the notion of search engine optimization:

This site is intended for humorous purposes only. I’m a humor writer, though not necessarily by trade, and this eponymous webbingspace, ZACKSTOVALL.COM, is simply a depot for me to store my thoughts, stories, articles, essays, what have you, so that my friends and anyone else who wants to read it will laugh. Hopefully I’ve been successful thus far. It’s not paying anything, but PERHAPS THAT WILL CHANGE (No, it won’t).

Search Engine Optimization (SEO) is the concept by which marketers of online bidness make sure that their sites are being picked up and viewed by whomever they would like to pick it up and view it. You use catchphrases and statements in the URL and body of your website texts that people are actively searching for, continually and often. Certain words, names, or memes are very searchable, as they are very unique, or very timely, such as an event or celebrity happening.

So you can’t begin to understand how guilty I feel that people are finding my website, ZACKSTOVALL.COM, by searching DEMI LOVATO and CUTTING.

I can see in my statmeter that people are finding my site from search engine entries of DEMI LOVATO and CUTTING (who and which I referenced in a previous article). Good God, I could be profiting from this tragic teen idol, whose name is DEMI LOVATO. People are searching the interwebs for information on DEMI LOVATO, and not necessarily DEMI MOORE (yes, the one married to ASHTON KUTCHER), to find out about her affliction and rumors about CUTTING and THE JONAS BROTHERS. Instead they’re being driven to ZACKSTOVALL.COM.

I don’t want to benefit from DEMI LOVATO and her possible battle with CUTTING or the plight of any other celebrity. This whole BRETT FAVRE JENN STERGER PENIS SCANDAL is something that also gave me some hits a few weeks ago. I mean, BRETT FAVRE? His WEINER? SCANDAL? Who’s Googling this stuff? And why is it coming to me?

I hate to think what would happen if I ever happened to mention the CARNIVAL CRUISE that was STRANDED, that one that had to EAT SPAM AND POP TARTS? I mean, I bet everyone’s searching that CRUISE online. What a CARNIVAL CRUISE DISASTER, and what kind of person would I be if that would lead people to read this humble site? Why, I’d be worse than MICHAEL VICK and his DOG FIGHTING SCANDAL. But perhaps that’s a hyperbole.

I know it’s not like MEL GIBSON and his RACIST, GIRLFRIEND BEATING tirades, or like TIGER WOODS and his whole SEX SCANDAL (speaking of MEL GIBSON, did you hear that BILL CLINTON IS MAKING A CAMEO IN THE HANGOVER 2? That is neat!). I’m not BRITNEY SPEARS CRAZY. I just feel like maybe I did something wrong. But hey, I guess that’s still as up in the air as, say, the whole CAM NEWTON AUBURN fiasco. I’ll try to avoid using optimized search engine names and scandals, especially such sad instances as DEMI LOVATO and her CUTTING episodes.

By the way, did anyone else love CONAN O’BRIEN and his new show ‘CONAN’?!

Awesome For Awesome’s Sake

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s awesome.

I’ve talked about it before, but I think people who get to do these sorts of cool, sort of artsy, but undeniably awesome things and get to pay their bills with it are the luckiest so-and-so’s on the planet. Unless their luck is solely devoted to their projects, and the rest of the time they’re shattering mirrors under ladders and getting audited and having grand pianos land on them.

That’d be some Karma.